My thighs are aching from all the squats I have been doing, it feels good. Haha.
I was thinking about my life as a whole these days. How I always like to plan before hand abot everything and anything and how if it doesn't go my way I'll get pissed. Have I lost my grip? I thought I was better at this kind of games, or maybe I'm just sick and tired of all that is involved in it.Nor maybe it was my fault to have so much hope, faith all for one person.

I'm so happy for zuzu la seriously, did I mention this before? After that fucker faris, she moved on, to someone who really showed her what's love. To take care of her more than I can.

I skipped from one topic to another just like that eh? Haha. Goes to show my mind is all messed up, it's everywhere, my thoughts.

I just can't wait till Saturday, Adam Levine, I'm coming for you, baby.

The broken hopes and the shattered dreams

If you know me at all you'd know that this isn't what I want, at all. The problem with time  and distance is that for some, it makes us forget who we really are, we conform to how and what the circumstances at that point of time led us to. This isn't the case for me, but I can't expect it to be the same with everyone. 

Everyone in life is searching, for that ONE person you'd spend the rest of your life with. Your better half, they say. But the thing how would we really know who's exactly 'the one'? Come on let's be realistic, there's no one right one is there? But that's where you're wrong, there is. There is the one, the one that you would argue till 4am in the morning trying to make things right. Makes you feel as though no one, no one can touch you. It's just the both of you, all the time. Everyday. The one that will make you feel as though you're on top of the world, but can make you come crashing down within a split second if they wanted to. Have you felt that way? Have you ever look at someone, thinking how happy we could be. How you would not and can't stand the thought of being with anyone else except, HER. Have you just look at the one you love and sigh? And you go asking yourself, what is it about her, how did I fall this hard? Was in in between of our laughters, the tears brimming in our eyes, was it the late night calls. As hard as you try to think, you can't, you can't fin that one reason, why. The worst part is that, no matter how much shit she has given you, when all the signs are in your faces to fucking move on you can't. Not cause there's no one else, it's because YOU, you're still holding on. You're afraid, you're afraid that if you do move on, you'd forget. You'd forget all the things you guys felt, the things you shared. And you don't want to forget, you still want to remember.

So please don't say that I don't understand you, cause I clearly do, sometimes more than I led on. She was the one I get it, sometimes we try so hard to keep thing together, to make it like how we used to, but little do we know, we lost ourselves along the way. It will get better, I don't believe the bullshit about time being a great healer, cause I still wear my scars proudly on my chest above my heart. We just got better at dealing with it along the years. 

Sometimes I wish I can't read you, cause I know how exactly you feel. Cause when I look into your eyes, I feel your pain too.

You don't give me the attention that I need. I'm more affected by this than anything else. All I want is for you to spend time with me, for me but whenever you do have time you'd won't be planning it with me. You would have already make plans, then you'd say why don't I ask you out. I DID SO MANY TIMES, but all I get is, "Oh I' meeting so and so tmr" and all I can do is smile and say okay.

I know I'm having a hard time, I'm trying you know but you don't want to go out with me and you expect me not go out with my friends too. Then you say I think too much about people that i'snt worth thinking about, how do you expect me to not do that when you don;t allow me to do anything.

Then you'd say that you're stress, I handle work, studying for exams and I still make the effort to meet you eventhough if it's for awhile. I can't hope to spend a whole day with you cause it will never happen. So why bother hoping then get disappointed.

For someone who can read me like a book, you sure have some trouble reading me, when it comes to you.

Finally off, have been working myself crazy. I wanna work more, more, more. Next week I'm only working three days. I need at least 5, shall I go back to banquet with Nadrah at Marina Bay Sands? Oriental or maybe Fullerton? I hate Mandarin Oriental sia, damn f up hotel, cause of the people and not anything else. Unless I'm working at Sunrise which is the breakfast section of Oriental then it will be better. 

OHNO, my ear piece spoil already. SUCKKKKSSS.Actually I don't really feel like blogging, maybe shall tumblr instead.

Hi HI HIIIII, kay enough. Holidays have officially kicked in & what have I been doing? Catching up with as much people I possibly can within this short period of time. I'm loving every second of it, like as though I'm really making use of my time. Shut up, I know. I'm just stressed up, therefore I'm tiring myself out so that when I reach home all I wanna do is sleep and not think over analyzing everything in every angle possible. I have this love/hate relationship with my off days. I want to sleep through the whole day, but at the same time I hate eating and sleeping like a pig.

So basically I have been spending my time with zuzu & raihan driving around lepaking with the rest, sharing problems with zal is like talking to Hazhim. So abang - abang. HAHA, whereas Zuzu is my annoying sister that will forever rape me in public, 'sighs' FOR THE FIRST TIME I WENT ICE-SKATING. Like a pro when I don't even know how to roller blade. At first I held the side and tried to skate by myself, when I gained confidence I held onto zuzu's hand and blade. HAHA, but that didn't stop me from falling on my butt 3 times. Twisting my toes in the tight blading shoes, sakit.

I DETEST BEING IN THE LESBIAN CIRCLE. Everyone watches you like a hawk, scrutinizing your every move, to watch you fall, get back up see who you will be with next. It's a vicious cycle, I don;t ever want that. I make friends, but I know them by name or face, I'd prolly be able to tell if you;re a lesbian from a walking distance, but that doesn't mean that I want to get to know you. Get your facts straight into your thick skull.

I need a getaway, no cellphones, no social network. Just me & you, just us two. The world doesn't matter, not when I'm with you right? But things are different now, our arguments takes so much of us, sometimes I feel as though I'm compelled not to ever be happy for A WHOLE DAY . I just want you, the whole of you. No baggage behind you, the past remains the past for a reason. I'd fight for you, just cause I know, we can do better than this.