life as we know it

2012-01-07T00:41:00.001+08:00

What happened to us. I miss this, I miss you, but most importantly I miss us. You & me. Always and forever, never meant for each other. I'll take my leave now.

2012-01-02T12:34:00.002+08:00

The minahrepxzxz of afiq's wedding. K no, I'm very protective of all my cousins, and I don't know why throughout the time I was there, I couldn't bring myself to be happy for him at all. Not even for a split second. Why, I hate the girl's side bunch of minah's married to our side. I don't know why I tend to over think things, seriously. I then make vast decisions due to that over thinking. Which will eventually hurt the people around me, but I just don't know. I think Im better off alone, for now. New year , same shit different year. Same bullshit over and over again. OHHHH AND FOR NEWYEAR'S, know what my parents got me, they got me a big "We're are going to lose the house, we have to shift" wtf. Fucking spoil my mood, we fucking rented the room already where could all off daddy's money go to. Got a feeling I have to contribute to the fucking house when that fucker don't do shit. ALWAYS, tadaaaa same shit different year. It NEVER changes. So why even bother. fuck.

2011-12-26T21:01:00.004+08:00

I have been staring at this page for around half an hour, thinking exactly what should I write. I;m sorry I did not mean to hurt my little girl, honestly. You know the feeling of someones new liking you? The excitement that someone else finds you attractive, you're gaining attention but after you surpass all that, what's left is the love, the actual love you have for your other half.

'sighs' Seeing Hazhim & Erwina part just like that, just over a small mistake makes me reflect. It's actually all the small things that affects you the most, cause it accumulates over time snow- balling into a whole shitload of crap. Hard to believe the fact that couples for as long as them 8 years can choose to just walk away from each other. It aches me seeing them like that, cause it reminds me of me & shirin somehow. Sharing everything with each other, tears over the phone. Screams of joy when we pass our N's and cried when we failed our O's. Telling that someone every single detail, finding out dislikes/likes and whatnot. Eventually with them it becomes a routine, difficult to break, like an old habit. How does one decide to part from someone with so much memories and not shed a single tear. You can only smile as you reminisce back everything you guys did tgt. Every fight, every tear, every smile, every heartbreak making you guys stronger as a couple.

& fr you,
I guess it's nothing new to you, that I decide not to pick up your calls or reply your texts. Cause we did it so many times over the past three years. I have always listened to you, your advices,our 1am fights, 3 am makeups. You'd always pester me to study, that's how secretly I manged to always do well in Social Studies, English, Science. Our late night DNT & art dates, forcing me to draw your stuff for you.It was tiring, we both knew that, every single day, with SST till 4.3o/5 needing to study and complete our coursework too. But the fact that you were always there, makes it easier somehow. I always thought you'd be my first and last, needless to say you gave a hell of a first impression, 'smiles' I wish you all the best for now, for you, Faizal and the little baby. Insya'allah, you'll be a much better person. Never go back to your old ways, remember what you always told me, if not for mummy, don't do anything stupid cause you hate to see tears in daddy's eyes. I miss buzzer & zara kiss them fr me. I miss the smell of your room, the view from your room window, the clubhouse. I miss everything, despite the fact you cheated so many times. I'll still forever care about you, takecare shirin.

with love,
Crysrain

2011-12-18T19:43:00.002+08:00

where did we go wrong, all so wrong. We both wanted the same things in life, or so I thought. I want to be a good muslim, but I still want you to be there, can you do that? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with me, just living together, you & me. We will adopt two children so that when we grow old, they can take care of us. We'll have cats around the house, make love in all the rooms, fight an argue with each other almost everyday but still wanting to love each other even after that fight? How sure are you, how sure are you that you can do that? Live with me, against your parents wishes, just to be with me. Against everyone and everything, just to me with me. It's like going against gravity. Which is the strongest force on earth, I don't know about tomorrow, next week, or next year. But I'll tell you this once more, I love you more than I have loved anyone in my entire life, I'm not looking for anyone to replace you. Cause I'm sure no one can top you ever. You have no idea how much this is hurting me, I may not cry and show you, but god knows I have been thinking, praying,wishing, for something, a miracle for somehow I can be with you throughout my entire life. I never want to leave you, ever. I have great pplans for the both of us, since the start.

2011-12-04T18:02:00.002+08:00

Eventhough you're with me, it's feels so far away, still..I never
wanted any of this to be happening but it seems like I'm never good enough, I'm forever arguing with you.You're impossible to talk to these days.The longer we are together, the further away I feel I'm from you. This is such a long and painful fight.I din't give up on you, but I feel as though you already gave up on us. You'll never see cause I'll never show, this is killing me. I'm so tired but I can;t stop myself from thinking. I go to you when I need a break. When I'm feeling sad, but it's ssems like I can't do that anymore.

2011-11-20T19:48:00.002+08:00

Tell me , if everything happens for a reason . What's the reason for me to feel this way ? If Allah created obstacles so we can overcome it , when will I see the light after being in the tunnel for so long . Im suffocating , I'm so weak . I want to cry , but what difference will it make ? Im pass telling people what's wrong when I know they cant help me . TALK TO MY PARENTS ? FOR FUCKS SAKE , they are so scared they would scream at me to shut up if he's mad . Fuck , I don't want to be this way anymore . This is my desperate cry for help , one last time , before removing everything about myself from this world . Thye say Allah don't give you something you can't handle , then why do people take their own lifes ? Why do they become insane ? After hurting so long , it seems like hurting is the only way to feel sane . I don't expect you to know how Im feeling , or find the right words to say . The least you could do is still be there even after I blown you off so many times . Not be mad at me just because I'm sarcastic . Guess I was wrong , no one can really understand me except for myself .

2011-11-12T23:18:00.002+08:00

It's been sucha long time since I blogged . Well actually I just feel like it. I feel as though everything is slipping through my fingers, I want to let lose , but my girlf is the only person that is holding me back.You have no idea how bad things are in such a mess now days, I can only afford to tear up everytime , I wish to tell I do . I wish to let people know how bad I'm hurting , but then again , I'm just scared I'll tear and appear weak . 'sigh' I hate being in this place feeling so low , seriously , I'm not like this . Why did I chose to degrade myself this way. Rian tries her best I know she does , I don;t always acknowledge that fact , but I do realize and appreciate it . She just doesn't know it yet .
Why , why do I feel so lost & restless . It's as thugh everything is all over the place , well , in some way or another , it is .

I miss the girl that would once make other people's happiness her first priority . I've become so bitter , 'sighs' You showed me once , could you please show me once more ?

2011-09-18T17:32:00.004+08:00

I want to start writing in a diary again , the way I used to years back . Filling my diaries with emo-sad crap embarrassing and awkward things that only one person can , other then me , can read . 'sighs' You know what , I really don;t feel like myself anymore . I don;t feel like doing anything most of the time , my time is always spend on work & sleeping and well spending time with rian . I no longer to Syima's stuff no more .

Do you know the nostalgic feeling when you hear a certain song or smell a certain a smell and it reminds you of someone ? Well I'm feeling that now . Maybe it's because I had that dream last night . after so long I cried for her again . Ugh , why do I constantly do this to myself . This song is bringing tears to my eyes , once again . Once again , Im crying for you . Once again , I still feel something , something strong enough to move me to tears again . Despite the fact that the truth is out , despite knowing that 3 years with you was all a lie . ALL A LIE , why do I feel this way fuck .

'sighs deeply' what happen to the love we thought we had ?

2011-07-21T22:56:00.001+08:00

'sighs' arguing arguing is it a must ? It's getting tiring . Im tired . I'm tired . I'm tired .

2011-07-18T20:53:00.002+08:00

It's Monday Monday nothings good on Mondayyyy , 'screws face' I'm so sleepy but yet I force myself to get out out bed and head to school , eventhough I was 5 minutes late . School is tough , 'sighs' All our assignments are pililing on before attachment , help ! I don't understand why they must add on IP , seriously . So as for now , we have dance/drama one of each has to be presented in 3 weeks time . Learning Corner which means like "Barber Shop/Bakers" that stuff to be set up in 3 weeks also . Screw my life , on top of it all there's one paper that we have to sit for . I know right , just one paper . but wait till you see how thick my book is , then you tell me if you start sweating due to stress like me .

Anyways , guess what my friends told me this story about the song sephia by sheila on 7 . Apparently the lyrics of the song was given by this guy ( a complete stranger to the band) , after they succesfully produced the song , they went back to find out to see how this person is doing . Only to find out that the guy passed away a few years back . Spooky ? I know right .

2011-07-17T22:32:00.002+08:00

Ugh ! I nearly died from a heart attack thinking what went wrong with this girl , da biase buat aku panic kan cheebye . Heh , here not counted kay , I can display my vulgarities as I wish . She say something is killing her and I was like what , what happen & she went silent . Ccb , so I called and she adjusted her voice to make it seem asthough she's like crying and ask me to guess what's wrong , dumbdumb , luckily she burst out laughing saying she misses me . If not I wouldnt have known it was a joke ! pfft *

Sometimes I get so scared , nothing is permenant in this world . Change is the only thing that is constant . I'm so afaird of being too happy only to have it beng shortlived , 'sighs' But I keep on trying I'd never know .
Lastly wherever you are , whatever you're doing , I miss you .

2011-07-17T22:12:00.002+08:00

My best friend Amalina , sometimes we can go for days witthout talking to each other & when I'm sitting by mysefl I start to realize that it sucks big time not hearing your voice and your usual "What's up ? No no no you go first .. " I hate the fact that after 4 years we're in different school and we're working at different places . We used to do everything together it's been 1 year plus since we've graduated from sec school yet Im still not used to being apart from you . Guess you'll always remain more than a bestf to me , you grew up next to me we're practically sisters and I miss you <3

My girls my pillar of strength whenever Im down . I seriously wouldnt know what I'd do without them in my life . Each and every one of them eventhough 3 of them are not in the picture . I love the way you guys can always make me laugh away my problems , distract me from what Im actually seeing . I miss us eating on the same canteen table for 3 years . Me & Ama would challenge who can tahan eating the most spicy mee soto with lots of chilli . We would always hold hands and run to the cantten to be the first , heh , budak gemok . During 2.4 I would drag and pull Ina & Liana to run faster so that they'd pass . Going to each other's house after school to watch movies but we end up talking about heart to heart topics . 'sighs' I miss you girls <3<3

2011-07-06T19:02:00.003+08:00

Taken weeks weeks back , when we were watching Hangover 2 at Cineleisure. It's been quite sometime since I last watched movie there brings back so many memories . Stupid-ly funny show , most people said the show was a bore and that Hangover 1 was better but then I disagree , I think that this is way funnier despite the nudity and that gay monkey , heh . So overall , awesome movie plus awesome company . Nyeheh . We sneak in Frolick into the cinema the frozen something yoghurt didn't really go well with the toppings we choose . It's okay it was our first time anyway , 'smiles'

Why did I let myself let you in all over again , why did I listen to you only to be let down . The worst part is that I have already foreseen that it was going to happen but then again , I choose to be ignorant and went ahead . Sometimes I don't really understand why I let myself be hurt all over again , rubbing salt into my half-healed wounds and letting it bleed once again . Stupid me , I even woke up in the middle of the night texting you , which wasn't even aware of . What the hell , seriously . & when I woke up this morning and check our text conversation I saw what I texted you , 'sighs' I do miss you but I miss the old you . Fish , you even use more make up on yur face than I would wear in a lifetime . Why did you have to go changing , 'sighs' Jepon told me once , People change , feelings fade away . Sit back and accept it . Fuck , 3 years just like that . I hate you , I hate you , I truly do ; rebelfreak,berserk.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh , of all the days why did my dad's side from North India have to visit us today . BAHHS* Heh , I missed them , but then again I'll be talking about politics with them , freaking clever relatives I have . Damnnn , tak sabarnyer aku untuk esok ! AHHHHHHHH !

2011-07-04T20:35:00.002+08:00

damnn , I swear I miss my old hair 'screws face' I won't do anything more to my hair until Raye , I promise , 'crosses finger behind back' Heh . Aku sumpah penat , wait , seriously I'm not kidding I'm so tired . I feel like a freaking full-timer , pfft* It has already come to a point where I'm dragging myself to work & Anna's my only motivation . Wake up at 5.45 , get dress , head out , work , break , home . NO LIFE .

TWO MORE DAYS TO USS !
I'm still contemplating on what to wear , bring , ahhhh ! Excited 'dances around' This week is going to be super fun , I just can't wait . My day just got better , CAUSE MY LAPPY WILL BE COMING TO MY HANDS SOON ! AHHHHHH ! Allhamduillah . 'smiles'
Which means , which means , which means , I'll take care of it like a baby . I swear :) No more over charging of the batteries . Thank you Allah <3
Alright I'm so happy right now I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face .

2011-06-30T20:30:00.002+08:00

I wonder if I ever cross your mind just like how you always do . I don't think you're happy at all , but I just don't understand why you won't let me catch you fall . I miss us , I miss you & me trying all kinds of food , experimenting . I miss you calling me late at night and talking till wee hours of the morning till you fall asleep on the phone . I miss treating you like a baby . I miss the way we'd make faces when we listen to a song. I love the way we'd laugh at our own secret joke . I miss how I can talk to you about hisyam and how I hate him so much but yet his still in the house . I miss you making me cry for the most stupidest reasons , I miss us quarreling every single night about everything and nothing . I miss how you'd watch out for me in secondary school , I miss how I'd carry your school bag infront and mine at the back . I miss sitting beside you during malay class and massaging your hands . I miss how you'd try to tie my hair and make me feel better by getting me distracted . I love how you make me feel comfortable in an awkward situation by being by my side . How do you bring yourself to walk away form something that was once so strong , even when there were times I swear I feel like giving up on you on everything , something always whispers to me to just give it one more try . Just one more try , why are you even putting yourself through this , I know his not the one . I know , we promised each other remember ? That we'd choose our soulmate for each other & I just know his not the one . You're better than this but you just refuse to see .

crysrain , no you hang up .

