This was taken on Sunday when I had my group meeting , I swear I'm sorry Desiree I wasn;t there to support you , you know that I would have come if I had the chance right ? Im sorry ,go on and call me a bitch , I deserve it .
I sad to say that only our appetizer made it , our Pink Ink Drink smelled and tasted like crap . Only Utt dared to try it and wanted somemore , sheesh . Heh , Our Apple Crunch burnt in the oven halfway , and our main course became a burger . We changed the recipe so much that it eventually became a burger .

Then today I was working but then halfway I experience pain at the side of my stomach it was so extreme that I couldn't even stand . I went into Concess to tell Hazel that I wanted to sit down but eventually fainted . Bahh* When I woke up I was sweating cold sweat and lying down the worst part was my body was aching . Mhedz wanted to sent me home but I declined his offer and took the cab money home myself .
Baby is so concerned but instead of thinkg about my pain , Im thinkg about her stress and how Im going to help her . As a result I neglect myself , but Its all for her so it's worth it .
Mummy , how I wished that you'd care more about me , how I wished you would'nt vent your anger on us when your actually mad at him , Daddy I how I hope you would'nt shout at Mummy bcus your are just as helpless as her , I wished that you would not blame her for every shit that he does . DADDY & MUMMY , how I wished you guys would open your eyes and see that he isn't worth fighting for . How I wished that I wouldnt have to fight with you all every single time I disagree that your always sacrificing everything for him , OUR FAMILY , YOUR JOBS , YOUR MONEY YOUR TIME . How I wished that he din't exist in our lives at all , how I wished that he wouldn't leave my mum crying for him every night for his mistakes . I wished he ceased to exist , I swear that our family would be so much happier . Why oh why god , why .. 'tears fall'
You bloody fuck , you dragged everyone in this shit with you , fucker . We do not want to get involve it's your shit . Now mummy and daddy is so stress up thinkg about you they are venting it on us , fucker . & I have to be woken up early in the morning only to hear you guys arguing and see a dozen of people in the living room with an expression that says they wished could fucking kill you . Fuck you for making my only childhood exprience a living hell , fuck you .

I need to be surrounded by people who loves me right now , like really . 'screws face' AMAAAAA WHERE ARE YOU ?
Cause I remember every word that you said , It keeps spinning around in my head and It doesn't matter what I try to do cause I'll keep forgetting to forget about you .
Every time you said that your daddy this , your grandma this , I'll just keep quiet . I hate the feeling of people resenting me , esp if it's your family . They are you family , do you know how important family is to me ? At the end of the day love , it is them that would provide for us , care for us put a shelter our our heads . Tell me baby , that it's going to be alright . Tell me that in due time they would forget , tell me baby despite everything you would always always try to make things better .



whyamifeelingsofuckingdownwhywhywhy?screwthis.
cause everything we've been through is everything about you .

Gosh , I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way . Why did you have to come running back ? Screw you ass . I miss the person that would call me kiddy and pat my head . Whenever I'm crossing the roads you never fail to hold me by the hand pull me along . I miss the person that would stare into my eyes making me feel that it's just us sitting at Pastamania and no one else . I miss the person who would pull my hand away from my mouth so that she could hear me scream in the theater . I miss the person whom I would fight with whenever it comes to paying something , eventually you always win . I miss the person who would bring me sight-seeing knowing it's my favorite thing to do , by the beach just to talk about anything , our fears , our goals . I miss the person that brought me to her house to get to know her family and freinds . I miss the person that would scold me , calm me down , care for me whenever however . I miss the person that would wake up for me in the middle of the night whenever I have a bad dream . I miss the person who felt asleep on the sofa with her mouth open . I miss the person that would fight with me about songs and who found it first . I miss the person that lend me her phone cause my battery was flat and i brought it home for 5 days . I miss the person that took me in her arms and took out her slipper to squash the roach . I miss the person who cried for me at Esplanade telling me not to go . I miss the person who cried in her work place toilet cause I was leaving . I miss the person that would text we seriously long text messages why I shouldn't go . I used to cry to you about so many things that I find it hard that I can't do the same now .

I miss you , I always wondered why did you have to fall in love with me instead of being my friend . We would have been great friends , I'm sorry I broke your heart but
I hope you understand that we will never be together . I understood you your fears , your wants your needs .

