Faith in humanity is not restored. Puck. The first thing I saw when I open the door, is his shit face. The biggest criminal is freaking at large here, how could they let him go. My god, 'sighs' I always ask myself why do all the mean people stay longer on this earth. Life is one puzzle I can never solve. This constant headaches are killing me, sometimes they are so strong that I need to freeze whatever I'm doing to try ease the pain.

I'm praying that this is nothing serious, because it could deter me from chasing my dreams in course that I want. As expected my parents can't give two flying fucks about what's going with me, they are too preoccupied, always. Guess maybe that's why I have always been putting myself first and caring for those that care for me too.

What new challenges, fights, arguments will we come up with since Im going into a new school. Whatever it is, I hope that we will face it with a understanding heart.
I'll miss this girls, definitely. I told Zana yesterday that I don't want to make any friends in ITE so I can't replace them, or rather, I don't want to replace them. Yea, I'm like that, forever stuck in the past. Afraid of change. For the first time in 7 years I'll be going into a school completely alone, no known friends in the school, just me and them. Guess I'll have to charge fully charge my phone every day, cause that will be the only thing to keep me close to sanity.

Anyhoots, mummy won't talk to me. She's pissed, I know. Daddy seems happier, I feel. Humanity is once again restored. HAHA, k no. I don't know what this might bring, but I'm praying it's the beginning of something peaceful for mummy and daddy. No more tears, frustration, dissapoinment, insyallah.

AS FOR ME, next week marks the start of a new beginning. The start into something, something that I finally love to do. Shall study hard and continue on to poly and make mummy and daddy proud of me. I shall take babysteps, I hope that everyone will be as understanding when I say that I can go out cause I need to study. Especially in the first term to set my gpa sky high. Ahhhh, I'm nervous and anxious at the same time,but it's a good feeling.

I feel relieve somehow, somehow. I still feel somehow guilty, but then again. He is incapable of change. I don't care what this might bring, but insyallah it's for the better. IM NOT STUPID FOR GOING INTO ITE AGAIN. At least I have plans for my future, unlike some people who doesn't know what to do with their dip cert after graduating. The fuck. I know alot of people have my back. So fuck it. Tumblr I conquer and I still need another blog. HEHEH.

You talk a gentleman.

The minahrepxzxz of afiq's wedding. K no, I'm very protective of all my cousins, and I don't know why throughout the time I was there, I couldn't bring myself to be happy for him at all. Not even for a split second. Why, I hate the girl's side bunch of minah's married to our side. I don't know why I tend to over think things, seriously. I then make vast decisions due to that over thinking. Which will eventually hurt the people around me, but I just don't know. I think Im better off alone, for now. New year , same shit different year. Same bullshit over and over again. OHHHH AND FOR NEWYEAR'S, know what my parents got me, they got me a big "We're are going to lose the house, we have to shift" wtf. Fucking spoil my mood, we fucking rented the room already where could all off daddy's money go to. Got a feeling I have to contribute to the fucking house when that fucker don't do shit. ALWAYS, tadaaaa same shit different year. It NEVER changes. So why even bother. fuck.

I have been staring at this page for around half an hour, thinking exactly what should I write. I;m sorry I did not mean to hurt my little girl, honestly. You know the feeling of someones new liking you? The excitement that someone else finds you attractive, you're gaining attention but after you surpass all that, what's left is the love, the actual love you have for your other half.

'sighs' Seeing Hazhim & Erwina part just like that, just over a small mistake makes me reflect. It's actually all the small things that affects you the most, cause it accumulates over time snow- balling into a whole shitload of crap. Hard to believe the fact that couples for as long as them 8 years can choose to just walk away from each other. It aches me seeing them like that, cause it reminds me of me & shirin somehow. Sharing everything with each other, tears over the phone. Screams of joy when we pass our N's and cried when we failed our O's. Telling that someone every single detail, finding out dislikes/likes and whatnot. Eventually with them it becomes a routine, difficult to break, like an old habit. How does one decide to part from someone with so much memories and not shed a single tear. You can only smile as you reminisce back everything you guys did tgt. Every fight, every tear, every smile, every heartbreak making you guys stronger as a couple.

& fr you,
I guess it's nothing new to you, that I decide not to pick up your calls or reply your texts. Cause we did it so many times over the past three years. I have always listened to you, your advices,our 1am fights, 3 am makeups. You'd always pester me to study, that's how secretly I manged to always do well in Social Studies, English, Science. Our late night DNT & art dates, forcing me to draw your stuff for you.It was tiring, we both knew that, every single day, with SST till 4.3o/5 needing to study and complete our coursework too. But the fact that you were always there, makes it easier somehow. I always thought you'd be my first and last, needless to say you gave a hell of a first impression, 'smiles' I wish you all the best for now, for you, Faizal and the little baby. Insya'allah, you'll be a much better person. Never go back to your old ways, remember what you always told me, if not for mummy, don't do anything stupid cause you hate to see tears in daddy's eyes. I miss buzzer & zara kiss them fr me. I miss the smell of your room, the view from your room window, the clubhouse. I miss everything, despite the fact you cheated so many times. I'll still forever care about you, takecare shirin.

with love,
Crysrain

where did we go wrong, all so wrong. We both wanted the same things in life, or so I thought. I want to be a good muslim, but I still want you to be there, can you do that? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with me, just living together, you & me. We will adopt two children so that when we grow old, they can take care of us. We'll have cats around the house, make love in all the rooms, fight an argue with each other almost everyday but still wanting to love each other even after that fight? How sure are you, how sure are you that you can do that? Live with me, against your parents wishes, just to be with me. Against everyone and everything, just to me with me. It's like going against gravity. Which is the strongest force on earth, I don't know about tomorrow, next week, or next year. But I'll tell you this once more, I love you more than I have loved anyone in my entire life, I'm not looking for anyone to replace you. Cause I'm sure no one can top you ever. You have no idea how much this is hurting me, I may not cry and show you, but god knows I have been thinking, praying,wishing, for something, a miracle for somehow I can be with you throughout my entire life. I never want to leave you, ever. I have great pplans for the both of us, since the start.

Eventhough you're with me, it's feels so far away, still..I never
wanted any of this to be happening but it seems like I'm never good enough, I'm forever arguing with you.You're impossible to talk to these days.The longer we are together, the further away I feel I'm from you. This is such a long and painful fight.I din't give up on you, but I feel as though you already gave up on us. You'll never see cause I'll never show, this is killing me. I'm so tired but I can;t stop myself from thinking. I go to you when I need a break. When I'm feeling sad, but it's ssems like I can't do that anymore.