2011-06-28T18:52:00.005+08:00

See my new hair color , my sissy say I look like minah rep 'screws face'
But someone else doesn't think so , heh . I wanted it to look brown but instead it looks red , BAHS*

Anna sayang , aku sayang kau bodoh .

The SB-CP team , I miss the old team though .

My girls , anna , farlinah , me , zee :)

So this are the updated pictures of the pit ! Nyehehe , Anna sat on my lap throughout the whole meeting and we keep taking like around 8-9 stingray's and sotongs . I was so full already we makan serioulsy like budak gemok . So i dyed my hair & the color is kinda off , Im praying that the color runs so the real color will be shown .
& I just put down the phone with Zuzu finally get to talk to her after so long , feels like secondary school days . Hope you're feeling better Zuzs , on the 9th I let you spank me one time only kay , to make you happy . I REPEAT ONE TIME ONLY .
I realize many things lately , like why bother to express yourself , people call me ego , hard-headed , but when I do express myself , they do nothing about it why bother ? Or maybe they would like change for awhile then go back to their old self , I'm sick of pointing out where your're wrong there and there . if you wanna change you'd should see if for yourself . Im still there , but you'll have to prove to me your worth it . Cause I'm losing faith , in you .

You said you can read me like a book , so can you read how I'm feeling now ?

2011-06-26T19:47:00.003+08:00

My manager the curly wurly Saiful , never fail to make my opening an eye opener always . I miss working with him 'screws face'
This was taken last week at our starbucks SB-CP bbq pit . I helped in the cooking alot this time round eating of standing near the pit and gobbling everything up . Heh , I was actually not feeling well since I dint go home on Sunday night . I promised myself I won't drink after all that has happened and I'm glad Anna was there to make sure I kept to my promise . I initially wanted to swim with the rest but I din't bring the proper attire and a change of clothes . A kind soul azman lend me his clothes , but in the end I decided not to swim . Why ? I scared I'll get darker , shutup . Don't laugh , haahs .

Last week for three days I had to go to Kinderland Childcare Centre at Tanjong Pagar to teach the kids art , at first It was awkward I kinda stand there smiling to them looking like a fool but I bet they barely can tell . After which we got into groups to teach them different techniques that we would be doing . This girl , Metta was so adorable she stuck by beside me the whole time and she'd giggle everytime I brush her hair . Viola the most lady-like child I ve ever seen with proper manners , she has the puss in the boots eyes , completing the cute girl look with bangs and a ponytail . We continue doing the art pieces till the last day , I couldnt bear to leave them eventhough it was just for three days I teared up and cried like a baby & they all came charging at me giving me a big group hug . I was so touched I cried more but trying to push them away at the same time , I shy la . The three days spend there was so meaningful , eventhough I was so sleepy and tired on the last day I managed to force myself to get up and there's not many events where I'm like that so yeahh .

lastly , you're killing me without even trying .

2011-06-25T21:29:00.002+08:00

Bumped into this guy yesterday , apparently he's working at causeway again . & the way he was smiling at me show that he has been looking at me from afar even before I walked passed his shop . I know eddie , heh . Shall let you guys figure out where though . Isn't it weird how for a period of time he was all I ever wanted and needed , things changed people changed . I do have those moments where I'll just sit down and think about everything and nothing in particular . I do get scared , really scared . The one thing that scares me the most is that if someone can just throw a 3 year relationship away just like that what makes you think you on give up on me somehow , someday ?

I've always believed that there's a reason why I can never take my mind off you , maybe you were meant to be there . Etched somewhere in my brain , kept safe . People go through 4 steps after a break up . They cry , they get clingy , they get mad and then they move on . But I go through the 4 steps over and over again . I keep forcing myself , if you're happy I'll be happy . I once told you that , if happy isn't with me I allow you to leave . Apparently you did , somehow I wished you'd give me a better reason to break up with me , but then what possibly could be the"perfect reason" for a breakup . I'll always make a reason for you to stay .
& I hope that no matter what you're doing out there , whoever you're with know that I'm always here. I'll never show though this still kills as much as I try to push you out from my head you still manage to come back in . You know I'm talking about you , guess you're better at moving on then I will ever be .

I'm going to try & sleep and stop thinking , Ya Allah , for once don't wake me up from my sleep crying because when I do I'll look at my phone and there's still nothing from you and I feel so empty inside . Please don't let me go through that feeling I'm not strong enough . I never fail to look at our pictures on my wall and tear up I dont have the heart to tear it down though , guess I'll be this way then .

withlove,
Syima

2011-04-29T21:13:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIIa44jMww0

this song is so amazingly sweet , it makes me just wanna cry . Heh , amazing how someone who knows you so much is able to use everything they know about you all this years against you . You ask yourself what kind of person does that , after being with each other for so long but well you've have to understand that even the longest of marriages ends in divorce , nothing in our temporary world is certain . Everything will end someday somehow . Then you'd start to wonder why would you ever want to try in the first place , here's the deal . Im the kind of person who thinks if you'd never try you'd always never know .

2011-04-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

No one actually stops loving someone , it's either you'd always love them or you never loved them .
The hardest part of letting go is stopping yourself to run away .

2011-04-14T22:35:00.003+08:00

Budak selengeh transformed ? No ? Okay .
It's been centuries since I updated , cause all my updates are in my drafts or my new diary <3
So blogger dead , but today I feel like typing instead of writing so just let me be . Had a , well how do I put it ? Emotional talk with my clique just now ; they made me cry like a small kid . They say I'm sensible but when it comes to love I'm just a weakling , of course I fought to justify myself otherwise but it seems like well yeah , I'm always so afraid to lose the other party that I tend to think of the worst possible scenarios even if she's not doing it . I'm just paranoid like that , love ? What's that . It's finally over , I should say that with a hint of relief but instead fat sobby tears roll down my cheeks everytime I hear her voice or she her smile . MOVE ON , how do I ? She gave me so much to remember , we practically grew up together . Moving on seems so easy for her to do , I don't even sense a tinge of sadness coming from her . Moving on means letting go everything we had , forgetting it , making it another chapter in my life called memories . With time it will fade , I'll probably forget how much I truly love her and yearn for her . But that's the thing , I DON'T want to forget , I want to keep this going . Mistakes both of us , I know . It did made us stronger every single one of it , I'm saying sorry . But I do still love you , behind this strong front which won't ever admit that I still do . I yearn for you and I will always hold a place for you in my heart . When you read this I probably won't be talking to you , cause I can't stand to be freinds with someone I dearly love and looking you in the eye unable to hold you . It kills me to see you , you have no idea seriously . I don't want you to continue to see me cry for you , swollen eyes and eyebags , I don't want that for you . Know that even if we're not talking I do think of you , every night . You're still the first and last person that is on my mind now and forever , I don't care what people say . I love you S . It will always be S.S .

2011-02-16T10:42:00.003+08:00

'sighs deeply' why do I feel this way ? I want you to be happy , Im sure you know that I don't want to go down that road if you're just able to leave me just like that . You got no idea how I hug myself to sleep feeling so alone , even if it kills me I promised you that I'll never walk out of your life and Forever isn't just a word to me even if it means nothing to you . Call me a flirt call me a bitch call me everything you want , I'll never stop loving you till my last breath I'll be here for you . Rub your cheek , hold your hand , hug you till you're out of breath . Run with you , cry with you . Yearn for you for a place in my heart still holds your name up till now , look into my eyes you will know how I feel for you . You thought me so many things that I'll bring everywhere I go . We will always be able to talk for hours about anything and everything , I'll be mad yes I will , but give me time and you know , you know I'll have your back . I have never left yur sight and I dont even plan to walk away . You have to trust me , I can't be there for you like how I always used to , but only time will tell . You have my heart S , doesn't mean that I dont utter the words I love you often it means that I don't love you . I do , I want to show you that actions speaks louder than words .

2010-06-21T00:07:00.002+08:00

Finally after what seems like forever I met up with my girls , though two wasn't present we dearly wished that you guys would come for the next one . Initially it was drizzling but when we settled down the rain stop and we started enjoying ourselves . Decided to put all my worries and sadness and my handphone away for just one day and enjoy myself . These girls seriously made my day , with their sillyness and zuzu forever making me her subject of amusement . I seriously enjoyed myself , more to come right girls ? Love you guys now till forever .

It's been whole day & you only texted one time throughout the whole day . You'd never see how much you mean to me , your not trying . I dont know why Im addicted to the song called "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" heh , oldie song . But I seriously love it , maybe it's bcus I've been watching too much Glee . Bloody addictive show ,
last but not least HAPPY DADDY'S DAY ! I love you daddy , thankyou for bringing me up for so many years and never even raising one finger at me before , you and mummy mean the whole to me . love you .

2010-06-17T00:23:00.005+08:00

It's true when people say that you can fight with the person most closest to you , bcus of money . Be it your mum , or your dad , your brother , your grandparents , anyone .
It tears people apart , it eats them up so far down till it's too late and you won't realize that finally , you lose the person that once cared so much about you .
Sometimes , I wished for all so many things . To be with you , just hearing you breathe in and out . Be in your arms , call you in the middle of the night and you just ready to catch me when I fall , whenever however . Just now , I realized that wishes remain wisheS and not everyone and everything would go according to plan . The truth is people are just going to hurt you , you just have to find the ones that are worth hurting for . If I din't want the best for you , I would have left so long ago .

before I sleep , I'd just think about all the shit that happens and the good stuff too . I'd text you about the stuff bothering me at that moment but you dont get it , you never do .

2010-06-15T00:06:00.002+08:00

This was taken on Sunday when I had my group meeting , I swear I'm sorry Desiree I wasn;t there to support you , you know that I would have come if I had the chance right ? Im sorry ,go on and call me a bitch , I deserve it .
I sad to say that only our appetizer made it , our Pink Ink Drink smelled and tasted like crap . Only Utt dared to try it and wanted somemore , sheesh . Heh , Our Apple Crunch burnt in the oven halfway , and our main course became a burger . We changed the recipe so much that it eventually became a burger .

Then today I was working but then halfway I experience pain at the side of my stomach it was so extreme that I couldn't even stand . I went into Concess to tell Hazel that I wanted to sit down but eventually fainted . Bahh* When I woke up I was sweating cold sweat and lying down the worst part was my body was aching . Mhedz wanted to sent me home but I declined his offer and took the cab money home myself .
Baby is so concerned but instead of thinkg about my pain , Im thinkg about her stress and how Im going to help her . As a result I neglect myself , but Its all for her so it's worth it .
Mummy , how I wished that you'd care more about me , how I wished you would'nt vent your anger on us when your actually mad at him , Daddy I how I hope you would'nt shout at Mummy bcus your are just as helpless as her , I wished that you would not blame her for every shit that he does . DADDY & MUMMY , how I wished you guys would open your eyes and see that he isn't worth fighting for . How I wished that I wouldnt have to fight with you all every single time I disagree that your always sacrificing everything for him , OUR FAMILY , YOUR JOBS , YOUR MONEY YOUR TIME . How I wished that he din't exist in our lives at all , how I wished that he wouldn't leave my mum crying for him every night for his mistakes . I wished he ceased to exist , I swear that our family would be so much happier . Why oh why god , why .. 'tears fall'
You bloody fuck , you dragged everyone in this shit with you , fucker . We do not want to get involve it's your shit . Now mummy and daddy is so stress up thinkg about you they are venting it on us , fucker . & I have to be woken up early in the morning only to hear you guys arguing and see a dozen of people in the living room with an expression that says they wished could fucking kill you . Fuck you for making my only childhood exprience a living hell , fuck you .

2010-06-07T21:01:00.003+08:00

I need to be surrounded by people who loves me right now , like really . 'screws face' AMAAAAA WHERE ARE YOU ?
Cause I remember every word that you said , It keeps spinning around in my head and It doesn't matter what I try to do cause I'll keep forgetting to forget about you .
Every time you said that your daddy this , your grandma this , I'll just keep quiet . I hate the feeling of people resenting me , esp if it's your family . They are you family , do you know how important family is to me ? At the end of the day love , it is them that would provide for us , care for us put a shelter our our heads . Tell me baby , that it's going to be alright . Tell me that in due time they would forget , tell me baby despite everything you would always always try to make things better .

whyamifeelingsofuckingdownwhywhywhy?screwthis.
cause everything we've been through is everything about you .

2010-06-06T21:10:00.002+08:00

Gosh , I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way . Why did you have to come running back ? Screw you ass . I miss the person that would call me kiddy and pat my head . Whenever I'm crossing the roads you never fail to hold me by the hand pull me along . I miss the person that would stare into my eyes making me feel that it's just us sitting at Pastamania and no one else . I miss the person who would pull my hand away from my mouth so that she could hear me scream in the theater . I miss the person whom I would fight with whenever it comes to paying something , eventually you always win . I miss the person who would bring me sight-seeing knowing it's my favorite thing to do , by the beach just to talk about anything , our fears , our goals . I miss the person that brought me to her house to get to know her family and freinds . I miss the person that would scold me , calm me down , care for me whenever however . I miss the person that would wake up for me in the middle of the night whenever I have a bad dream . I miss the person who felt asleep on the sofa with her mouth open . I miss the person that would fight with me about songs and who found it first . I miss the person that lend me her phone cause my battery was flat and i brought it home for 5 days . I miss the person that took me in her arms and took out her slipper to squash the roach . I miss the person who cried for me at Esplanade telling me not to go . I miss the person who cried in her work place toilet cause I was leaving . I miss the person that would text we seriously long text messages why I shouldn't go . I used to cry to you about so many things that I find it hard that I can't do the same now .

