Eventhough you're with me, it's feels so far away, still..I never
wanted any of this to be happening but it seems like I'm never good enough, I'm forever arguing with you.You're impossible to talk to these days.The longer we are together, the further away I feel I'm from you. This is such a long and painful fight.I din't give up on you, but I feel as though you already gave up on us. You'll never see cause I'll never show, this is killing me. I'm so tired but I can;t stop myself from thinking. I go to you when I need a break. When I'm feeling sad, but it's ssems like I can't do that anymore.

Tell me , if everything happens for a reason . What's the reason for me to feel this way ? If Allah created obstacles so we can overcome it , when will I see the light after being in the tunnel for so long . Im suffocating , I'm so weak . I want to cry , but what difference will it make ? Im pass telling people what's wrong when I know they cant help me . TALK TO MY PARENTS ? FOR FUCKS SAKE , they are so scared they would scream at me to shut up if he's mad . Fuck , I don't want to be this way anymore . This is my desperate cry for help , one last time , before removing everything about myself from this world . Thye say Allah don't give you something you can't handle , then why do people take their own lifes ? Why do they become insane ? After hurting so long , it seems like hurting is the only way to feel sane . I don't expect you to know how Im feeling , or find the right words to say . The least you could do is still be there even after I blown you off so many times . Not be mad at me just because I'm sarcastic . Guess I was wrong , no one can really understand me except for myself .

It's been sucha long time since I blogged . Well actually I just feel like it. I feel as though everything is slipping through my fingers, I want to let lose , but my girlf is the only person that is holding me back.You have no idea how bad things are in such a mess now days, I can only afford to tear up everytime , I wish to tell I do . I wish to let people know how bad I'm hurting , but then again , I'm just scared I'll tear and appear weak . 'sigh' I hate being in this place feeling so low , seriously , I'm not like this . Why did I chose to degrade myself this way. Rian tries her best I know she does , I don;t always acknowledge that fact , but I do realize and appreciate it . She just doesn't know it yet .
Why , why do I feel so lost & restless . It's as thugh everything is all over the place , well , in some way or another , it is .

I miss the girl that would once make other people's happiness her first priority . I've become so bitter , 'sighs' You showed me once , could you please show me once more ?

I want to start writing in a diary again , the way I used to years back . Filling my diaries with emo-sad crap embarrassing and awkward things that only one person can , other then me , can read . 'sighs' You know what , I really don;t feel like myself anymore . I don;t feel like doing anything most of the time , my time is always spend on work & sleeping and well spending time with rian . I no longer to Syima's stuff no more .

Do you know the nostalgic feeling when you hear a certain song or smell a certain a smell and it reminds you of someone ? Well I'm feeling that now . Maybe it's because I had that dream last night . after so long I cried for her again . Ugh , why do I constantly do this to myself . This song is bringing tears to my eyes , once again . Once again , Im crying for you . Once again , I still feel something , something strong enough to move me to tears again . Despite the fact that the truth is out , despite knowing that 3 years with you was all a lie . ALL A LIE , why do I feel this way fuck .

'sighs deeply' what happen to the love we thought we had ?

'sighs' arguing arguing is it a must ? It's getting tiring . Im tired . I'm tired . I'm tired .

It's Monday Monday nothings good on Mondayyyy , 'screws face' I'm so sleepy but yet I force myself to get out out bed and head to school , eventhough I was 5 minutes late . School is tough , 'sighs' All our assignments are pililing on before attachment , help ! I don't understand why they must add on IP , seriously . So as for now , we have dance/drama one of each has to be presented in 3 weeks time . Learning Corner which means like "Barber Shop/Bakers" that stuff to be set up in 3 weeks also . Screw my life , on top of it all there's one paper that we have to sit for . I know right , just one paper . but wait till you see how thick my book is , then you tell me if you start sweating due to stress like me .

Anyways , guess what my friends told me this story about the song sephia by sheila on 7 . Apparently the lyrics of the song was given by this guy ( a complete stranger to the band) , after they succesfully produced the song , they went back to find out to see how this person is doing . Only to find out that the guy passed away a few years back . Spooky ? I know right .

Ugh ! I nearly died from a heart attack thinking what went wrong with this girl , da biase buat aku panic kan cheebye . Heh , here not counted kay , I can display my vulgarities as I wish . She say something is killing her and I was like what , what happen & she went silent . Ccb , so I called and she adjusted her voice to make it seem asthough she's like crying and ask me to guess what's wrong , dumbdumb , luckily she burst out laughing saying she misses me . If not I wouldnt have known it was a joke ! pfft *


Sometimes I get so scared , nothing is permenant in this world . Change is the only thing that is constant . I'm so afaird of being too happy only to have it beng shortlived , 'sighs' But I keep on trying I'd never know .
Lastly wherever you are , whatever you're doing , I miss you .