I Can Be Your Wings If You Let Me Try , I'll Teach You To Fly .

I think yesterday had to be the worst day of 2010 . GAHHSS * I was running to meet Liana and Mizah and I had to take an escalator up , since my pants was long I tripped on in and fell on the escalator , my leg hit the sharp parts of the escalator causing a bruise and two red dots to appear , god it hurts so much . Then return to the Polo club , Farhan was frantically trying to reach me texting me and calling me , but my stupid battery died . So I ran into the Polo club , huffing and puffing and nearly knocked into Farhan . Sorry ! Haahs , I liked the view there eventho I was sweating through my uniform the whole time . The horses , the breeze . BUT , raffles is better .I went home before Farhan did , so I was walkg out the polo club when suddenly the trees all looked so eerie that I started running and trippped and I sprained my ankkle . 'screws face' GAHHS * Worked with Nadrah at this restaurant , she keeps calling me KAK ! , 'grins' aiyerr . We talked like really talked about everything , I guess i owed her some explanations . Heh , anyways we worked with Louise , and she was so mad when Louise tugged on a lose hair and put it behind my ear . I dint even know it was going to happen ! Louise told me never to go to clubs or anywhere that has people , music and GUYS . Cause guys only got only one thing in their mind , widen their social circle and also to find a fling . Well thanks alot Louise , tell that to Nadrah who's burning when she saw us talking . Hahh .

& I'm not sure why I'm hooked to the weirdest things these days , and no , I shall not name a few .
I went out with Zuzu , Liana & Mizah a few days back , it was certainly unplanned . We were all free at that point of time , and decided to go outttt . We made two stupid videos of us , in which both I was of no help at all cause I forgot all the lyrics . Haahs . Was supposed to go out with baby , but then my batt died . 'screws face'


& I saw you , sillybilly . I saw you , standing there with yur friends . I know you saw me , cause you turn 360 around and hid behind yur friend . I only notice you after I saw someone's face which looks so familiar and it struck me that he was in yur dance crew .

Baby's sick , get well soon ):

My dear sissy wants to drop art , she says the teacher keeps pushg her and out of 18 skecthes the teacher only took 3 . I smiled , I remember going through the exact same thing , constantly thinking about art . Always submerging myself in art , I remember ama saying this to me once , "Nak pergi makan lepas sekolah ? " Then I gave her a face , & she went "Ohhh , uh-uh ey , kau ader art , 'grins' " Pantat tul .
Haahs ,I remember hating being in the room . The sight of it makes me nauseous , adn i frequently get headaches . There's this guy I knew who bites his hand everytime he get migraines in art lesson till there was like this big ice-cream of pulled skin on his hand . 'sighs' I get very emotional esp if it's family matters , so I'm not brave enough to say this upfront to you syida , but you should hold on . Trust me , this is only the beginning . I cant help u , cause if I do , you'd depend on me and you'd never learn . You can , and you will .

Annyyyyyyways , Im hooked ! On Mcsundae and Mcflurry . GODDD , people have their coffee and I have my guilty pleasures which consists of icecream and chocolate . I dont know why , but when I eat it I'll be in a sing song mood the whole day . Well nearly the whole day , I need another intake of it at night . HEHHH . Whatttt , I know i cant eat it evryday , but welll . It keeps me happy , I drown my feelings in food , and you cant stop me .People say Im shrinking , what the hell . I'm notttt , its just that you guys are growg taller and I'll still be short . GAHHS*

Im beating myself up for all that Im feeling for . Fair ?

Today went by very fast didn't it ? Like seriously , was working and usually I'd check the time , counting the minutes until I finish work , but today it was seriously fast . Maybe beacause I was busy talkg to Laila the whole time , heh . So after work hung out awhile & after so long i finally got to see them . I wonderrr ..
I hate being at home , especially if my Daddy and that stupid guy is around . It seems that when people get older they have frequent moodswings , esp my Daddy and it's so annoying . That's the reason Im nearly always out , GAHHS*
Was on the phone with baby last night and I was walkg around the house , when I noticed that stupid guy threw syida's art stuff on the floor , when he's stupid stuff is all over the table . How is this fair ? I wished he would just f shift and get his own f house . Seriously , his impossible to live with , cause he's just like a ticking bomb, which would blow at any moment . AHHHH , screw you .

So tell me baby , you asked why I so 'perangai' I want you to ask why first , you already know the answer . So why ask me again .