I miss you , I always wondered why did you have to fall in love with me instead of being my friend . We would have been great friends , I'm sorry I broke your heart but
I hope you understand that we will never be together . I understood you your fears , your wants your needs .

2010-06-06T20:49:00.002+08:00

Hey , lovelies . Baby Kilah apparently isn't a baby anymore , she's so adorable seriously . She slept over my house for a day but I had to work , darn-ed . So I woke up early in the morning to play with her , I want her first language to be English but since she doesn't live with us she speaks more malay and when I speak to her in English she doesn't understand . 'sighs' I wished that I had more time with her , I told her " Kilahhh smile kilahh ..." Then she say , " mineeee " and that's when I snap the picture of her . But it's sad when she cries for her caregiver which she calls nenek instead of my mum . I know my mum tries hard to hide her sadness but I know her too well .
On the bright side , Mummy took just 4 days off to spend time with us and I'm glad to say that we have become closer , heh . Me like it alot , asked her to shop with me and all . I seriously love that we get to spend time with each other .

& today morning I went out of my house on a empty stomach and when I reach causeway I had a terrible headache . Very clever syima , heh . I mostly slacked and slept at home and irritated my Mum and painted Hazhim's nails pink !
Now , I'm waitg very patiently for my baby to get home , miss her very much already . I'm glad that we manage to work things out , esp you since you are very patient with me willing . But next time I hope that you won't go angry the whole day , Im sorry . Sometimes , when I say things , I don't really think about the consequences . I just want the best for you , cause you , deserve the best .
I love you .

2010-06-02T22:03:00.002+08:00

These girls crack me up every single day , Zanna and Ayu fight to keep me sane & you know what Ayu din't vote me as monitress as she was afraid that I would'nt have time to spent with her with my duties and all . Sweet kan ? Adui , she's a year younger than me yet so mature . But no one has even come close to my girls ,i love them a hell lot eventhough I dont get to see them as much as I would like to these days .Ama , liana , zuzu, sab , ina , mizah i miss you guys . 'sighs'

Where can I turn when Im so uncertain , who can I talk to when you're not there ? Cause you said forever me and you . But you left .. & now I'm killing myself for all that I feel . I'm sorry , I just want you to stop your habit . How would you feel if I was the one doing it ? And you can't do anything except to just hope and pray that you'd change . If I get mad at you , you'll get mad at me and I dont want to fight , I dont want to fight with you cause i love you so . You're driving me insane , you're no longer the person I thought I knew . The person that would listen to what I have to say when I'm sad, saying "takmu emo-mo-mo" . Be sweet to me in all so secretive ways , do stupid stunts to see how much I care for you .I miss that , i miss you . Up till now , you still can't see how much you mean to me , do I ahve to take my heart out from my chest to show you that it beats your name ? Or the fact that you're the only reason I want to ever live at all . That I dont if you're wrong or right or you just murdered someone , but as long as you're with me I'm okay ?

fxck this feeling,iwanttohitmyselfrealllybadlynowimsorrybutiloveyou.

2010-05-30T19:21:00.002+08:00

Choices , choices . Right or left ? Why is it that I always follow my heart instead of my head . See the shit that I've gotten myself into , we as a group shouldn't have lied in the first place , lied into making them believe that our playkit is nearly done . I have yet to see it for myself and the best part is that the deadline is drawing closer and I'm freaking out . It's my marks too you know , I can't have someone irresponsible running my chances . Am I being selfish ? Hardly , we can have fun as soon as everything is done . Why don't you guys get it ? Damnn , wished I was with Zanna's group , or Angie's . Friends are friends , I promise that I'll catch you if you fall but why are you letting me fall also ? GAHHS* I hate this .
I honestly believe that you have it inside of you , really . I know that you can speak , can do . Why don't you show it to the world instead of making it some hidden talent . I want this cert badly guys , really badly cause I wanna go poly . I wanna do well , I wanna be somebody .

I didn't know that ITE life could be so stressful , projects after projects . The worst part ? Our class is super competitive . REALLLLYYYY , no seeing their individual project and all . Secrecy they claim . Well , it seems like it's every man for himself aye ? But I'm sure my darlings would still help me .
On a brighter note , GSS IS HEREEEEEE . Finally baby and I are going shopping and spent some quality time together , seriously can't wait . Heh .

For the past 3 days I have been working back to back and like finall last night i feel sick , to make things worst . There's this woman puke on her lappy and herself , seeing it makes me wanna barf too but her loving husband rush to her side offering her water and tissues . How sweeet , 'smiles' Then I went to the toilet and put my wallet beside the sink but it felt in what I dint know is that there was "kahak" in it & I touched it . EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW , my wallet was covered in it , I immediately threw it away . Ama still can laugh at me , hmpf !

2010-05-23T23:07:00.002+08:00

Surrounded with people around me and I still feel so alone , how is that possible ? I gave myself away and I got nothing left to lose but still so alone . I din't choose this or did I ? My heart is stuck and this feeling is breaking me up and I can't talk to you . Let alone see you , fish . This sucks , honestly .
Tell me how do I carry on without this heavy burden in my heart everyday and you're not even here so that I can watch over you , care for you . I pray for you every single day , even my mom does . How am I suppsoed to ask you to cheer up when it's nearly impossible to put a smile on my face anymore .

I pray/hope that everything would be alright .

2010-05-16T17:31:00.002+08:00

To A ,
I miss you , 'screws face' I always knew that I could run to you whenever regardless of anything , even if I had a swelling tummy I knew that you'd sit me down and talk to me . So how did it come to this ? I don't want to text and to call you afraid what I might hear , but you have already said sorry . F shit , 'kicks self' Don't leave me in this cruel world alone , you know that I still need you . This is the first time after 3 years that we've been apart and I HATE IT . Despite of all the people that has appeared in my life at this point of time , I know they won't stay . You will always stay , I love you 'tears fall'.

AHHHHHHHH , fine . Today I'm in a super emo mood , I watched Bride Wars and it suck because the show taught me how close the two brides/bestfriends are . So close that somehow your bestfreind actually knows you more than you know yourself . The show only made me miss A , evenmore . 2Months since we met , how long do you plan to go ?
Don't you miss me ? Screw this .

2010-05-05T22:01:00.003+08:00

Firstly I hope that you like what I've given you baby , I hope by now you know that you're the only one I want , need and love . You're the only person that keeps me sane . Don't love kay , I actually cried while writing the last page of the book , heh . Sick right ? Cause it's from the heart .

Well the pictures above are compilation of pictures since the first week of school till yesterday . Consists of Zanna , Ayu , Mai , Sue , Kah , Jannah , Anis . Those are form my class , but got one girl not in my class but she's not in our class but she hangs out with us like regularly , Liana . Heh , THANKS , for picking me up form the ground when I was feeling down just now .
Have even the second month into the course and Im feeling stress up already , but I'm sure my group can do it . RIGHHHHTTTT XTREMMMESSSS !? Heh .
Baby is struggling to learn POA in a few days case exams are round the corner , luckily baby's friends are patient enough to teach her since she never learn POA at all in secondary school . You're a fast learner , love , you have always been .

Life seems to be sailing smoothly these days , I love the fact that me and baby dont fight like we used to no more . YAYNESSSS , kay . I'm shagged , nights world .

2010-04-29T22:45:00.002+08:00

Everyone everyone been so busy with school , so am I . Projects has already been streaming in and I thought that Higher Nitec would be laid back my bet & the best part of all of it is that my class is super competitive so everyone is pushing everyone to do their best . We have already failed once , we are certain we won't repeat the same phase again .

I joined netball but somehow I sucked at it , so Im quitting and continuing with photography . & Im super tired , I work like crap still the pay is unsatisfying , damn-ed . But I have to hold on and pull through cause I know I can , heh .
I know Zanna and Ayu only for a few weeks yet they care about me like asthough we have known each other for years , it's amazing . BUt I still miss talking with my usuals until I end up talking about the things Me , Ama , Liana , Shirin , Zuzu , Mizah , Sab , Ina , Desiree used to do . Heh , dumb but super fun and it helps me get through the day .

Maybe you can clearly see that I miss you , I want to spent time with you but somehow you're always pushing me away with a " No , you wont understand " You're not even giving me a chance , help me understand what's hurting you , why are constantly running away from me , don't be like 'her' saying Im too good for her . Whatdaafish .
I love you and I'll accept all your imperfections which makes you perfect in the end . The fact that the both of us are still standing here together says alot doesn't it ? Nearly 2 years love , 2 years . It may be a short period of time for you , but to me 2 years is a really long time . You're special to me , cause you're mine for keeps . Just try to understand how I feel also , in a relationship there are two people , I have feelings too you know . I ask questions and all not just to get you piss on purpose , it's because I want to be reassured .
A few more days love .

lastly , I miss a whole bunch of people , 'screws face'

2010-04-14T19:14:00.002+08:00

It's the third day of school , damn I hate changes . I hate starting all over again where no ones knows what you're name is , how crazy you can be .
If I were to say that I love going to school , I'd be lying . It's ok , I can click with everyone since like 95% of them are girls , but then again like secondary school all of them has groups . Time and time again I ask myself why I always befriend with the quiet people in class maybe cause I love to see how they change in the end .
Like this girl Zanna that is always with me , on the first day we exchange shy smiles and well I talked quiet alot and it managed to get her to start talking .

But then again , its seriously different . I miss my other classmates so badly already , especially those in the same school as me . I can't freaking see baby eventho we're in the same sch , whatdaa . Then I'm still working , so Im going to be super busy .
Thankyou Liana for texting me in class , keeping me company , knowing the discomfort I feel . Thankyou for always looking out for me , taking the initiative to look for me , always , i love you .

& Zuzu thankyou for going home with me , hearing me out , you don't know how it made me feel . Thankyooou , I love you more than any pussies on any sideburns . Heh .

Happy anniversary love , we're in a different class this year , f damn ! It feels like crap without you around , seriously . But From the looks of it you're loving you class , and I wont stand in the way other than to be happy for you .

2010-04-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

2010-04-05T20:20:00.004+08:00

Those were at SBDC . Super long-tiring-super-fun-smexy-sweaty-day .
Tiring cause the previous day I worked till 3am and the next day I woke up at 9am , how sucky . Just cause I can't fall back to sleep , GAHHS*
...I've long forgotten about you.
Had this talk with Desiree and was meaning to blog it out , we were taling about school and friends and how we all used to be so close . Noticed I used the word 'used' , well cause we're not now . We came form the same school , shared the same interests and well mostly everything but then we had to take different routes that's how we drifted . It takes alot , to still constantly be in someone's life , constantly call them text them , if not just one day could really make a difference . They could just slipped away , and before you know it , when you see them outside you'd probably be debating with yourself if you should pretend to not notice that they are there or smile and walk away . & then you ask yourself how did it ever come to this . But if you force yourslef to think back it's ayou forctually your ego and your lack of incentive to find the other party thus letting them slip away . If they really mean alot to you like how you claim they are , you would never let them have the chance to slip away . This takes alot of effort , I should know . I do it everyday .

Was on the phone with Zuzu awhile back , I know exactly how you feel . Trust me , when you feel like whining your heart's desires to your other half they ask you to shut up , wanting them to call you in the middle of the night just to say that they love you , but they never do . Wanting to just cuddle up to them and play with their fingers and sharing thoughts , doubts and fears but time and time again they push you away . And you go looking for another , to fill you with love , who loved you first , who treats you all so amazingly . But when the other party finds out , you guys , fight , cry and he tells you why you shouldn't go , why he loves you . & because of that you stayed cause that was all you wanted in the first place . But then again , he takes you for granted yet again , and the vicious cycle starts all over again until one of you throws in the white flag . Talking doesn't help , crying just makes you feel better momentarily , shit happens . But , I always always believe in this zuzu darlg , if it's love then let hurt . If it means you bleeding in the end , the one at the losing end ... Just because it's love .

I wonder why Im so emotional , darned . Maybe cause of last nights twisted events , only Desiree knows , 'sighs' thanks for being there , hearing me out and reminding me constantly who's the really there for me . Well , Baby's back all I ask from you is not to take me forgranted .

2010-04-01T19:00:00.003+08:00

HYEE .
I'm syima and lately I love my life , there's no pain no fear anymore . I longer feel insecure and it's amazing . It's like I know I'm falling again but I dont do anything to stop it cause I know that someone is going to catch me .
Well , what have I been doing this week aye ? Work alot & Ninie has laid her eyes on this new guy and she's all smitten by him it's so cute ! Sup cute can ?
Work has been same same , but I heard sometg about someone , shall not be irrational and listen to it until prove is given . & Shahril quit being sucha ass can ? But you got help me alot laa kay . Haahs .

AHHHH , I've nothing to blog about . Except went to the Marina resort dont know what interview today , safe to say it went smoothly . Higher pay , like finally , but even greater responsibility . I'm not sure if I want to continue working and schooling at the same time but on the hand I want to stop asking my parents for cash everytime and I want to be able to be responsible for myself . But it's going to be hard , I'm super glad that Ama and Nadrah would be there also . Hopefully I can 'smiles'
Baby call I laa , aiyer ! I know you can be way better than this if you want to .Plus , once again we're in the same school ! Another 2 more years , love .

