Yesterday's affair with Smelly, from sushi to skypark to homemade ben and jerry with waffles. HAHA, I'm officially sick of salmon, hehe. I eat one plate too many yesterday, and she eat like what, one and half plate? Cannot bring her to buffet, seriously perut so small like perut orange. Haha, doesnt make sense. Thank you, for pampering me without fail, to always remind me and making me feel that it's always me, and it will always be me. We've got so much love to show, but still both of us is holding back, I don't know till when you'll be in my life, but I'm not looking forward for you to leave anytime soon.

I hate disappointing people, the way you talk to me this days, wheww. Do you have any idea what you put me through? For nearly half a year, do you know how broken I was? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I see your face every where, even when I close my eyes, the worst part is that there's this depressing hollow feeling in my heart that I couldn't fill. How many nights I stayed up crying to you, you just asked me to fuck off, or get pissed at me. Whatever you're going through right now is nothing compared to what you put me through, I was so broken. I blamed myself for not treating you well enough, for not having enough time to spend with you since I was busy with exams, I blame myself for allowing you to slipped away. No matter how many mistakes you created, how many wasted nights crying for you till I was gasping for air, I'm still here. Still holding you up, always.

 Smelly's birthday not-so-surprise outing after burning our bodies in the hot sun at marina barrage, hehe.

 In the midst of studying that time with Rina.

Date with smelly last night, watching Ah Boys To Men 2. I DID NOT CCRY, I REPEAT I DID NOT CRY. Heh, who am I kidding, I did, I really don't know how to lose weight when Adam always makes sure I have good food, plus the worst part is that nenek stays here now. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. Bah, I don't know how long you plan to stay in my life with no commitments like this, but I'm glad you did. Unknowingly I'm holding you back with an invisible thread, seeing if you let go, or pull back harder to keep me by your side.

Sometimes, I do think how unfairly I treat you. How demanding I am, expecting nothing less than perfection from you, all the time and I'll criticize you openly if you fail to do so. This heavy burden I put in place on your shoulder unknowingly. I need you, more than I expect myself to do, it scares me. Someone who I have already strikeout mentally to never be with, yet I'm falling into your arms so effortlessly. I know I don't usually tell you what's going on in my head, but that's just because you always think I'm confuse when the fact is I have already chosen, and it's you. We have the rest of our lives together, I want us to grow with each not apart, to love each other even if it makes absolutely no sense at all and even if you feel like throwing your whole set of knifes at me. Heh.

I love you, smelly.

"I still care, but you can't know that. You should never know that".
I have been sick for the longest of time this week, since sunday till well, as I speak. I was so weak I could barely even wake up from bed. I skipped phase test, yes me, skipped my practical. 'sigh'. I'll still have to make it up though.

You moved me, you cared when I least expected you to. The look in your eyes, the creases on your forehead when you frown, the strain in your voice when you hear me cry, your exasperated sigh everytime I say I'm so weak and I just want to give up. You never did, you never did give up on me even when I'm more than ready to give up on myself. You threw yourself at me, not holding back or even stop to think what you're getting yourself into. I admire your courage, I admire your strength.

I think the one thing that I admire the most about you is that, you're so humble. You're fighting for me still even if  at the end of the you don't own my heart you wouldnt mind. 

I'm sorry to hurt little girl, cause that isn't what I mean to do.

 It's been so long since I last blog and I dont know why i suddenly feel like blogging. Maybe cause I'm so overwhelmed  with emotions. I don't know where to start of where to stop, what to do or what not to do. Everything I do these days is just wrong and I'm sick of making everyone else happy. When all I should really do is make myself happy and no one else. But I can't cause I still care.

My thighs are aching from all the squats I have been doing, it feels good. Haha.
I was thinking about my life as a whole these days. How I always like to plan before hand abot everything and anything and how if it doesn't go my way I'll get pissed. Have I lost my grip? I thought I was better at this kind of games, or maybe I'm just sick and tired of all that is involved in it.Nor maybe it was my fault to have so much hope, faith all for one person.

I'm so happy for zuzu la seriously, did I mention this before? After that fucker faris, she moved on, to someone who really showed her what's love. To take care of her more than I can.

I skipped from one topic to another just like that eh? Haha. Goes to show my mind is all messed up, it's everywhere, my thoughts.

I just can't wait till Saturday, Adam Levine, I'm coming for you, baby.

The broken hopes and the shattered dreams

If you know me at all you'd know that this isn't what I want, at all. The problem with time  and distance is that for some, it makes us forget who we really are, we conform to how and what the circumstances at that point of time led us to. This isn't the case for me, but I can't expect it to be the same with everyone. 

Everyone in life is searching, for that ONE person you'd spend the rest of your life with. Your better half, they say. But the thing how would we really know who's exactly 'the one'? Come on let's be realistic, there's no one right one is there? But that's where you're wrong, there is. There is the one, the one that you would argue till 4am in the morning trying to make things right. Makes you feel as though no one, no one can touch you. It's just the both of you, all the time. Everyday. The one that will make you feel as though you're on top of the world, but can make you come crashing down within a split second if they wanted to. Have you felt that way? Have you ever look at someone, thinking how happy we could be. How you would not and can't stand the thought of being with anyone else except, HER. Have you just look at the one you love and sigh? And you go asking yourself, what is it about her, how did I fall this hard? Was in in between of our laughters, the tears brimming in our eyes, was it the late night calls. As hard as you try to think, you can't, you can't fin that one reason, why. The worst part is that, no matter how much shit she has given you, when all the signs are in your faces to fucking move on you can't. Not cause there's no one else, it's because YOU, you're still holding on. You're afraid, you're afraid that if you do move on, you'd forget. You'd forget all the things you guys felt, the things you shared. And you don't want to forget, you still want to remember.

So please don't say that I don't understand you, cause I clearly do, sometimes more than I led on. She was the one I get it, sometimes we try so hard to keep thing together, to make it like how we used to, but little do we know, we lost ourselves along the way. It will get better, I don't believe the bullshit about time being a great healer, cause I still wear my scars proudly on my chest above my heart. We just got better at dealing with it along the years. 

Sometimes I wish I can't read you, cause I know how exactly you feel. Cause when I look into your eyes, I feel your pain too.

You don't give me the attention that I need. I'm more affected by this than anything else. All I want is for you to spend time with me, for me but whenever you do have time you'd won't be planning it with me. You would have already make plans, then you'd say why don't I ask you out. I DID SO MANY TIMES, but all I get is, "Oh I' meeting so and so tmr" and all I can do is smile and say okay.

I know I'm having a hard time, I'm trying you know but you don't want to go out with me and you expect me not go out with my friends too. Then you say I think too much about people that i'snt worth thinking about, how do you expect me to not do that when you don;t allow me to do anything.

Then you'd say that you're stress, I handle work, studying for exams and I still make the effort to meet you eventhough if it's for awhile. I can't hope to spend a whole day with you cause it will never happen. So why bother hoping then get disappointed.

For someone who can read me like a book, you sure have some trouble reading me, when it comes to you.