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

14th febuary marks 3 special occasions , Ina's 18th birthday , Valentine's day , & our 21th month anni .


Cause yur the reason I told myself never to love again (bunny)

I dont know if you cry yourself to sleep hugging yourself so tightly so that somehow it feels as though u're not alone . I wished that u'd spill your pride on the floor , and come to me unguarded , unprepared , unarmed . & just end this all by telling me how u feel . Maybe , you are feelg the same way i am , but u're handling it so much better than i am right now . This sorry state is just going to ruin me further , what am I doing .

FIRSTLY , YOU DONT KNOW ME . Secondly you dont freaking know me . Thirdly , you cant even come close to knowg me . Im not going to let you near , there's no way you can find me after the 7th .

whatttttt is your problem ? If seriously you got sometg to say , why dont you come say it to my face .

Im seriously cold . Like.really.cold. It's been raining the whole morng , I woke up to the sound of thunders near my bedroom window & I'm really scared of thunders . They are so powerful and menacing . Baby is taking care of a baby , hah . Welllll , I'm like the guy now , supporting my family . I'm workg myself like crazy , just because it kills to have free time and think about you .

Anyways , on top of workg nearly everyday . Im finding another job , a job that requires me to work in the morng . Like really early morng , 4 plus in the morng . Hah , I found it , but i shall not tell you what it is though . Nyeh . This is my crazy plan , work like crazy frm morng till night if possible , then when I reach home I'd be so tired I'll just sleep .yesyyyyyesssss , awesome plan . 'grins'

Juggling 2 jobs at the moment isnt fun at all . I wonder how three feels like ? Anyhoots , was in the train last night heading home , there's this guy . He was sitting down with a bag which looks like he can store three people in it , it stopped at ang mo kio and there's this senior citizen who boarded the train , he looked around at all the filled seats . No one would give up their seats for him , ( I would have but I was standg ) , when that guy with the big bag gave his seat t old man ... It impacted me somehow , cause after he did , a few people gave their seats to those that are more deserving . We seriously need more people like that in singapore , instead of those aunties which rush into the train forgetting that there are people yet to alight the train , creatg a huge mess up . These aunties ....

Im doing this for you , I can choose not to . But I am , the least you could do is text me . Would one text kill you , suffocate you ? I dont think so , I know u're busy with baby . But as busy as Im , I always make time for you . Do you ? Have you tried , doing something nice for me for a change ? Remember what I said yesterday ? Just dont make me regret this , I seriously dont know how to get through to you anymore . I dont tell you how I feel , or what Im thinkg anymore , dont you notice at all ? You dont , you never did .

you make it so hard for me to fall asleep , cause i'd see you everytime i close my eyes ...

I remember the days we spent together were not enough ,

And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up ,

Never thought not having you here now , would hurt so much .

Tonight I've fallen and I cant get up ,

I need your loving to come and pick me up

And every night I miss you , I can just look up and know that the stars are holding you tonight .

& as much as im trying not to think , i am .

AHHHHHHHH , HI ALIENHEADDS . I'm hyper at 12.53 am in the morng are you ? hah . Sick , Im doing all the opposites of what Im supposed to do right now . While everyone is busy trying to find a job , I threw mine away . Im not irrational , but seriously the manager is screwupracistpieceof&^%# . Imagine , most of the people there are like from Msia , and they are chinese , Im ok with that , really , I mix really well with them . But imagine with them she lets them off easy , anc she comes down hard on you . One time nehmind , two times I'd swallow in . 3rd time byebye birdie . HAH , I think I scolded her ? And told her I wanted to resign which she Dint let me to do in the first place . Then I say I'll work till end of the month then I'll quit . But she havent let me sign the paper , wth . She thens starts complaining in chinese to the rest , as if i dont freaking understand that yur rambling abt me . I watch enough chinese dramas okkkkkk .

GAHHS* what a sucky weeeekkk . One shot after another , Im literally unstable . Desiree and Zuzu has been my best antidote to sadness . I stilll thinkkkkkkkkk though , Im trying to be reallly strong this time . Yur words was already enough to kill me .

U're backkkkkk , BUT . 'sighs' I dont really know how to come through to you anymore . Seriously , nothing I say has an impact on you . You sure as hell know what ure doing is wrong , and I hate it . Dont , please dont go back t yur old ways . I havent seen the way u were last time , but I have heard horrible things abt you . & you know what ? I always have to give this pained look when i tell my customers that the piece they want got no size left or no more left , but I wonder what kind of face Im going to give you when I tell you this . 'sighs'

you.got.no.idea.how.hard.im.trying.to.be.brave.about.this.im.tryg.my.very.best.to.swallow.this.as.calmly.

as.i.can.