2010-03-27T21:54:00.004+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIZAH , 'grins like a mad person' finally legal , hee . I hope that your wishes and dreams come true on this very special day , and I hope you'd love the things that I left in your fridge (eventho you did most of it !) . Heh ♥♥
Thankyou for disturbing me nearly everyday of your life , and fightg with me most of the time then cryg and making up . We're sick , heh but still ♥
HAPPY BDAY !

Worked till 1 last night & Hafiz said that I looked as though I haven't sleep for days . Whatdaa , that's what happen when you stay up crying and waiting for someone to call . YES , every night , but eventually they never call . Greatttt , I love working , cause for that like 6 hours plus your mind is all about serving the customers . Attending to their every need , making sure they have drinks and napkins on laps & most importantly food on their table . You don't no time to think about your feelings , hell yeah . You just have to put a big smile on your face and get out there . FISH MANNN .
Cabbed home and talked with Salina , she told me bout the hilarious things that happen at Butterfact when she's on duty . Sheesh . Reached home , bathe , text-ed zuzu and hit the sack . Wheeew .

Today woke up at 8.30 , suddenly my phone alarm tone is the most irritating sound I've ever heard . Got bathe and dressed , called Zuzu that smelly arse still sleepg , took my time to do my hair and all , in the end I was the one who came late . Rushed to Orchard got my pay , buy the stuff and feed the pussy donuts and headed t woodlands and to Mizah's house to bake . All in the nick of time , I was super pissed already cause it was super hot and I was carrying so many things . Heh , while Mizah baked , hey , I helped also okay ! Psht . Me and Zuzu fooled around and Zuzu felt asleep while I ate . Then we all headed out , said bye to Mizah and me and Zuzu headed to her place rented some cd's and watch them over a bowl of tom yam noodles , yum 'grins' In the end I felt asleep , while Zuzu was reading to me . Heh , your voice was super soothing okay ! Heh , then Zuzu's mum wanted salt so headed out again to get some and get pancakes and then I headed home . I'm super shag , but Thanks Mizah for the earlier part of the day (stepping on me and saying you love me , whatdaaa ♥ )& Zuzu for these past 2 days has been awesome , always putting a smile on my face and cracking me up ," I cannn , I cannn make your bed rock," Heh .I love you , 'grins' You made me forget , but still ..

Im sick and tired of being sick and tired , waiting for a call every night that Im never going to get . Its draining me , It's you Im missing , din't know that was so hard to understand . You turn my rainiest days into sunshine how did it turned out this way , I seriously don't know what to say . Once you asked me why Im crying when I know it would change nothing , well simply cause it hurts . All I can afford to do is to shed my worthless tears for you , rip my aching heart and give it to you and give you a piece of my restless mind . But , I've learnt that it doesn't matter to you just like every other thing I do . You're so close yet I can't seem to reach you , I just don't know who you are anymore . They said in love you have to compromise , break rules you swore you wont break , to give and to understand , Im understanding and holding it in , you used to share you used to give , you used to understand but most importantly you used to love me . I ask myself constantly how am I supposed to let go of someone who is my everything , who used to calm me down just by hholding my hand , who understand me without saying anything at all , who loved me without any intention of using me , who's love was so pure . Who alwas reminded me I'm not alone , well I don't know how to answer that question yet , cause Im still dealing with it . I dont even know what we are , crap . Im crying again , 'sighs'
For gods sake , i love you .

2010-03-23T17:04:00.002+08:00

I just need somebody to love , I need somebody .. DID I TELL YOU GUYS HOW MUCH I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER ? Well , Im telling you guys now :)
And when he sings those heartfelt songs , make me just wanna sit down and cry . Hahs , so basically today , I got an very early morning call from baby , Im sorry that I can't help you . Im so sorry 'sighs'

Have you ever fought with your significant other , and both of you are just pissed at each other and arguing just seems to worsen everything ? And when either which hangs up the phone one you leaving you crying , and you sleep just to make yourself feel better , but it hits you like a brick on the head when u wake up the next day reminding you last night was real ? Well welcome to my world ♥

2010-03-21T23:21:00.003+08:00

Had a BLAST just now . Seriously feeling under the weather these days , so texted Zuzu & amazingly she wasn't workg . Haahs , headed to causeway to return my books and well we couldn't help ourselves from getting some guilty pleasures , 'grins' Then headed to Nad's crib to eat , catch up with each other and all . In the end I got grope numerous of times by Zuzu ! Gahhs * I'm proud to say that eventho nad's bed seduce me like crazy I did not fall asleep this time , heh .

That's all folks .
Im just still cold , just like the way you treat me .

2010-03-20T21:10:00.003+08:00

Basically , Im super free this week . But when I'm super free , everyone suddenly seems to be so busy . The weather seriously suits my mood , futhermore after endless of fights . I dont fight to fight with you , Im just telling you cause I tell you everything dont I ? It seems that Im preparing me heart for the worst , somehow I feel this is getting old , and this time this is for real . If you want to let me go , just do it quickly . I talk as though this isn't hurting me , no wonder you said it's as though I don't care about you . You know I love you so , but , 'sighs'

So Thursday as promised I turned up for my last day at work , I forgot what it was called though & so I became the bar women serving beer and wines . I wonder why white wine seems to be in more demand than the red one . But the thing that really cracked me up was when this super-singaporean person walked to me and said ," Can I have a glass of RAD wine ?," Trying too hard , pfft * Blahh , we couldn't wait till the whole event was done . And when it was , we had a party of our own , super fun . We started drinking and twisting and doing stupid stuff , well there was alot of leftover food so we ate until we were so full we lay on the floor and talked and talked . They pestered me not to leave , but I just can't ... Im so sorry .

Then today , headed down to West Coast Mall , to support Desiree in her dance comp . Proud to say they made through into the finals ! YAYYYY ! Haahs , anyhoots , I got lost 3 times on my way there , 'screws face' Wasting my stupid adult fare ezlink . & When I got there I was soaking wet and cold , cause it was raining again . Took lots of picts , ate and then headed to Lot 1 to go home with mummy .

Im super cold , hugs anyone ?

Baby , I seriously love you kay . Let's try .

2010-03-12T12:00:00.002+08:00

I swear I love this fuzzy mess of mine . GEH * It's actually sad to be leaving , Siti gave in and talked to me , heh . And next Thursday would somesort of farewell for me , cause all of us would be doing and event at PL .If only I could find my Polaroid camera . 'sighs' We had staff meeting yesterday , I swear I didn't want to go but Brandon made me extend till 10 so I had to go . Whadaaa , came in and people all turned and look at me and Siti , heh . So while Andrew was conducting the meeting he emphasized that he hated employees that throw temper and throw their badge saying they want to resign and looked directly at me . Whatttttthehoot , anyways then the worst part is he said " Right syima ? " , I just nodded and Siti poked me . Haahs , other than that Andrew seems to have warmed up to me , He caught me eating 3 times , though it was the same hotdog . And also me blending smoothies for Anwar .Wished she could stayed longer .

I would never go a day without you , Im trying the very best I can .

Spooked .

2010-03-06T13:01:00.002+08:00

Forced myself to be brave about this and went to register with mummy , the whole time there I couldn't calm my nerves and so to calm me down I called Ama and talked to her all the way . I must say she did a pretty good job , 'grins'
Then rushed down to work , was last 5 minutes , wheew . With the crowd at Cineleisure and at the lift lobby I had to take the escalator up , darn-ed . Rushed to change and took my charger , books and the Preview Lounge keys and ran up . When Zuzu texted saying that she's coming with Mizah & Faris to watch Alice in Wonderland 3D . That show seriously gives me the creeps , I hate the way they did Johnny Depp's Make up .
On the first day it was launched five families took their crying kids out of the cinema . Heh . Go watch it for yourself , I watched the show already anyways .

So , then Zuzu , Mizah & Faris arrived and chatted with them for awhile till my manager came in and brief me about tomorrow's events set up . Thennnn , awhile later my flustered manager came walking in with Fann Wong and her husband , I was awed . Heh . & No , I dint take a picture with them even though my manager did ! Their oder was super huge , like 16 beverages and 12 popcorns and we had to sent by a tray . So much for star treatment . Awhile later he came back in with his laptop and slept upstairs the lounge . So I was all alone till Ain came and started tearing tickets for hall 6 , we were talking when the cutlery I prepared for tomorrow's event just flew to the floor by itself , I have the tendency to point out what I hear or see . When I did point out to Ain , the rest of the cutlery flew to the floor , Me and Ain stared at each other for awhile before we started running . I was super scared and dragged Aki in . He told me even more stuff I dint want to hear , but accompanied me for awhile . It was 11.30pm and I only can close at 12.30 . So for that one hour iI locked myself in the kitchen and read a book . I heard people going up and down of the stairs but whenever I open the door to check there was always no one . I swear I wanted to cry , so I quickly closed the place before it was supposed to and ran down . Gahhs * And so I headed back home with Naqiah and I told her all about it , and she told me I havent seen anything yet . What the hell ...

2010-03-03T11:20:00.003+08:00

Registration is this Friday , thinking about it still frustrates me 'sighs' , but I'm left with no choice . AHHHHH , whatever .
So , I watched Valentine's Day with Mizah a few days back , it made me teared , heh . It was free , that's why we watched it when the entire Singapore watched it already :)

Two days back , headed home with Baby but she went to meet her friends so I was about to go home by myself when I bumped into my cousin , Dona . She told me something really disturbing . How could you , why did you ? God , what is wrong with you . Why did you get drunk bcus of me , that's bcus I still mean something to you and it clearly shows . But , Im just going to pretend like I dint hear any of these . It took me everything I had in me to stop myself from calling you that night . It would not change anything , it already happened . It's better this way you & me , far apart .
Don't come back to me , ever .

I better get going , going t meet baby then head to work .
Have fun everyone , cause I know I will , 'smiles'

2010-02-26T02:24:00.003+08:00

HEYY HO LET'S GOO !
Im supposed to be asleep , but it's been awhile since i blogged with my lappy , so here I am . GAHS* Every single day me and baby would have late night supper & I really think Im putting on weight . Need to go on a diet , nyeh ( if i can stick to it for more than 5 hours I'll be super-sastified )
So , this show Dear John just opened today , seems from the crowd that rained in cineleisure just now it must be a great show . Anyhoots , I got free tickets , but baby is busy . 'sighs'
So who's frreeeee ? heh .I miss my girls awhole lots and I havent seen them in 2 weeks , darn-ed it .

This is what I have been waiting for , you and me against all odds despite everything still together . The way you manage to make me laugh till my tummy ache and how I feel as though ur naggy like my mummy , irratatg like my sister , support me like my daddy and love me like my partner . Yur are everything at once , you're the best I swear . God , so mushy , hee .
Why is everyone throwing their love away ? If you truly believe in it , fight for it till your dry and broken . Fight for the feeling that you both started with that burning flame , the way he brings you high up , make you smile . & somehow eventhough there 1000 plus people in your contacts you somehow just want him . Fight for what you truly believe in , cause it's never the end till you say so .

2010-02-19T22:47:00.003+08:00

When is too much finally too much ? Doesn't mean I don't say anything it's okay . I'm trying to make it seem as though it's ok
honestly ask yourself , you seriously think that what your doing is right ? Honestly .I'm trying to accept you as you are but it's seems as though it's getting worse . This isn't the first time , baby you have a choice .

On a brighter note , I shall fill you guys with what I have been doing , heh . So a few days back I met baby after and we roamed somerset at 4 am , weeee . Super cold buy fun , & we brought with us so much food but there were only the two of us .
Heh . Workkkk has been super tiring honestly till my legs ache . & I just went out with Ama ,Nadrah and khai after work so I'm beattttt . Shall blog really soon .

2010-02-15T15:27:00.005+08:00

Im sorry for not updating regularly . Myabe I'm just lazy , heh . Anyways , yesterday was greattttttt :)))))
Four major events , Ina's bday , Chinese new year , Me & Baby's anni , and of course V-day .

Went to Ina's bday , was supposed to be there at 11 but due to liana we met at 12 , she was late . heh . For the first time Ama was there first one there !Went to Ina's house and eat played , slacked until I dint want to leave . & I was later for workkkkkk .

Seriously , especially since yesterday I ran this place called Preview Lounge (PL) for short . I was alone , and seriously spooked , so I started calling and texting people to come over , first baby then zuzu and some others . Baby came after awhile , but by then I was occupied by these 4 guys which I got no idea what their names were except that they worked there too . We re-make our version of american idol and america's got talent super hilarious . HEH , instead of doing my job I was busy laughing , super hilarious . Baby became the judge with the guys while I became the host . FUNNNNNN .

Then baby went home and the guys went to catch their movie and zuzu turn up , she was getting drunk on my bar on root beer , xD
With extra ice-cream due to me , heh . So we chatted and shared thoughts and feelgs , though me and baby dint manage to celebrate v-day cum our anni properly , I had fun yesterday .
The guys returned form their movie and stayed till I closed the place . PHEWWWW*
So , basically Im having the time of my life these days . My tears has long dried up and I take extra precaution not to fall into that again . As you can see , Im rarely online , that;s one of my tactic .

SO lastly , HAPPPY BDAEEEEE INAAAA !I missed you so much . Luckily I got to see you yesterdayyy .
& to baby , happy anniversaryyyyyy cum v-day , we stood the test of time , it's time we let go of the past scars and embrace the future , just you & me .

