My thighs are aching from all the squats I have been doing, it feels good. Haha.
I was thinking about my life as a whole these days. How I always like to plan before hand abot everything and anything and how if it doesn't go my way I'll get pissed. Have I lost my grip? I thought I was better at this kind of games, or maybe I'm just sick and tired of all that is involved in it.Nor maybe it was my fault to have so much hope, faith all for one person.

I'm so happy for zuzu la seriously, did I mention this before? After that fucker faris, she moved on, to someone who really showed her what's love. To take care of her more than I can.

I skipped from one topic to another just like that eh? Haha. Goes to show my mind is all messed up, it's everywhere, my thoughts.

I just can't wait till Saturday, Adam Levine, I'm coming for you, baby.

The broken hopes and the shattered dreams

If you know me at all you'd know that this isn't what I want, at all. The problem with time  and distance is that for some, it makes us forget who we really are, we conform to how and what the circumstances at that point of time led us to. This isn't the case for me, but I can't expect it to be the same with everyone. 

Everyone in life is searching, for that ONE person you'd spend the rest of your life with. Your better half, they say. But the thing how would we really know who's exactly 'the one'? Come on let's be realistic, there's no one right one is there? But that's where you're wrong, there is. There is the one, the one that you would argue till 4am in the morning trying to make things right. Makes you feel as though no one, no one can touch you. It's just the both of you, all the time. Everyday. The one that will make you feel as though you're on top of the world, but can make you come crashing down within a split second if they wanted to. Have you felt that way? Have you ever look at someone, thinking how happy we could be. How you would not and can't stand the thought of being with anyone else except, HER. Have you just look at the one you love and sigh? And you go asking yourself, what is it about her, how did I fall this hard? Was in in between of our laughters, the tears brimming in our eyes, was it the late night calls. As hard as you try to think, you can't, you can't fin that one reason, why. The worst part is that, no matter how much shit she has given you, when all the signs are in your faces to fucking move on you can't. Not cause there's no one else, it's because YOU, you're still holding on. You're afraid, you're afraid that if you do move on, you'd forget. You'd forget all the things you guys felt, the things you shared. And you don't want to forget, you still want to remember.

So please don't say that I don't understand you, cause I clearly do, sometimes more than I led on. She was the one I get it, sometimes we try so hard to keep thing together, to make it like how we used to, but little do we know, we lost ourselves along the way. It will get better, I don't believe the bullshit about time being a great healer, cause I still wear my scars proudly on my chest above my heart. We just got better at dealing with it along the years. 

Sometimes I wish I can't read you, cause I know how exactly you feel. Cause when I look into your eyes, I feel your pain too.

You don't give me the attention that I need. I'm more affected by this than anything else. All I want is for you to spend time with me, for me but whenever you do have time you'd won't be planning it with me. You would have already make plans, then you'd say why don't I ask you out. I DID SO MANY TIMES, but all I get is, "Oh I' meeting so and so tmr" and all I can do is smile and say okay.

I know I'm having a hard time, I'm trying you know but you don't want to go out with me and you expect me not go out with my friends too. Then you say I think too much about people that i'snt worth thinking about, how do you expect me to not do that when you don;t allow me to do anything.

Then you'd say that you're stress, I handle work, studying for exams and I still make the effort to meet you eventhough if it's for awhile. I can't hope to spend a whole day with you cause it will never happen. So why bother hoping then get disappointed.

For someone who can read me like a book, you sure have some trouble reading me, when it comes to you.

Finally off, have been working myself crazy. I wanna work more, more, more. Next week I'm only working three days. I need at least 5, shall I go back to banquet with Nadrah at Marina Bay Sands? Oriental or maybe Fullerton? I hate Mandarin Oriental sia, damn f up hotel, cause of the people and not anything else. Unless I'm working at Sunrise which is the breakfast section of Oriental then it will be better. 

OHNO, my ear piece spoil already. SUCKKKKSSS.Actually I don't really feel like blogging, maybe shall tumblr instead.