Hey , lovelies . Baby Kilah apparently isn't a baby anymore , she's so adorable seriously . She slept over my house for a day but I had to work , darn-ed . So I woke up early in the morning to play with her , I want her first language to be English but since she doesn't live with us she speaks more malay and when I speak to her in English she doesn't understand . 'sighs' I wished that I had more time with her , I told her " Kilahhh smile kilahh ..." Then she say , " mineeee " and that's when I snap the picture of her . But it's sad when she cries for her caregiver which she calls nenek instead of my mum . I know my mum tries hard to hide her sadness but I know her too well .
On the bright side , Mummy took just 4 days off to spend time with us and I'm glad to say that we have become closer , heh . Me like it alot , asked her to shop with me and all . I seriously love that we get to spend time with each other .


& today morning I went out of my house on a empty stomach and when I reach causeway I had a terrible headache . Very clever syima , heh . I mostly slacked and slept at home and irritated my Mum and painted Hazhim's nails pink !
Now , I'm waitg very patiently for my baby to get home , miss her very much already . I'm glad that we manage to work things out , esp you since you are very patient with me willing . But next time I hope that you won't go angry the whole day , Im sorry . Sometimes , when I say things , I don't really think about the consequences . I just want the best for you , cause you , deserve the best .
I love you .

These girls crack me up every single day , Zanna and Ayu fight to keep me sane & you know what Ayu din't vote me as monitress as she was afraid that I would'nt have time to spent with her with my duties and all . Sweet kan ? Adui , she's a year younger than me yet so mature . But no one has even come close to my girls ,i love them a hell lot eventhough I dont get to see them as much as I would like to these days .Ama , liana , zuzu, sab , ina , mizah i miss you guys . 'sighs'

Where can I turn when Im so uncertain , who can I talk to when you're not there ? Cause you said forever me and you . But you left .. & now I'm killing myself for all that I feel . I'm sorry , I just want you to stop your habit . How would you feel if I was the one doing it ? And you can't do anything except to just hope and pray that you'd change . If I get mad at you , you'll get mad at me and I dont want to fight , I dont want to fight with you cause i love you so . You're driving me insane , you're no longer the person I thought I knew . The person that would listen to what I have to say when I'm sad, saying "takmu emo-mo-mo" . Be sweet to me in all so secretive ways , do stupid stunts to see how much I care for you .I miss that , i miss you . Up till now , you still can't see how much you mean to me , do I ahve to take my heart out from my chest to show you that it beats your name ? Or the fact that you're the only reason I want to ever live at all . That I dont if you're wrong or right or you just murdered someone , but as long as you're with me I'm okay ?


fxck this feeling,iwanttohitmyselfrealllybadlynowimsorrybutiloveyou.

Choices , choices . Right or left ? Why is it that I always follow my heart instead of my head . See the shit that I've gotten myself into , we as a group shouldn't have lied in the first place , lied into making them believe that our playkit is nearly done . I have yet to see it for myself and the best part is that the deadline is drawing closer and I'm freaking out . It's my marks too you know , I can't have someone irresponsible running my chances . Am I being selfish ? Hardly , we can have fun as soon as everything is done . Why don't you guys get it ? Damnn , wished I was with Zanna's group , or Angie's . Friends are friends , I promise that I'll catch you if you fall but why are you letting me fall also ? GAHHS* I hate this .
I honestly believe that you have it inside of you , really . I know that you can speak , can do . Why don't you show it to the world instead of making it some hidden talent . I want this cert badly guys , really badly cause I wanna go poly . I wanna do well , I wanna be somebody .

I didn't know that ITE life could be so stressful , projects after projects . The worst part ? Our class is super competitive . REALLLLYYYY , no seeing their individual project and all . Secrecy they claim . Well , it seems like it's every man for himself aye ? But I'm sure my darlings would still help me .
On a brighter note , GSS IS HEREEEEEE . Finally baby and I are going shopping and spent some quality time together , seriously can't wait . Heh .

For the past 3 days I have been working back to back and like finall last night i feel sick , to make things worst . There's this woman puke on her lappy and herself , seeing it makes me wanna barf too but her loving husband rush to her side offering her water and tissues . How sweeet , 'smiles' Then I went to the toilet and put my wallet beside the sink but it felt in what I dint know is that there was "kahak" in it & I touched it . EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW , my wallet was covered in it , I immediately threw it away . Ama still can laugh at me , hmpf !

Surrounded with people around me and I still feel so alone , how is that possible ? I gave myself away and I got nothing left to lose but still so alone . I din't choose this or did I ? My heart is stuck and this feeling is breaking me up and I can't talk to you . Let alone see you , fish . This sucks , honestly .
Tell me how do I carry on without this heavy burden in my heart everyday and you're not even here so that I can watch over you , care for you . I pray for you every single day , even my mom does . How am I suppsoed to ask you to cheer up when it's nearly impossible to put a smile on my face anymore .

I pray/hope that everything would be alright .