Went out with desiree , headed to town . Someone wnated t sent me home but in the end forget that , he/she is workg . Save yur sweet talk kay ? Not interested . Desiree had to put her GULP in my beg , and then we boarded the train . We were laughg so hard with ras , when a lady next to me tapped my shoulder and say , " Becareful someone spilled a drink , ( points to the floor) "

Me : "AWW , thankyou so muchhhh !"

(turns to desiree and looks at her pink boots)

Me: Desiree lift up yur legs frm the mrt floor someone spilled sometg .

then sometg just clicked in my hed . SHITTTXZXZX .

desiree's drink , the whole cup was emptied in my beg . 'sighs' She then treat me to donuts to cheer me up , but we spent half and hour in the toilet drying my things with the hand dryer .

No words can express my gratitude towards you desiree , never fail to cheer me up . Im dying inside , stillll ....

My eyes are cramp frm staring at this screen , Desiree aksed me why have a diary when u have msn and blogger . Well , sometimes things are better written down , and kept away frm all the other people readg it .

hey ho let's go .
im sleepy and when i yawn tears fall , but the image is still etched clearly in my head . Went to the shop for awhile just now , this is the second time i saw this . There was cat on the side of the road , my first instinct was to go up to it and stroke it . I love pets you see , but it's mouth area was bleeding and the there was shit near the tail area & it was gasping for breath . Panic , I called out , to people around me . Luckly , The road was near a car park and my neighbour heard me callg out , He immediately took the poor cat to the vet . Im not sure if it's going to make it though , 'sighs'
Like that time when I was pri 3 , I had two kittens . My very first , Fluffy and Kitty . I was feeding them , holding Fluffy in my arms . While Kitty ran around , never did it cross my mind at that point of time that Kittty would run through the hole near the lift and fell to her death . I was crying my eyes out afterwards , Fluffy somehow knew something was wrong cause it suddenly felt limp in my arms . It just stayed still , it killed me .


u freaking told me on the morng yur going . darn-ed it , so far away .

I'd prove to you it's not impossible , HEEEEELLLLLO . Anyhoots , im seriously beat . This whole week I have been shuffling through poly's & going through applications . Im blue-black & it's all yur fault , heh . So basically this week , I dint work the whole week cause i was a mess . My mind was everywhere . So im only workg tomorrow , but I still dont feel like going . 'screws face'

Went to RP with Liana , to meet desiree . She's serioulsy amazed with Desiree's pink boots and their dancing . She was like in awe and her mouth hung open , heh . Okaaayyy dont kill me . 'grins'

Spend most of these week with baby , Going to place and watchg her sleep was the best . But eventually I feel like sleepg too and end up sleepg next to her . Two pretty shitty things happened t me this week , shall not elaborate both of them . I'll shall just say , I hate people when they are drunk . They dont realise what is happening around them & I become the victim .

I want t watch the Fringe and then head t bed , seriously shag . Thankyou for everyone that had me , and said I'll pull through . Naming a few , DESIREEEE MARIEE CHELLLIAAAHH . :))))) I Love you sia , seriously . Eventho my face look like shit and I was crying infront of everyone at causeway you still manage to make me that there's a silver lining beneath this cloud . FALINA & YUSIEEEEE ! Eventho i feel like shit for not being there for you , after all this years . YOu guys still have my back , 'sighs' my two big sisters that i can always run to when the whole world turns ugly . SHIRINNNNNNNN , for constantly making me think on my feet , arguing with me . You are forever trying to make me tough when im sucha weakling , 'grins'

ZUZUUZUUUUUUU , giving me a pep talk about the pro & cons . It isnt so bad afterall aye ? I miss you sia . LIAAANNNNNNAAA , bringing me to the poly's and making me as though im not alone , pulling me through . Last but not least , SABBBBBBBB , Im sorry I dont reply yur text and pick up yur calls , I wasnt in the mood . Thanks fr taking the trouble to call me and making sure i was alright .

You guys are the besttttttttttt .