Hi HI HIIIII, kay enough. Holidays have officially kicked in & what have I been doing? Catching up with as much people I possibly can within this short period of time. I'm loving every second of it, like as though I'm really making use of my time. Shut up, I know. I'm just stressed up, therefore I'm tiring myself out so that when I reach home all I wanna do is sleep and not think over analyzing everything in every angle possible. I have this love/hate relationship with my off days. I want to sleep through the whole day, but at the same time I hate eating and sleeping like a pig.

So basically I have been spending my time with zuzu & raihan driving around lepaking with the rest, sharing problems with zal is like talking to Hazhim. So abang - abang. HAHA, whereas Zuzu is my annoying sister that will forever rape me in public, 'sighs' FOR THE FIRST TIME I WENT ICE-SKATING. Like a pro when I don't even know how to roller blade. At first I held the side and tried to skate by myself, when I gained confidence I held onto zuzu's hand and blade. HAHA, but that didn't stop me from falling on my butt 3 times. Twisting my toes in the tight blading shoes, sakit.

I DETEST BEING IN THE LESBIAN CIRCLE. Everyone watches you like a hawk, scrutinizing your every move, to watch you fall, get back up see who you will be with next. It's a vicious cycle, I don;t ever want that. I make friends, but I know them by name or face, I'd prolly be able to tell if you;re a lesbian from a walking distance, but that doesn't mean that I want to get to know you. Get your facts straight into your thick skull.

I need a getaway, no cellphones, no social network. Just me & you, just us two. The world doesn't matter, not when I'm with you right? But things are different now, our arguments takes so much of us, sometimes I feel as though I'm compelled not to ever be happy for A WHOLE DAY . I just want you, the whole of you. No baggage behind you, the past remains the past for a reason. I'd fight for you, just cause I know, we can do better than this.

So tell me how it feels if you can't have the one you love fully, you argue you'd be patient. But how patient can you be controlling your tears and emotions everytime you guys meet? I'm so darn tired. I don't really know what's right anymore, or maybe cause I'm too worn out to even think. Let it be? See where this goes.

I hate to admit that I miss you, I miss everything about you. Your words of encouragement especially, how you always know what to say, when to say. I need that right now, but I know I still can't talk to you or even face you as a friend yet. Or maybe ever. You won't understand how hard it is, I have gotten over the fact that you choose to forget all about me, I just choose to be independent and try to live as though we never knew each other. My bestf,life seems so hard to you without you constantly reminding me to be strong.

Selamat Hari Raya kawan kawan ku!

 My brother, he saw me crying on malam raya on the floor like one hopeless person, gasping for air to breathe so he came, pulled my hand to the toilet ask me to wash my face and ask me to follow him to the shop. Good idea, cause when I did, he knocked some sense into my head like he always does.

 The one person that can make want to slap her senseless, but I can't go a day without her being with me.

Nearly complete family, see how mummy smile? HAHAHA. Joke, Daddy was at granny's house that's why he's not in the picture. One thing you'd realize as you grow older is that you wanna spend less time with your friends and more time with your family cause you feel as though you have limited time with them. I love Mummy Daady Hazhim and Syida so much, though we fight nearly everyday that fact will never change.

Im thankful for the people ho have been there for me every single time when I'm breaking down, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way. Thank you Razean, for hearing me out, watching me cry, hearing me say I'll be okay but tear up again the next moment. You never gave up on me, thank you. I don;t know how to show you, but one day I will.
& especially fie, whom I ask her to fuck off la, shut up, push her away, she's still there, literally wiping the tears of my face cause I'm such a weepy kid. I have promised myself that I won;t cry for you anymore, I won;t cry for you till I can;t breathe gasping fr air, feeling like crap every single day when I wake  up and when I sleep.You've stripped me off everything close to my heart, making me feel so useless. I don't want to ever feel that way anymore, ever.

As for me right now, I wanna focus on things that matter the most to me right now. Care for the people that has never left my side cause I was feeling this way, be there for them. I'll never forget how you hugged me on the floor when I was crying for her, the first thing you see when you wake up.

Smile eventhough your heart is frowning.

 HEE HEE, finally made my tapak kuda nutella. Successful, this are the nice one la. Mine hancur cause I din't know how to fold it properly. Well, it's my first time anyways, so do I at least get a good try? Haha.

 If only zanna came, I only get to meet my temok :( I miss them so much, seriously. Things are diff now, but US still remains unchanged.