2010-02-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

I'M SO TIREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD .

Im sorry for not being born with a silver spoon in my mouth , I'm sorry that I have to work for my cash , but I'm trying my very hardest to be able to provide for you whenever I can . Even when Im off I'd book for another job to provide for you , cause I want you to run to me whenever you have problems , cause whatever problems that you have it's becomes my problem too . To see you stressed up that way it hurts me too , I do care . I do care , maybe somewhere along the way I forgot how to show you that .
I know that I hurt to too much , esp since what I've told you last night . But one day isnt enough to mend all that I did . I do love you , I wouldnt bother about you like what Im doing now if I dont .
Im sorry that Im never good enough for anyone but most importantly for you .

GAHHHHHHS*

please if you guys are free come to Ina's birthday party on the 14th kay :)

2010-02-03T14:35:00.002+08:00

OMGAHHHHHHHHHH .
Heyo ! I dint want to blog today , but Im so embarrassed that I to blog .
I was on the phone the whole night , and only sleep after 7 and then daddy ask me to go shop to draw cash . So I was like " Ahhh , no need bathe lar , who's going to see me ?" But when I reached Vista Point , I bumped into Vinay . With messy hair pilled onto my head , a tshirt with chocolate stain in front . GAHHHS* He got into SP , but now he wants to change course . Haahs , havent seen him in a long time brings back memories of him singing Cookie Jar to me , heh .

I feel so close to you , esp since last night . It was as though we are giving this r/s everything we have . Last chance , I wont screw it for anything this time . I love you .

2010-02-02T23:02:00.003+08:00

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY ROK-A-BABY ! happpp-y birthday to you , finally you hit the big 2-0 . Heh , Im sorry that I cant celebrate your birthday with you , 'screws face' whatever it is I hope that you'd have a wonderful day ahead filled with joy and laughter . I miss you , and I cant wait to see you . May all your hopes , wishes and dreams come true on this very special day. Once again , happy birthday . 'smiles'

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Went out with JiaHui just now , we ate at Pizza Hut and we were like the nosiest there eventho it's juts the two of us . Heh , the waiter thought we were lesbians , god .
Waiter :"Here's your baked beef balls and ermmm ... can I ask , are you guys lesbians ? Cause if you are my freind 'points at the freind' wants to get her number , 'looks at me' "
Me& Jiahui : 'looks at each other' 'started laughing'
Me : " Erm , Im sorry . I'm so madly in love with this girl here , I cant let her suffer a heartbreak by giving her 'looks at that butch' my number "
I SWEAR I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING & Jia Hui keep saying that Im so evil . YEAAAAAA RIGHTT , walked walked around like two mad people then went home cause I had to meet mummy .

The day before I had to go to this clinic called SATA for my medical checkup , Desiree is sucha dear and she followed me . As much as I love being a nurse , I cant have people drawing blood from me , it's just a phobia I have . I held my breathe as they did a series of checkups on me like xtrays , vision and hearing tests and then came the most dreaded part , darn-ed it . I couldnt bear to look so I told the nurse that I'd usually faint if I had to draw blood & SHE DID IT SO SLOW ! Till I felt the cold hard needle pricked into my skin and slid off the chair and the nurse and to hold me and sit me up straight , and she gave me a sweet . Hah , I feel like a small kiddy :) She made sure I was okay before she released me , headed to RP and watch Desiree practice . By that time my arm hurt like a hell lot and when I went home the vein was swollen and it was blue black . I couldnt bend it and I kept crying till my mum came home and held a warm cloth on my arm till I felt asleep . Now it aches again . Screw ittttttt .

I was thinkg bout baby the whole day , darn-ed it . I miss going out with you , slinging my arm around yurs and pulling you into the shops at fast speed eager to get in and look around . Debating with you whose going to get the item first since we always always somehow like the same things .Talking to you till the sun goes up about anything that comes to yur mind . & When ur sleepy you always say " Saye ?" and head back to sleep . I miss falling asleep next to you . I miss giving you massages and your budakkecik handwritting . I miss the way you smell early in the morng , I miss the way you walk with yur eyes on me as though we are sharing thoughts with each other . I miss you saying "takmo emo-mo-mo " , just to simplify this , I miss you .

I Can Be Your Wings If You Let Me Try , I'll Teach You To Fly .

2010-01-29T10:19:00.004+08:00

I think yesterday had to be the worst day of 2010 . GAHHSS * I was running to meet Liana and Mizah and I had to take an escalator up , since my pants was long I tripped on in and fell on the escalator , my leg hit the sharp parts of the escalator causing a bruise and two red dots to appear , god it hurts so much . Then return to the Polo club , Farhan was frantically trying to reach me texting me and calling me , but my stupid battery died . So I ran into the Polo club , huffing and puffing and nearly knocked into Farhan . Sorry ! Haahs , I liked the view there eventho I was sweating through my uniform the whole time . The horses , the breeze . BUT , raffles is better .I went home before Farhan did , so I was walkg out the polo club when suddenly the trees all looked so eerie that I started running and trippped and I sprained my ankkle . 'screws face' GAHHS * Worked with Nadrah at this restaurant , she keeps calling me KAK ! , 'grins' aiyerr . We talked like really talked about everything , I guess i owed her some explanations . Heh , anyways we worked with Louise , and she was so mad when Louise tugged on a lose hair and put it behind my ear . I dint even know it was going to happen ! Louise told me never to go to clubs or anywhere that has people , music and GUYS . Cause guys only got only one thing in their mind , widen their social circle and also to find a fling . Well thanks alot Louise , tell that to Nadrah who's burning when she saw us talking . Hahh .

& I'm not sure why I'm hooked to the weirdest things these days , and no , I shall not name a few .
I went out with Zuzu , Liana & Mizah a few days back , it was certainly unplanned . We were all free at that point of time , and decided to go outttt . We made two stupid videos of us , in which both I was of no help at all cause I forgot all the lyrics . Haahs . Was supposed to go out with baby , but then my batt died . 'screws face'

& I saw you , sillybilly . I saw you , standing there with yur friends . I know you saw me , cause you turn 360 around and hid behind yur friend . I only notice you after I saw someone's face which looks so familiar and it struck me that he was in yur dance crew .

Baby's sick , get well soon ):

2010-01-26T12:27:00.002+08:00

My dear sissy wants to drop art , she says the teacher keeps pushg her and out of 18 skecthes the teacher only took 3 . I smiled , I remember going through the exact same thing , constantly thinking about art . Always submerging myself in art , I remember ama saying this to me once , "Nak pergi makan lepas sekolah ? " Then I gave her a face , & she went "Ohhh , uh-uh ey , kau ader art , 'grins' " Pantat tul .
Haahs ,I remember hating being in the room . The sight of it makes me nauseous , adn i frequently get headaches . There's this guy I knew who bites his hand everytime he get migraines in art lesson till there was like this big ice-cream of pulled skin on his hand . 'sighs' I get very emotional esp if it's family matters , so I'm not brave enough to say this upfront to you syida , but you should hold on . Trust me , this is only the beginning . I cant help u , cause if I do , you'd depend on me and you'd never learn . You can , and you will .

Annyyyyyyways , Im hooked ! On Mcsundae and Mcflurry . GODDD , people have their coffee and I have my guilty pleasures which consists of icecream and chocolate . I dont know why , but when I eat it I'll be in a sing song mood the whole day . Well nearly the whole day , I need another intake of it at night . HEHHH . Whatttt , I know i cant eat it evryday , but welll . It keeps me happy , I drown my feelings in food , and you cant stop me .People say Im shrinking , what the hell . I'm notttt , its just that you guys are growg taller and I'll still be short . GAHHS*

Im beating myself up for all that Im feeling for . Fair ?

2010-01-25T20:48:00.002+08:00

Today went by very fast didn't it ? Like seriously , was working and usually I'd check the time , counting the minutes until I finish work , but today it was seriously fast . Maybe beacause I was busy talkg to Laila the whole time , heh . So after work hung out awhile & after so long i finally got to see them . I wonderrr ..
I hate being at home , especially if my Daddy and that stupid guy is around . It seems that when people get older they have frequent moodswings , esp my Daddy and it's so annoying . That's the reason Im nearly always out , GAHHS*
Was on the phone with baby last night and I was walkg around the house , when I noticed that stupid guy threw syida's art stuff on the floor , when he's stupid stuff is all over the table . How is this fair ? I wished he would just f shift and get his own f house . Seriously , his impossible to live with , cause he's just like a ticking bomb, which would blow at any moment . AHHHH , screw you .

So tell me baby , you asked why I so 'perangai' I want you to ask why first , you already know the answer . So why ask me again .

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

14th febuary marks 3 special occasions , Ina's 18th birthday , Valentine's day , & our 21th month anni .

Cause yur the reason I told myself never to love again (bunny)

2010-01-25T00:48:00.003+08:00

I dont know if you cry yourself to sleep hugging yourself so tightly so that somehow it feels as though u're not alone . I wished that u'd spill your pride on the floor , and come to me unguarded , unprepared , unarmed . & just end this all by telling me how u feel . Maybe , you are feelg the same way i am , but u're handling it so much better than i am right now . This sorry state is just going to ruin me further , what am I doing .

AHHHHH , so I met the most beautiful person i have seen ( yes , beautiful ) , he came up to me with the most perfect flawless features u'd ever seen . Straight white teeth , tamed gel-ed up hair . Sharp pointed nose and a not to tan skin , but when he ask me for a size he said it in the most womanly voice I've heard , I think I took a step backward , cause he/she was reaching out for me . haahs , HE was a SHE .

2010-01-22T13:21:00.003+08:00

FIRSTLY , YOU DONT KNOW ME . Secondly you dont freaking know me . Thirdly , you cant even come close to knowg me . Im not going to let you near , there's no way you can find me after the 7th .

whatttttt is your problem ? If seriously you got sometg to say , why dont you come say it to my face .

2010-01-22T12:35:00.002+08:00

Im seriously cold . Like.really.cold. It's been raining the whole morng , I woke up to the sound of thunders near my bedroom window & I'm really scared of thunders . They are so powerful and menacing . Baby is taking care of a baby , hah . Welllll , I'm like the guy now , supporting my family . I'm workg myself like crazy , just because it kills to have free time and think about you .

Anyways , on top of workg nearly everyday . Im finding another job , a job that requires me to work in the morng . Like really early morng , 4 plus in the morng . Hah , I found it , but i shall not tell you what it is though . Nyeh . This is my crazy plan , work like crazy frm morng till night if possible , then when I reach home I'd be so tired I'll just sleep .yesyyyyyesssss , awesome plan . 'grins'

Juggling 2 jobs at the moment isnt fun at all . I wonder how three feels like ? Anyhoots , was in the train last night heading home , there's this guy . He was sitting down with a bag which looks like he can store three people in it , it stopped at ang mo kio and there's this senior citizen who boarded the train , he looked around at all the filled seats . No one would give up their seats for him , ( I would have but I was standg ) , when that guy with the big bag gave his seat t old man ... It impacted me somehow , cause after he did , a few people gave their seats to those that are more deserving . We seriously need more people like that in singapore , instead of those aunties which rush into the train forgetting that there are people yet to alight the train , creatg a huge mess up . These aunties ....

Im doing this for you , I can choose not to . But I am , the least you could do is text me . Would one text kill you , suffocate you ? I dont think so , I know u're busy with baby . But as busy as Im , I always make time for you . Do you ? Have you tried , doing something nice for me for a change ? Remember what I said yesterday ? Just dont make me regret this , I seriously dont know how to get through to you anymore . I dont tell you how I feel , or what Im thinkg anymore , dont you notice at all ? You dont , you never did .

you make it so hard for me to fall asleep , cause i'd see you everytime i close my eyes ...

2010-01-21T16:46:00.002+08:00

I remember the days we spent together were not enough ,

And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up ,

Never thought not having you here now , would hurt so much .

Tonight I've fallen and I cant get up ,

I need your loving to come and pick me up

And every night I miss you , I can just look up and know that the stars are holding you tonight .

2010-01-21T00:47:00.002+08:00

& as much as im trying not to think , i am .

AHHHHHHHH , HI ALIENHEADDS . I'm hyper at 12.53 am in the morng are you ? hah . Sick , Im doing all the opposites of what Im supposed to do right now . While everyone is busy trying to find a job , I threw mine away . Im not irrational , but seriously the manager is screwupracistpieceof&^%# . Imagine , most of the people there are like from Msia , and they are chinese , Im ok with that , really , I mix really well with them . But imagine with them she lets them off easy , anc she comes down hard on you . One time nehmind , two times I'd swallow in . 3rd time byebye birdie . HAH , I think I scolded her ? And told her I wanted to resign which she Dint let me to do in the first place . Then I say I'll work till end of the month then I'll quit . But she havent let me sign the paper , wth . She thens starts complaining in chinese to the rest , as if i dont freaking understand that yur rambling abt me . I watch enough chinese dramas okkkkkk .

GAHHS* what a sucky weeeekkk . One shot after another , Im literally unstable . Desiree and Zuzu has been my best antidote to sadness . I stilll thinkkkkkkkkk though , Im trying to be reallly strong this time . Yur words was already enough to kill me .