My hand is burning for no apparent reason , weird . So here I am dead tired , at least we were at the same place at the same time . Eventho it was only for awhile , it was worth while . U made yourself clear , so I'll respect that . So this guy went up t me , "Hi ermm , I've been watchg you . Can I have yur number ? " I went like , " I'm sorry my boyf is performg and yur interrupting "

He then mumbled about going t the toilet and left , and I think I laughed . Cause not like I did have a boyf performg tho . Heh , couldn't remember . He's weird , been seeing him everywhere .

Wasnt in the mood afterwards , so headed t bugis . Desiree badly wanted me to go with her to get her boots . So I followed , it was PINK ! Striking , like omgahh . But nice tho , she's bold . Im not . Bumped into Syafiq and Hairul , Syafiq squeezed past me . And I went , "Who's that guy ? Anyhow only he .. 'screws face' " Then he turned back , and I was like wow . He looked so different . Like chinese , seriously .

Picked up the boots , in a shop which is not bigger than my balcony . So that's like really small , and everybody was like body to body . Nehh , headed back home in the train , and it was super packed . So when I got in there was like two banglas at the side , and one bangla infront of me . His hand was really close at my below , so i moved to the right . And then when I did his hand was at my below at like rubbing or what at it . FUCK SIA . I pushed his hand away and called out to desiree , I wanted to cry . So many times this week I got touched by stupid banglas . So fuckup , really . I'm like seriously traumatised , everytime I see banglas I'd roll my eyes . Ever since young , I always got stares from them , but now it has gotten worse . How I wished that I had someone who would beat that fucker fr me .

AHHHHHH .

anyways , had LJS just now . Couldnt finish it ,

i miss you finishing up my food fr me .

Seriously dont know what's up with you , you say I dont care . When I do , I care . You say Im a useless girlfreind . I dont get you , I never stop you from doing anytg you want . I know that you know yur limits , I dont mind you controlling me , if i headed out everyday . But yur unreasonable when u asked me to stay at home , and i did . You dont even call me or text me when Im at home . & you ask me to stay at home . 'sighs' what are you tryg to imply , tthis is for my own good how . Give reasons fr yur actions .

So I headed out to meet Desiree and Zuzu , I was supposed to pick up Desiree from school . But I was late , heh . So met her and her freind at BNS instead . Her freind is seriously chatty , in a good way . See , I'm not as bad as you thought I would be right ? I dont even know yur name , well Desiree did introduce us , but she was so brief with her introduction that I dint catch what she said . So they were talking about their crew , and I had a little flash back of Me and Desiree in dance club . Heh , I cant believe that her classmates are like shocked when they found out she was a dancer . She looks like one rightttt ? Or maybe I already know her as one so long back either which she still looks like one , 'grins'

Headed to Novena , met zuzu . It was so heart-breaking . So many things I wanted to buy , GAHHS * We were like in the shop for like 20 minutes only when Desiree started to grumble that the shop smelled like Kfc and she insisted that we must have Kfc for lunch , even after i said no more fast food . Aiyer, well she won and we had Kfc , over lunch cum dinner , we talked , like seriously talked . After so long , I really needed that . Managed to connect with her , told her everything . From why I'm drawing back eventho I hate it and all , yea . I do think alot about ....

I cant belive I just got my pay yet I'm already broke . What the hoot , stupid handphone billlllllll .

Changing my number soon , maybe it's for the better ? It would help right ? All these maybe's in my head , why wouldnt they change to answers .

You said you were constantly stepping back and fouth , now I know how it feels , cause I'm doing the same . & pleaseeeee try and understand i hate what yur doing right now .

I look stoned 'grins' But im effing mad , so decided to blog it out .
It's like 1.05am , dont ask me why I'm not asleep , seriously missing someone . (hint hint , bunny ) . I knowww , shutup seriously . So I work just now , after so long working alongside with the bunch , today I was alone . Well it suited me alright , cause it means that I do not have to engage in conversations then pretend to laugh and smile . So the mood suited me really well , futhermore was doing stockingup , and maybe , I teared a little in the storeroom . 'covers face'
I'm not sure why Im not really feeling my besttt even mummy can see it . She trys to get me to eat by cooking my favourite dishes but I just cant bring myself to it . 'smiles'
I know rightt , first time . Usually i'd warmed up to good food , but lately I just dont feel like it .
Side-tracking again , heh . So work , was in the storeroom like 3/4 of the time I was there & fie was talking to me , he was sayg like he's going back to the philipines in April . Guess he'd be the last one t leave there , all of us are going soon enough . It sucked , cause there wasntTaufiq was there to keep on disturbing me sayg "It's ok.." in my slang . Rusydy to talk crap with me , Jia hui for
me to bully , heh . & Ama , to hear me . Kevin tried to cheer me up with peanut biscuits , I said try cause I merely just smile to him nodding mouthg the words "thankyou" to him . Aiyer , im just .... forget it .

