What happened to us. I miss this, I miss you, but most importantly I miss us. You & me. Always and forever, never meant for each other. I'll take my leave now.

The minahrepxzxz of afiq's wedding. K no, I'm very protective of all my cousins, and I don't know why throughout the time I was there, I couldn't bring myself to be happy for him at all. Not even for a split second. Why, I hate the girl's side bunch of minah's married to our side. I don't know why I tend to over think things, seriously. I then make vast decisions due to that over thinking. Which will eventually hurt the people around me, but I just don't know. I think Im better off alone, for now. New year , same shit different year. Same bullshit over and over again. OHHHH AND FOR NEWYEAR'S, know what my parents got me, they got me a big "We're are going to lose the house, we have to shift" wtf. Fucking spoil my mood, we fucking rented the room already where could all off daddy's money go to. Got a feeling I have to contribute to the fucking house when that fucker don't do shit. ALWAYS, tadaaaa same shit different year. It NEVER changes. So why even bother. fuck.

I have been staring at this page for around half an hour, thinking exactly what should I write. I;m sorry I did not mean to hurt my little girl, honestly. You know the feeling of someones new liking you? The excitement that someone else finds you attractive, you're gaining attention but after you surpass all that, what's left is the love, the actual love you have for your other half.

'sighs' Seeing Hazhim & Erwina part just like that, just over a small mistake makes me reflect. It's actually all the small things that affects you the most, cause it accumulates over time snow- balling into a whole shitload of crap. Hard to believe the fact that couples for as long as them 8 years can choose to just walk away from each other. It aches me seeing them like that, cause it reminds me of me & shirin somehow. Sharing everything with each other, tears over the phone. Screams of joy when we pass our N's and cried when we failed our O's. Telling that someone every single detail, finding out dislikes/likes and whatnot. Eventually with them it becomes a routine, difficult to break, like an old habit. How does one decide to part from someone with so much memories and not shed a single tear. You can only smile as you reminisce back everything you guys did tgt. Every fight, every tear, every smile, every heartbreak making you guys stronger as a couple.

& fr you,
I guess it's nothing new to you, that I decide not to pick up your calls or reply your texts. Cause we did it so many times over the past three years. I have always listened to you, your advices,our 1am fights, 3 am makeups. You'd always pester me to study, that's how secretly I manged to always do well in Social Studies, English, Science. Our late night DNT & art dates, forcing me to draw your stuff for you.It was tiring, we both knew that, every single day, with SST till 4.3o/5 needing to study and complete our coursework too. But the fact that you were always there, makes it easier somehow. I always thought you'd be my first and last, needless to say you gave a hell of a first impression, 'smiles' I wish you all the best for now, for you, Faizal and the little baby. Insya'allah, you'll be a much better person. Never go back to your old ways, remember what you always told me, if not for mummy, don't do anything stupid cause you hate to see tears in daddy's eyes. I miss buzzer & zara kiss them fr me. I miss the smell of your room, the view from your room window, the clubhouse. I miss everything, despite the fact you cheated so many times. I'll still forever care about you, takecare shirin.

with love,
Crysrain

where did we go wrong, all so wrong. We both wanted the same things in life, or so I thought. I want to be a good muslim, but I still want you to be there, can you do that? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with me, just living together, you & me. We will adopt two children so that when we grow old, they can take care of us. We'll have cats around the house, make love in all the rooms, fight an argue with each other almost everyday but still wanting to love each other even after that fight? How sure are you, how sure are you that you can do that? Live with me, against your parents wishes, just to be with me. Against everyone and everything, just to me with me. It's like going against gravity. Which is the strongest force on earth, I don't know about tomorrow, next week, or next year. But I'll tell you this once more, I love you more than I have loved anyone in my entire life, I'm not looking for anyone to replace you. Cause I'm sure no one can top you ever. You have no idea how much this is hurting me, I may not cry and show you, but god knows I have been thinking, praying,wishing, for something, a miracle for somehow I can be with you throughout my entire life. I never want to leave you, ever. I have great pplans for the both of us, since the start.

Labels: Don't give up on me baby.

Eventhough you're with me, it's feels so far away, still..I never
wanted any of this to be happening but it seems like I'm never good enough, I'm forever arguing with you.You're impossible to talk to these days.The longer we are together, the further away I feel I'm from you. This is such a long and painful fight.I din't give up on you, but I feel as though you already gave up on us. You'll never see cause I'll never show, this is killing me. I'm so tired but I can;t stop myself from thinking. I go to you when I need a break. When I'm feeling sad, but it's ssems like I can't do that anymore.

Tell me , if everything happens for a reason . What's the reason for me to feel this way ? If Allah created obstacles so we can overcome it , when will I see the light after being in the tunnel for so long . Im suffocating , I'm so weak . I want to cry , but what difference will it make ? Im pass telling people what's wrong when I know they cant help me . TALK TO MY PARENTS ? FOR FUCKS SAKE , they are so scared they would scream at me to shut up if he's mad . Fuck , I don't want to be this way anymore . This is my desperate cry for help , one last time , before removing everything about myself from this world . Thye say Allah don't give you something you can't handle , then why do people take their own lifes ? Why do they become insane ? After hurting so long , it seems like hurting is the only way to feel sane . I don't expect you to know how Im feeling , or find the right words to say . The least you could do is still be there even after I blown you off so many times . Not be mad at me just because I'm sarcastic . Guess I was wrong , no one can really understand me except for myself .

It's been sucha long time since I blogged . Well actually I just feel like it. I feel as though everything is slipping through my fingers, I want to let lose , but my girlf is the only person that is holding me back.You have no idea how bad things are in such a mess now days, I can only afford to tear up everytime , I wish to tell I do . I wish to let people know how bad I'm hurting , but then again , I'm just scared I'll tear and appear weak . 'sigh' I hate being in this place feeling so low , seriously , I'm not like this . Why did I chose to degrade myself this way. Rian tries her best I know she does , I don;t always acknowledge that fact , but I do realize and appreciate it . She just doesn't know it yet .
Why , why do I feel so lost & restless . It's as thugh everything is all over the place , well , in some way or another , it is .

I miss the girl that would once make other people's happiness her first priority . I've become so bitter , 'sighs' You showed me once , could you please show me once more ?

Labels: and as painless as any poison .