U're backkkkkk , BUT . 'sighs' I dont really know how to come through to you anymore . Seriously , nothing I say has an impact on you . You sure as hell know what ure doing is wrong , and I hate it . Dont , please dont go back t yur old ways . I havent seen the way u were last time , but I have heard horrible things abt you . & you know what ? I always have to give this pained look when i tell my customers that the piece they want got no size left or no more left , but I wonder what kind of face Im going to give you when I tell you this . 'sighs'

you.got.no.idea.how.hard.im.trying.to.be.brave.about.this.im.tryg.my.very.best.to.swallow.this.as.calmly.

as.i.can.

Went out with desiree , headed to town . Someone wnated t sent me home but in the end forget that , he/she is workg . Save yur sweet talk kay ? Not interested . Desiree had to put her GULP in my beg , and then we boarded the train . We were laughg so hard with ras , when a lady next to me tapped my shoulder and say , " Becareful someone spilled a drink , ( points to the floor) "

Me : "AWW , thankyou so muchhhh !"

(turns to desiree and looks at her pink boots)

Me: Desiree lift up yur legs frm the mrt floor someone spilled sometg .

then sometg just clicked in my hed . SHITTTXZXZX .

desiree's drink , the whole cup was emptied in my beg . 'sighs' She then treat me to donuts to cheer me up , but we spent half and hour in the toilet drying my things with the hand dryer .

No words can express my gratitude towards you desiree , never fail to cheer me up . Im dying inside , stillll ....

My eyes are cramp frm staring at this screen , Desiree aksed me why have a diary when u have msn and blogger . Well , sometimes things are better written down , and kept away frm all the other people readg it .

2010-01-17T00:20:00.002+08:00

hey ho let's go .
im sleepy and when i yawn tears fall , but the image is still etched clearly in my head . Went to the shop for awhile just now , this is the second time i saw this . There was cat on the side of the road , my first instinct was to go up to it and stroke it . I love pets you see , but it's mouth area was bleeding and the there was shit near the tail area & it was gasping for breath . Panic , I called out , to people around me . Luckly , The road was near a car park and my neighbour heard me callg out , He immediately took the poor cat to the vet . Im not sure if it's going to make it though , 'sighs'
Like that time when I was pri 3 , I had two kittens . My very first , Fluffy and Kitty . I was feeding them , holding Fluffy in my arms . While Kitty ran around , never did it cross my mind at that point of time that Kittty would run through the hole near the lift and fell to her death . I was crying my eyes out afterwards , Fluffy somehow knew something was wrong cause it suddenly felt limp in my arms . It just stayed still , it killed me .

u freaking told me on the morng yur going . darn-ed it , so far away .

2010-01-15T21:39:00.004+08:00

I'd prove to you it's not impossible , HEEEEELLLLLO . Anyhoots , im seriously beat . This whole week I have been shuffling through poly's & going through applications . Im blue-black & it's all yur fault , heh . So basically this week , I dint work the whole week cause i was a mess . My mind was everywhere . So im only workg tomorrow , but I still dont feel like going . 'screws face'

Went to RP with Liana , to meet desiree . She's serioulsy amazed with Desiree's pink boots and their dancing . She was like in awe and her mouth hung open , heh . Okaaayyy dont kill me . 'grins'

Spend most of these week with baby , Going to place and watchg her sleep was the best . But eventually I feel like sleepg too and end up sleepg next to her . Two pretty shitty things happened t me this week , shall not elaborate both of them . I'll shall just say , I hate people when they are drunk . They dont realise what is happening around them & I become the victim .

I want t watch the Fringe and then head t bed , seriously shag . Thankyou for everyone that had me , and said I'll pull through . Naming a few , DESIREEEE MARIEE CHELLLIAAAHH . :))))) I Love you sia , seriously . Eventho my face look like shit and I was crying infront of everyone at causeway you still manage to make me that there's a silver lining beneath this cloud . FALINA & YUSIEEEEE ! Eventho i feel like shit for not being there for you , after all this years . YOu guys still have my back , 'sighs' my two big sisters that i can always run to when the whole world turns ugly . SHIRINNNNNNNN , for constantly making me think on my feet , arguing with me . You are forever trying to make me tough when im sucha weakling , 'grins'

ZUZUUZUUUUUUU , giving me a pep talk about the pro & cons . It isnt so bad afterall aye ? I miss you sia . LIAAANNNNNNAAA , bringing me to the poly's and making me as though im not alone , pulling me through . Last but not least , SABBBBBBBB , Im sorry I dont reply yur text and pick up yur calls , I wasnt in the mood . Thanks fr taking the trouble to call me and making sure i was alright .

You guys are the besttttttttttt .

2010-01-09T23:21:00.002+08:00

My hand is burning for no apparent reason , weird . So here I am dead tired , at least we were at the same place at the same time . Eventho it was only for awhile , it was worth while . U made yourself clear , so I'll respect that . So this guy went up t me , "Hi ermm , I've been watchg you . Can I have yur number ? " I went like , " I'm sorry my boyf is performg and yur interrupting "

He then mumbled about going t the toilet and left , and I think I laughed . Cause not like I did have a boyf performg tho . Heh , couldn't remember . He's weird , been seeing him everywhere .

Wasnt in the mood afterwards , so headed t bugis . Desiree badly wanted me to go with her to get her boots . So I followed , it was PINK ! Striking , like omgahh . But nice tho , she's bold . Im not . Bumped into Syafiq and Hairul , Syafiq squeezed past me . And I went , "Who's that guy ? Anyhow only he .. 'screws face' " Then he turned back , and I was like wow . He looked so different . Like chinese , seriously .

Picked up the boots , in a shop which is not bigger than my balcony . So that's like really small , and everybody was like body to body . Nehh , headed back home in the train , and it was super packed . So when I got in there was like two banglas at the side , and one bangla infront of me . His hand was really close at my below , so i moved to the right . And then when I did his hand was at my below at like rubbing or what at it . FUCK SIA . I pushed his hand away and called out to desiree , I wanted to cry . So many times this week I got touched by stupid banglas . So fuckup , really . I'm like seriously traumatised , everytime I see banglas I'd roll my eyes . Ever since young , I always got stares from them , but now it has gotten worse . How I wished that I had someone who would beat that fucker fr me .

AHHHHHH .

anyways , had LJS just now . Couldnt finish it ,

i miss you finishing up my food fr me .

Seriously dont know what's up with you , you say I dont care . When I do , I care . You say Im a useless girlfreind . I dont get you , I never stop you from doing anytg you want . I know that you know yur limits , I dont mind you controlling me , if i headed out everyday . But yur unreasonable when u asked me to stay at home , and i did . You dont even call me or text me when Im at home . & you ask me to stay at home . 'sighs' what are you tryg to imply , tthis is for my own good how . Give reasons fr yur actions .

2010-01-07T23:01:00.004+08:00

So I headed out to meet Desiree and Zuzu , I was supposed to pick up Desiree from school . But I was late , heh . So met her and her freind at BNS instead . Her freind is seriously chatty , in a good way . See , I'm not as bad as you thought I would be right ? I dont even know yur name , well Desiree did introduce us , but she was so brief with her introduction that I dint catch what she said . So they were talking about their crew , and I had a little flash back of Me and Desiree in dance club . Heh , I cant believe that her classmates are like shocked when they found out she was a dancer . She looks like one rightttt ? Or maybe I already know her as one so long back either which she still looks like one , 'grins'

Headed to Novena , met zuzu . It was so heart-breaking . So many things I wanted to buy , GAHHS * We were like in the shop for like 20 minutes only when Desiree started to grumble that the shop smelled like Kfc and she insisted that we must have Kfc for lunch , even after i said no more fast food . Aiyer, well she won and we had Kfc , over lunch cum dinner , we talked , like seriously talked . After so long , I really needed that . Managed to connect with her , told her everything . From why I'm drawing back eventho I hate it and all , yea . I do think alot about ....

I cant belive I just got my pay yet I'm already broke . What the hoot , stupid handphone billlllllll .

Changing my number soon , maybe it's for the better ? It would help right ? All these maybe's in my head , why wouldnt they change to answers .

You said you were constantly stepping back and fouth , now I know how it feels , cause I'm doing the same . & pleaseeeee try and understand i hate what yur doing right now .

2010-01-07T01:03:00.004+08:00

I look stoned 'grins' But im effing mad , so decided to blog it out .
It's like 1.05am , dont ask me why I'm not asleep , seriously missing someone . (hint hint , bunny ) . I knowww , shutup seriously . So I work just now , after so long working alongside with the bunch , today I was alone . Well it suited me alright , cause it means that I do not have to engage in conversations then pretend to laugh and smile . So the mood suited me really well , futhermore was doing stockingup , and maybe , I teared a little in the storeroom . 'covers face'
I'm not sure why Im not really feeling my besttt even mummy can see it . She trys to get me to eat by cooking my favourite dishes but I just cant bring myself to it . 'smiles'
I know rightt , first time . Usually i'd warmed up to good food , but lately I just dont feel like it .
Side-tracking again , heh . So work , was in the storeroom like 3/4 of the time I was there & fie was talking to me , he was sayg like he's going back to the philipines in April . Guess he'd be the last one t leave there , all of us are going soon enough . It sucked , cause there wasntTaufiq was there to keep on disturbing me sayg "It's ok.." in my slang . Rusydy to talk crap with me , Jia hui for
me to bully , heh . & Ama , to hear me . Kevin tried to cheer me up with peanut biscuits , I said try cause I merely just smile to him nodding mouthg the words "thankyou" to him . Aiyer , im just .... forget it .

Went home with Mama and Laila , they were talkg about opening a business venture while I was lost in my own train of thoughts . & I was holdg the railing to stablise myself , when suddenly i felt a warm hand on top of mine . I pulled my hand downwards , after a few seconds the hand was there again . Frustrated i turn to look who was it , guess who , BANGLA SIA . Disgusted , i jerked my hand off the railing and folded my arms across my chest . That f bangla just give me a " I-so-did-not-hold-your-hand-even-if-i-did-u-cant-do-anytg" kinda look . Screw him laa , screw all f banglas . Frustrated i cried , haahs . Stupid , i know . But i dint have the guts to slap him . AHHHHHHH , but i had enough of banglas laa serious , even at darlg's work place constantly get stares frm banglas , what is their problem . Lack of girls in their country , huh .

You still have been constantly running through my mind without fail , It's been so long that I have been in yur arms that I forgotten how it feels , 'sighs' Why isnt it getting easier ? Guess that's not how this works . Im headg out with zuzu and desiree tmrw ! Finally , smiles and laughter , hopefully . I miss those two like crapp , pickg up desiree frm school then off t meet zuzu .

....im using my heart this time . They just can't figure out what to do . I just want you to be happy .

2010-01-05T14:09:00.001+08:00

i guess that is how love works ,

being at the wrong place at the wrong time .

2010-01-03T14:29:00.002+08:00

Amazing how this has affected me & i suddenly want to hear sometg even stronger and louder and more meaningful . It's been so long since i heard this kind of songs , yet it still seems to having the calming effect on me after all this time . Im using my earpiece cus with all these screamg in the songs it would prolly cause someone to ask me to turn it off .

Is this too much ? Im going back t my old ways , my old days . Opening up too many old scars , one by one the scars drip with memories that i tried so hard to push away . It's all coming back , again . I took so long to move on from that phase , and now im going through it again .
I should stop being selfish , cause ur happiness doesnt lie with me . All i ever wanted was to see you happy , and once again , im not it . I know that you'd let me be , cause you always do .
I'm in an emotional turmoil , that i cant even put into one word to describe how i feel .
i screwd up big time , im going away , cause i knew this is what u wanted . Takecare .

2010-01-03T14:18:00.000+08:00

2010-01-03T14:14:00.001+08:00

2010-01-02T20:41:00.001+08:00

2010-01-02T20:17:00.001+08:00

be the air beneath my wings .

2010-01-01T23:52:00.002+08:00

Can i still wish everyone happy new year ? Eventho it's like 12.04 when im tpying this ? 'smiles weakly' Anyhoots , Happy New Year all . To me , this year did not start off very well . Firstly , due to the freaking 70% sale we were having we close the shop like around 11.45 and it's only like 15 mints till countdown . Called someone but that someone ruined my mood for the night . So since my darlg Jia Hui wanted so much to see the countdown at Khatib , we train there but wasnt in time to head to the place . So we counted down to the New Year on the mrt platform facing the countdwn event at Khatib . Hugged each other and headed t Woodlands , bumped into my cousins , darn-ed i miss them so much . Then bumped into Yanie , hugged her so tight i dint think that she could actually breathe , heh .
Headed back home , Hazhim went t sentosa already , my sister was like somewhere-i-do-not-know-where . Hisyam was getting dressed to head to pick Kak Ayumie , then head t St James then head to sentosa afterwards . They can laa , got bike . Aiyer .

I loved 2008 more then i loved 2009 , Sec 4 was the best year i had . 2009 , was a living hell . I had to painstakingly continue to live , despite all the crap that was happening . There were certainly more tears and fights and arguements than smiles . The tension was so overwhelming , it was enpowering and it took control of us . Startg of the year , keep on fightg with baby . Every single day , it was so sad it was eating me deep inside . It gradually got better , then came the stress for coursework . Stayg back in school even after every other living soul already went home . Juggling the piles of homework that teachers keep handing out t us , and coursework , studying . Then the stress of the exams nearing , was drawing closer and closer . It was crazy , i could barely find the time to feel . When our class did have free time we sleep , HAH . But it's true , nyeh . Classes ended so late around like 5 plus to 6 plus . By the time we reach home our brains were all fused out .
2010 also means we are getting our results really soon , ahhhhhhh .

just lost someone , close to my heart . though we dint meet much , you were always so sweet to me . i love you , i know that yur in a better place now , but you will always always be close to my heart and never forgotten .