Went home with Mama and Laila , they were talkg about opening a business venture while I was lost in my own train of thoughts . & I was holdg the railing to stablise myself , when suddenly i felt a warm hand on top of mine . I pulled my hand downwards , after a few seconds the hand was there again . Frustrated i turn to look who was it , guess who , BANGLA SIA . Disgusted , i jerked my hand off the railing and folded my arms across my chest . That f bangla just give me a " I-so-did-not-hold-your-hand-even-if-i-did-u-cant-do-anytg" kinda look . Screw him laa , screw all f banglas . Frustrated i cried , haahs . Stupid , i know . But i dint have the guts to slap him . AHHHHHHH , but i had enough of banglas laa serious , even at darlg's work place constantly get stares frm banglas , what is their problem . Lack of girls in their country , huh .

You still have been constantly running through my mind without fail , It's been so long that I have been in yur arms that I forgotten how it feels , 'sighs' Why isnt it getting easier ? Guess that's not how this works . Im headg out with zuzu and desiree tmrw ! Finally , smiles and laughter , hopefully . I miss those two like crapp , pickg up desiree frm school then off t meet zuzu .

....im using my heart this time . They just can't figure out what to do . I just want you to be happy .

i guess that is how love works ,

being at the wrong place at the wrong time .

Amazing how this has affected me & i suddenly want to hear sometg even stronger and louder and more meaningful . It's been so long since i heard this kind of songs , yet it still seems to having the calming effect on me after all this time . Im using my earpiece cus with all these screamg in the songs it would prolly cause someone to ask me to turn it off .

Is this too much ? Im going back t my old ways , my old days . Opening up too many old scars , one by one the scars drip with memories that i tried so hard to push away . It's all coming back , again . I took so long to move on from that phase , and now im going through it again .
I should stop being selfish , cause ur happiness doesnt lie with me . All i ever wanted was to see you happy , and once again , im not it . I know that you'd let me be , cause you always do .
I'm in an emotional turmoil , that i cant even put into one word to describe how i feel .
i screwd up big time , im going away , cause i knew this is what u wanted . Takecare .

be the air beneath my wings .

Can i still wish everyone happy new year ? Eventho it's like 12.04 when im tpying this ? 'smiles weakly' Anyhoots , Happy New Year all . To me , this year did not start off very well . Firstly , due to the freaking 70% sale we were having we close the shop like around 11.45 and it's only like 15 mints till countdown . Called someone but that someone ruined my mood for the night . So since my darlg Jia Hui wanted so much to see the countdown at Khatib , we train there but wasnt in time to head to the place . So we counted down to the New Year on the mrt platform facing the countdwn event at Khatib . Hugged each other and headed t Woodlands , bumped into my cousins , darn-ed i miss them so much . Then bumped into Yanie , hugged her so tight i dint think that she could actually breathe , heh .
Headed back home , Hazhim went t sentosa already , my sister was like somewhere-i-do-not-know-where . Hisyam was getting dressed to head to pick Kak Ayumie , then head t St James then head to sentosa afterwards . They can laa , got bike . Aiyer .

I loved 2008 more then i loved 2009 , Sec 4 was the best year i had . 2009 , was a living hell . I had to painstakingly continue to live , despite all the crap that was happening . There were certainly more tears and fights and arguements than smiles . The tension was so overwhelming , it was enpowering and it took control of us . Startg of the year , keep on fightg with baby . Every single day , it was so sad it was eating me deep inside . It gradually got better , then came the stress for coursework . Stayg back in school even after every other living soul already went home . Juggling the piles of homework that teachers keep handing out t us , and coursework , studying . Then the stress of the exams nearing , was drawing closer and closer . It was crazy , i could barely find the time to feel . When our class did have free time we sleep , HAH . But it's true , nyeh . Classes ended so late around like 5 plus to 6 plus . By the time we reach home our brains were all fused out .
2010 also means we are getting our results really soon , ahhhhhhh .


just lost someone , close to my heart . though we dint meet much , you were always so sweet to me . i love you , i know that yur in a better place now , but you will always always be close to my heart and never forgotten .