Cause You Took Me In & You Believed .

2009-12-26T21:39:00.005+08:00

Heyo ,

Dint slept well last night and wake up early morning to follow baby to orchard to take her mummy's cream at taka . Expensive sia , $412 eyh ? I think so around there . Then we went seperate ways and i headed to work was nearly late , again . And after work , I did the most stupid thing imaginable , and I seriously would not repeat it . Aiyerr , feeling so worned out cause I dint sleep properly last night I was eager to get home . Sheeshh , so headed to the handicap's toilet to get change , and put my bag in the sink . I got change , then while i was doing my hair , I was like what's that sound , it sounds like running water . So i checked the sink , the tap was those that operate automatically when you put yur hand under the tap . So placing my bag there , it activated the water and my whole bag was filled with water . GAHHS*

I know , so dumb of me sia . Firstly I checked my phone , luckily none of the water got to it cause i put it in another compartment . But my poor mp3 was dunk in water , and it isnt workg anymore 'super sad face' birthday present frm my brother , and I only lasted with it for like one year plus ? 'sighs' my earpiece survived also , luckily sia .

but the rest of my stuff , like my makeup and perfume and shoes and clothes were all wet . Super unlucky , I then text Hazhim , bloody hell . He laughed at me what the hell right ? aiyer . I text baby , then she called me , kene scold sia . Heh .

Anyhoots reached home , & mummy started nagging . I so pissed with myself about my mp3 and she's adding on , didnt want to fight with her so I headed to my room and slept for awhile . & so here I am . My legs are giving way , and call me a sick ass but I feel like going back to school . Less stress , and I dont feel like shit everytime I wake up . Give me time , I'm trying to get up again , cause you once brought me so high up and then threw me all the way down . So with broken limbs and a faintly beating heart , I'm getting up .

2009-12-26T07:43:00.000+08:00

so many posts saved in drafts , maybe it's meant to be unspoken .

stung , sweet nothings .

2009-12-21T00:04:00.003+08:00

firstly im dead tired , but i cant bring myself to sleep .

so work was work ? seriously tiring , and im like slidinge everywhere , eversince the sales and late night shopping went on , there is a never ending stream of customers , which throw my neatly piled up clothes that i just fold into a mountain within split seconds . YEAAAA , it's that crazy back at our stall . There's hardly anytime t sit or drink a sip of water . endure syimaaaa .

today i'll let it out .

how u expect me to feel ? to jump for joy , and feel relieved ? i took all your words and i belived . i dint doubt you cause i trusted you , and see what you left me with . how i wish i could take it all back , all the silly "i love you's" you muttered , to you they mean nothing . you dont say to someone i love you unless you really really mean it , dont tell me you did . save it .

you said it yourself , that you were good with words hell yeah you were , so much that i belived , what a silly thing to do . if it's love , nothing would stop you from being with me , nothing .

you would cross boundaries , break through walls , just to be with me .

i dont think that you would understand what's love , it's sacrifice . im done tellg you what to do , caring for you when all i get it hurt . i should have seen the warning signs , listen to my baby .

you're exactly what she describe you as . god , seriously . after so long , i fall again , yet you just dont know how t treat me . after i finally opened up my heart to you after pushg you away , you leave me .

& guess who came t my rescue at 3 am in the morng crying for you ? i know you guessed it right . she came armed and heal me , i seriously cant belive that she'd would do that . now that's what i call love , it's understanding . she took me in at my worse even after i betrayed her , what do you have t say about that ? god , i love her . she listened , and understand .

i hope that you're happy now that you broke me , open up my heart , ripped a piece of it and ran away .

i told myself after my ex , i'd never cry for a guy ever again . but there you go breaking me .ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .

2009-12-12T21:28:00.001+08:00

I LIKE SUPERRRR PISSED RIGHT NOW .
thanks alot laa mummy and daddy , forever never changing .
keep your soothg words for someone who is listening , im done .

2009-12-12T19:58:00.002+08:00

i miss this girl rightt here . u asswipe , 'sighs'

wellllll , here goes .

Im bored & this probably could be the last day im free . Or well , have alot of free time in my hands . Sat down and think about alot of things .

Baby just called . It's ok if you dont want to show me , heh . I'll see you soon enough , i cant wait till monday . 'grins' I guess we both screwed up the first part , but i believe that we still huddle through this period of time , if you'd just take my hand . I'll show you that i'd never leave you . Time and time again , i ask myself , why do i love you . Yet , i still dont know how to answer that question , maybe it's the way you always know how i feel and think without saying it to me . Or maybe , it's the way you'd get me pissed for a stupid reason , and then somehow just a text from you would somehow melt me , and i'd forgive you . Maybe it's the way you'd made all these super cute faces on webcam that would make me laugh like a stupid person infront of the lappy . Maybe it's the way yur eyes sparkle when yur tired , that somehow makes me just wanna rub yur cheeck . 'smiles' ahhh , i could go on and on , but i know what you'd be thinkg rightt babyy , "mampos , stop it siaa , mushy " . nyehs .

ironically , somehow the ones that hurts you the most is still the one you choose to stay with , not bcus you're afaird to let go , but simply cause you love them too much already .

So , went to town just now , early morng . Met nadrah , for awhile then she parted off from me to meet her family for lunch . While i started to wander around orchard , ALONE , ama would be so proud of me 'grins' . When i bumped into her , i swear i dint even notice her coming towards me . Until she bumped into me so hard that my mp3 jerk out of my hand and onto the floor . Thankyou so much , like yay . So i looked up and look at her , and i went "shittttt...." . After so long trying to avoid her and cease all connections with her , there she is staring at me straight in the eye , smilling as though she just found a buried treasure . So i was like " errr , so sorry .. " then started walking really fast , but she followed me and pulled me by the hand jerking me backwars , violent ass . 'sighs' she wanted to talk , luckily desiree text , thank god . DESIREE MARIE CHELLIAH , I LOVE YOU SIA . so i said , " crapp , my mum just text-ed she's waiting for me at borders , i'll catch up with you soon kay ? you takecare ! 'gives a big fake smile and walks off ' " .. after so long , i put along with all the crap i did , i put her in the past . Sometg i never never wish to open and reminise back , me and baby had a huge fight bcus of her . I swear it wont happen again .

i love you baby , im headg to check out hazhim's new lappy and call baby .

2009-12-06T22:09:00.003+08:00

Dont lie and say it's ok . It's alright , there's nothing more to say . So im running away , im leaving this place . Dont tell me im the one to blame . It's too late for you to make me stay , no, i wont stay . And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place . And further than you can find me , Im leaving . Im leaving today , and i , i'll never let you find me . Im leaving you behind with the past .& No , i wont look back , i dont want to hear your reasons , i dont want you telling me why i should stay . Ant try to understand me , when i say i cant bear to stay .

2009-12-06T21:47:00.003+08:00

Im okay . Im okay . Im okay . Im okay . Im okay . Im okay . Im okay , maybe by repeating it a thousand times i would then mean it . I stayed home the whole day with "syabir" , the akwardness between us created friction which set off a few arguements , & yeaa i was scared to my bone but luckily nothing happen .

Was seriously drained from yesterday , eventhough the event wasnt very big . But there were alot of complications due to the burst of first timers on the scence , & so i was running everywhere , and was very very pissed when the stupid china guys just leave their soiled dishes on the tray and keep stacking them up till they are like mountain high . 'screws face' not only that , still can use phone during service , wth sia seriously . So , i a freaking girl had t carry the tray to the decoy , i kept telling myself i'd grow muscles to stop myself from scoldg them all the coarse language in my dictionary . haahs , but too bad one chee-NA guy got a preview of it , stupid sia , i carrying the tray already then he still has the cheeck to add more plates , instead of taking it from me and carrying it . arsehole .

Cause im still hanging on to another day to see what you'd throw my way , and im still hanging on to every single words you say . Im willing to change , but you just keep pushg me away again and again . How is it you're able to bring me so high up one day and all the way down the next day , i dont get you . Quit playing games with my heart , i dint know "with who" was a damn-ed diffcult question to answer . Ahhh , screw it .

2009-12-02T19:10:00.002+08:00

hey , the pict was like druing puase, but my blog is so dull without picts .

so was supposed t head to the gym with ama , and there was an ongoing debate between me & ama to go gym or swim . i wonnnn , hee .

anyways , went t baby's crib early in the morng after getting baby's text , dint do much just spend quality tiem with each other 'smiles' ate breakfeast since it's before 12 with baby and watch biggest loser , stubborn little baby dint sleep the whole nightt , so baby was like pretty sleppyyy , yayaydaa , thanks baby fr the treat . yur unique sense of thinkg always sets me to think about what you said in more depth .

i cant keep this inside of me , i just need t say it out loud . baby was so sweet , i playfully say i want t break then baby say "break to get married with you okayy!" haahs , sweettttt nahh . i had fun with you baby , i love you .

anyhoots , ama is meetg me like right nownownow , she's cumg , but where is she ? stuck smwhere i guess . hehhh .

2009-12-01T22:43:00.003+08:00

im back , 'grins like a physco'
im feelg asthough im about to cry any second , but im going to blog it out okay ?
so slept my aunty house for two days , cause my aunt and her husband and my nenek went t msia , so it's left with her kids only , so she invited us to stay overr .
the first nightt i ran back to my cousin house cause of this "guy" , stalker . 'screws face' then actually we had plans to movie marathon the night away , butt instead my cousin's irratatingly annoying low life sick in the head boyf had to disturb our peace . ugh .

was pissed out and decided to watch tv , laalal then sleep . the next day we headed for breakfeast at mac and rented cds for the night . i was so sleepy so i went back to catch up on some sleep , but when i was sleepg i was thinkg about baby till i fell down the sofa dreamg abt us . 'laughs' sicksick . frustrated , rang ama , she was at civic centre buying parking tickets ? haahs , met up and had lunch and found out sometg i dint need to know 'screws face' met baby for awhile then head home . was supposed t meet again later at night but , baby was sick so it's alright . talked on the phone with baby while watchg "coming soon" the thing was i wasnt to scared to watch and i was just lookg at the screen with my eyes close and talkg to baby , hehh . i had nightmares afterwards, darn the ghost .

thenn just now headed to yio chu kang to book fr dona her car pract and her stupidirratatggdfornothingarsehole boyf keep callg and i dealt with her once and fr all , safe t say i make them break ! yayyy , dona was like happy she was miling frm ear t ear sia . so long she want t break with that sucker .
then met my mum and my sissy while dona went tamp , so we had like bondg time bwtn the three of us , it was sweeetttt . 'smiles' i miss my mummy .
was too tired t head out with them fr dinner so i went home call baby , cause sometg sucky happen but i had to put down before i start cryg . then call ama , who asked me to call her back , 'sighs'

so here i am , making use of people isnt in my nature , so it's up to you really . darn-ed it , baby i need you real bad now , i miss you . come home real soon kay .

with love ,
syima .

2009-11-27T23:36:00.002+08:00

i dont fear the dark or thunders , at great heights i jump off smiling .
in the face of death , i wink . but when i look into your eyes im in fear of how much i love you .

2009-11-27T10:28:00.002+08:00

A . darlg , for the first time in my whole freindship with you i really saw you sobbed . So many times you saw me cry fr someone uncontrollaby , but this time i got the chance to see it . it moved me , and it goes to show how much you really care for that person . i know he loves you very much , please try to stay strong . you can come over if you like , i'd make sure i'll cheer u up till yur rollg on the floor laughg . cause i love you so dearly , and it hurts to see you hurtg that way . even i dont make you cry ... 'sighs' be strong my darlg .

ahhhh , yesterday was fun . went out with the apache group members , was supposed to be the 8 of us , then only 5 turned up . but anyhoots i had fun , we watched case 39 , i admit i screamed . haahs , but i tried coverg my mouth so i wouldnt , gaaahs . then went to eat but we couldnt decide between mac spicy and long john's fish . haahs , so we sat at mac until i dont feel like eat mac spicy , so we went to long john instead . bought and ate then slacked around and went orchard , to head ito ion then to borders where we tried this freakly oujia book . I SHALL NOT ELABORATE , haahs . we ask about our o's and ..... ahh shutup , so not true . then head to esplanade talk talk , and then head home , when sometg unfortunate happened , dadaaadaaa . i love you ama chillax .

love , im sorry bout last night . rember out date ? long sleeves and tied up hair ? i promise , take me there kay pleaseeee . i miss you already , 'sighs' i want go over yur place can ? eyy , but today hari rayer haji eyy , esok ? anyways know what love ? the most perfect day would be waking up to you next to me , bathe and get dress and then have breakfeast together while watchg movies in each other's arms , and when the sun sets , we would end up falling asleep in each others arms . damn-ed it , mushy .

2009-11-25T21:38:00.004+08:00

CONGRATS ZUZU ! finally got a job at cotton job , must give me discount when i shop there kay !

so today was err , hectic ? yeaaa , cause i had so many things to deal with , rang mizah and got dressed in the nick of time and met here , and i thought she was going t be late . somehoe , she's never late . darn-ed it .

go grab some stuff , and got sometg for the bday girl and headed home .

shall not say what i did , for people who know shushh kay ? please ? i'd bribe you with sweets if you dont telll , 'winks'

so , Nur Amalina Binte Ariffin ( i hope i got yur spellg rightt) HAPPY 17TH BDAY ! like finally , you're the last amoung all f7 , eventhough people say you are mature then me , ughh whatever . haahs . i love you to bits and pieces , and i can never never be without you , thankyou for always pullg me through my ups and downs and being there for me for 3 years . to me , you are more then just a freinds , you're like a little sister to me . & i know that you're not good with words , so when you see what i get you tmrw just give me a hug would you ? haahs .

i love you ama .

baby , where did you go , no text or calls from you , hmms . 'sighs'

2009-11-25T12:51:00.002+08:00

due to some unseen large bulging circumstances , i'll just say monday i had a blast , 'smiles sheepishly'

anyhoots , yesterday i went out again , it is really starting to wear me down , going out everyday . im like side tracking again , ermm so yeaa went home and saw my house gate was fully open , and the house was pitch black . slowly i stepped into the house as my eyes adjusted to the intensity of light in the house , only then did i make out a figure sitting on the sofa . my first instinct was to run , but i sloqly approach the sofa and pat the back of the person , darn-ed it my mum's voice made me jump sia . haahs , i thought she was possessed or sometg sittg in the dark , but when she stared nagging i know it was her .

'smiles' why she was sittg in the dark ? she throw hot water onto this lizard which hit the circuits thus blackout & and she say the lizard curse her , 'rolls eyes'

hazhim & me ask her to shussh while we investigate the damage , fortunately we got the lights on . but now we have to change the stove , haahs .

at first u made me extremely upset , cause it's so hard to see that you care , and when you do show it , it's just for awhile . but what you said has really opened my eyes , thankyou . i dont want that way , but i need yur guidance kay ? like you said , i'd change for myself and not for you , to be a better person . somehow , & u said that u love me , it was sometg i really wanted to hear for so long . so let's bring it back slowly , i love you .

2009-11-24T11:47:00.002+08:00

aye hoots , im like feelg down so decided to render my thoughts here .
firstly , i know that you feel unsecure and uncertain about my feelings for you , but rest your little head cause you know i do .
& i hate to see you creasg yur eyebrows and trying to pretend asthough you dont feel a thing , cause i know you do .
all i need from you , is love , care and attention . show it to me , i'll give you the same and even more . cause i need you so , if i were to say why i love you so this whole blog would be filled with mushy mushy things , haahs .

like u always say , takmu emo-momo , SMILE , cause im here with you , and i dont plan to leave anytime soon , have a little faith .

2009-11-21T01:51:00.008+08:00

two same picts but somehow only louisse eyes seems t had moved .

REDDDD CAMPP IS SO EFFING HOTTTTTT

and the apaches is the hottest tribe in town . haahs , i had a BLAST . especially during hot nighttt . made some really cool freinds that made red camp even more worth remberg .

went there with hashiena and ama , then we were grouped with louisse and this other girl , shoot i forget her name , but she was uper-freindly . we had to construct a sometg with a pingpong ball , it's to complex to explain , heh . anyways , our team won movie tickets ! yadaaaa . third day was certainly worth rememberg , it was so sad i wanted to bawl . darn-ed , we met the singapore idols and also had hot night which is like so called clubbg with no alcohol , haahs .

louisse did his thing on the dance floor with this 'face'while we dragged each other all over the place . see louisse , no point regretg now aye ! should had dance with me when u had the chance . 'laughs'

& he said i should take control of my 'date' for the nightt . haahs , if you're readg this dont kill me ! and take care of my pandaaaaaaa and thankyou for never leavg me alone when i was seperated frm my girls , u always had my back . & showg yur merajuk face when i say i dint need you , haahs . :) &&&& louisse lastly it wasnt my fault that i dint bring the movie tickets !

2009-11-12T23:22:00.002+08:00

o's are officially overrrrr ! i think that im like the last one to state that . haahs , well .
anyways , i just finish watchg my sister's keeper , due to the o's all the interestg movies had to be put on hold . well , i read the book at first , which made me cried like a baby . & amazingly the movie was superb . seriously you should watch it , it makes me want to go to syida and hug and kiss her smelly arse face . heh . it really shows you the lengths a parents would go to , just to keep you alive and kickg . heartwarmg story .

i was bold , i was courageous , and took the risk to love you but i'd rather be alone then to let my heart be abused by you , time and time again . im sick of it , but as much as i want to say that i dont care , i do . as much as i want to say that i dont love you anymore , i do . & the worst part is , i'd still want to relive every moment spent with you , eventho we are constantly fightg and disagreeing . face it , i got no idea why in the world im writing all these down when it still makes me feel like crap .

& who am i to say that you love me .

2009-10-17T17:28:00.002+08:00

it's like when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to tell you how much i love you cause whatever i say would somehow just piss you off further . & it's when i am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that i realize that you're the only one that really knew me at all . And it's when i cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much i'd give to hold you at that exact moment in time , and it's when i think about you and i realize that like catching lighting someone like you is difficult to lose , hard to forget and certainly worth remembering .

2009-10-04T18:41:00.004+08:00

i swear they were bullying me 'pouts' hehh .

if only liana was here eyh ? it would be complete .

exclusiveeeee stolen picts from sabs ! heeh , 'grins'

so firstly we were the most kecohrable group in sab's house , secondly i had so much fun i feel like puking ! haahs , in a good way .

so long since i met with them , since we all so busy with sch and work , it's refreshing to see them and just laugh like we used to . i miss you guys . 'smiles'

plus , im f stresssssssss . damn-ed it . killer o's over and done with pleaseee ? last night's phone call made me reflect , this isnt who i wanna be .

2009-09-19T10:01:00.006+08:00

this is henna , superb-ly nice rightttt .

baby im back :(

'smiles widely' i seriously think that ama is an extended part of my family alr ,she & khaikhai . heh , so last night i went to gay-lang again .it was so packed and suffocating , seriously , and i lost my mum and dad 4-5 times ? hahahs , then this gundu head ama text-ed me where am i and all . asswipe , i had t ask her 3 times who's car she was in , and she still dint answer . now then i figured that she was in khaikhai family carrr .. dangs . so then they folow me go get the kuih-kuih when we stumble across the kuih shop , with a effg hot guy with the most heartmeltg.kneewobblg. eyes u'd ever seen . ser-ious-ly . HAHA , okay enough . thennn , we cross the road t the other side , when i saw the same bapok that was in the train with me and hahzim last year , and he was like leang towrds hazhim and peering at his phone . & that bapok was like brushg his hair aside and smiling t himself , and when he walks into a crowd lookg gives way to him as if he has some contagious sickness . 'sighs' i feel for him .

thenn ,

walked walked , say bye t khaikhai , ama cabbed home with us .

i would like t wish everyone , a this certain somebody , selamat hari rayer , maaf zahir and batin . i hope , that whatevr wrong doing i did , or anytg that i have said withoutsecond thoughts that has hurt you , you would forgive me . 'smiles'

lastly,

you're like a miracle to me , but you're slippg from my grasp , slowly but surely .

thoughts they change and times they rearrange , i dont know who you are anymore , i'll just let it be , always will , and always have been lu .

2009-09-03T20:41:00.002+08:00

helllooo wellooowww dirty fellow .
yess love , u do make the good girls go BAD ! kayyy feelg down on my bdae !
gahss * welll , firstly thankyou for the presents and the all so sweet wishes . 'smiles widely with crooked teeth showg'

pleasee pleasee my girls try and make it tmrw , i miss u all :((((((
just berbuka puasa tgher in peace can ? shirin , rok , mai , ateenn go larrr . i wont force u all if cannot , heh .

i miss someone badly , cause last year she was the first to wish me and she sanggup bake for me . effg sweet , it's the thought that counts . kay i miss u , i wished it dint have to be this way . & thankyou for your goodluck .'smiles'

alahaiiii , i stil need to studyy , damn-ed . takecare everyone , smile cause u'll never know what is ahead , and t you , thankyou for eveyrtg , opening my eyes every single time . thankyou thankyou , spendg the day with me .
i'll never stop doing what i do best , lu .

2009-08-29T18:54:00.003+08:00

The way that I’m feeling is hard to describe . I feel lost and alone in this unbearable life .
My emotions are twisted, my stomach in knots . I wish there was something to erase my thoughts .
I feel so desperately clingy I feel so free of heart . If you could please just kiss me that would be a great place to start
I do not like the feeling of not knowing how you feel . I don’t like looking in your eyes and seeing all my fears .
I really feel so empty searching for the light . Maybe if you could please turn it on tonight .
My head is all clouded my eyes full of tears . I can hold on to this feeling for years
I hope that is passes, maybe merely a phase . I am ready to be out of this daze
I am going to try to fake my smile . Maybe that will last for a while .
If you think you see a smile on my face . Look a little deeper you’ll see I’m out of place
Maybe someday soon the sun will shine . Even through the pain i pray that you are always mine.

with much love ,
syima .

2009-08-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

my fingers are numb from hours of paper cutting , i wanna finish it so badly , but if i do it too quick i'd mess it up with my impatience .

slow and steady is the way to play the game people . haahs , kay enough .

actually , i feelg kinda sad ? dissapointed , in agony . hahh , i dont even have the perfect vocab for it .

i thought that by now i would have learnt , but still i made the same mistake again and again .

it's time i really open my eyes to see who's there for me and who isnt , guess what ? you're not part of it .

gahhs * enough about u and yur crap alreadyyy .

somehow you manage to kept me without chains , and hold me without a touch .

u wont believe when i say that i never wanted anything this much .

and as i live here on my knees , im trying to make you see that you're eveyhing i need .

my gravity .

maybe.someday.you.shall.see.i.want.you.here.with.me.

2009-08-11T21:09:00.002+08:00

lazy blogggg .

feel like shit .

burned my hand .

looks horrible .

my heart is aching for ...

so close yet so far at heart .

i want you .

2009-08-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

i dont wnat to lose you know , we shall get through this somehow .
i dont wnat to lose now or ever , cause baby you thought me how to stay .
so why are you runng away ?

we all make mistakes , we all lose our way .
we already stood the test of time , and that's the way it would stay .
i just wanted to show you .

2009-08-01T21:51:00.002+08:00

& i miss the crap we'd get into , the agony that we went thru .
most of all , i miss having fun with you , uno anyone ?

2009-08-01T00:21:00.002+08:00

there's still sometg in your eyes that blows me away,
i need to have a reason for me to believe why im still living yet so alone .
i cant sleep , i keep tossing and turng , somehow i cant put my mind to ease ,
and my heart is still so heavy .
im tryg to be there for people, but mine is still a living hell .
how it's all so unstable and unsure , i hate it . i hate doing this .

the rising tension in my house is horrible , it is as though this house is a ticking bomb , soon enough someone will bloww ...
'sighs deeply' and i feel so helpless , i wished i could talk to someone, screm it out ! but no one seems to be listeng , all so involved with their own matters and i dont wish to be one of their problems .

i make a mistake , screw it . i made a whole bunch of mistakes , but i admit to them im sayg sorry , what else can i do ? i can only pray that you'd look at me like how you used to , with those eyes of yours love . your fuse is runng short with me , i dont blame you . i only got myslef to blame .
screw it . ust know that , misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so darn deep .

2009-07-25T22:06:00.006+08:00

sch has been stresssgggggg ! i can totally feel the pressure now . HEH . wellll welll , ina darlg is going to fetch me from sch this mondayyyy , like yay . At least there's sometg to smile aboutttt , so shitxzzz has been happening , andddd this post is going to be full of emo stuff, so if it isnt your thingg , thennn byeeee .
kay , i dont really feel like blogging , but i'd give myself a freaking brain damage if i keep this saddness in me tight in a jarrr , i feel so bottled up . & it's true what my brother said, when the whole world goes wrong , it's yur family u run to .

here it goes ,
in this room of mine , time stand stilll .
hours and seconds ticked by , but yet it all seems so meaningless without you .
you said things change , it's me .
im getting really tired , and im hating all that i've known . i find it hard to say , while you find it hard to care .
it burns me deep inside , this silence betweens us is so loud till it's tormenting . but , they say good things dont last , when i badly wanted this to .

it's my fault.it's my fault.it's my fault. & i only got myself to blame , this sleepless nights turn into days while im still waiting for your return .
can u hear me ? im callg u , reachg out for you . yearng for you .
but you dont care , you cant see . i find it so hard to smile , im falling and it's such such a long way down . i wont live a lie , i miss you and it set hundred of torns into my heart seeing you .
what i'd give to hear to say my name again , this is so hard . what can i say , i love you and im sorry , i should have just told u how i felt .

this silence is leading me into never ending streams of tears , u cant even begin to understand how it hurts . you broke me .

2009-07-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

heyyooo , im sick of techonology so why you sit on top of me , 'laughs'

i havent been updating , and also posting pictures , so hereeee .

basically first week of sch was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E . stressg like crap , with coursework due .

i dont know to how many people i complain that coursework is dued . gagagss ,

everytime we fight we blow it out of porpotion , it's tiring , and honestly i cant seem to understand you , no matter how hard i try to accept you for who you are . it's becoming a rountine and it's so hard to get out off .

i know i shouldnt be brooding about this , and drag on . but serioulsy , i cant help it .

i want to sort out my thinkg this time .

& if you choose to hurt me , do it quickly .

get it over and done with .

2009-06-24T21:55:00.004+08:00

would give up everytg for one moment with you , for one moment is better than a lifetime of not knowing you .

sometimes i just wished i could see through your darn-ed head . dont to this to me , just let it go .

headed mizah's crib t bake this treats for our loved ones , i already immediately had like three people in my mind . thought it was going to take longer , but it took us less than 3 hours , fast ?
was so glad that i was abled to pass them the treats , but seems like they .. i dont know .
ughhh , shall stop freting .

p.s : quit playing games with my heart .

love,
crystal embers