 HEE HEE, my baking girls Anna and Nina. 

 Kumoks, well mnus a few more. 'sighs' sedih pe. This year we can't even raya together cause of clashing schedule and some of them can't take leave. I hate this, I hate changes.

My motivation everyday to come to school.

So freaking stress up with all the exam and tests that are coming, 'sighs' Yes, I admit I ahte changes, I hate that things must change. I hate the fact that I'm force to adapt to the situation as it is, it takes me a very long time to open up and accept it. I admit that's my flaw. 

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Zuzu! <3 We may not be as close as we used to be but I know I can always count on her, no matter what. I love you, Zu

 Girl brave@tryingnottocry completed the course! HAHA. So OAC had it's high elements this week, I swear I was a nervous wreck when attempting it, haha. I tried not to cry by talking to myself and looking forward, keep looking forward. DAMNNNN. But overall it was damn fun, but I will not want to try that again, seriously.

THIS, I don't care if it's gonna get tough, or we prolly gonna argue every day, we are gonna get frustrated but I hope that you understand that this is all in the process of building r/s,  As long as it's with you, nothing else matters. Cause I'm ready to fight, just to stay with you.

Life has been awesome without that asshole, I love breaking fast at home because it's the only time all of us will come together as a family and just talk and laugh. I can share, I can tell Mummy my problems, it's like I have my parents all to myself and I just love that feeling. I know they are happier, just that they won't admit it. This year is gonna be a blast eventhough it's ending.

 Last 2 years before Syida cut her hair short, I told you she's prettier than me. I look like one fat buffalo beside her. As usual this 4 amigos will forever be with each other, how we have changed over the years. One thing still stays, go syameer's room then play with the lights buat macam club then play block catching. HAHA, I know I'm 20, but so what.

 Jealous sia, of Syida's fairer than mine skin and nicer more tamed curls. BAHH. & of course jealous of her bigger... HEHEH.This year she will still have short hair, boring.

 Last year at Aunty Ani's house, hehe. Sabrina forever pretty la, but I wanna see her grow her curls, growwwww.

 The 1/3 of our cousins family, I know we look damn rojak, blame our grandparents, and parents for marrying into so many mixed breeds.

 Last year puase with Rian, how time pass. A day before raye and a day before she left me to clebrate raya in Msia. I also want to balik kampung sia this year, but I can't, ugh. Projects and tests that I can't escape. The project works, the assignments, breaking fast in school. Staying in school til 8-9, woah. I wanna fast full this year, but that's not gonna happen cause my bestf hasn't visited me yet. 'sigh'

 Didn't want to bask in the sun, so instead I took pictures.

 Your future nurses to be, forever by your side with a smile (: We are so ready for you guys, but are you ready for us? Haha.

This quote says it all, but lately I just can't to make you smile. Guess as I'm starting to fall, my judgement gets clouded and I want you all by myself. Call me selfish, but I hate sharing. Especially when it comes to you. I want you to need me everyday. There's so much unspoken barrier between us, it's either we talk it out and feel like shit. Or we don't talk it out and still feel like shit. But I have faith, I faith that this will subside. I just have to keep on believing. Don't, once again. Care about my feelings, cause somehow or another I'll just deal with it. My aim is to make you happy, even if it kills me inside. I promise you, I won't leave you

I don't get why my parents still care about him, why they still wanna visit him, write letters to him signing off our names as though, Me, Hazhim and Syida cares if he lives of die. Do not even try, do not even start to say, 'He's still your brother". I have long disregard him as my brother. That entitlement is not worthy for someone as fucked up as him. I tried so hard, in every single way, to somehow be seen in daddy's eyes. But no, it's Hazhim & Hisyam daddy wants. This fucked up feeling never ends, I feel somehow I'm the tenant in this house. You guys have never consider my feelings, never ask if I was okay with strangers living in house, so don't you guys dare ask my opinion or help keeping an eye on them or to not go out from the toilet using just my towel. This is my house, not theirs. This was never my intention, so please, don;t drag me into this. If you guys love your favourite stupid son so much, go and live in one house with just him. I'm fine by myself, futhermore, I have been supporting myself since 18. This is nothing new to me.

You have no fucking idea how much I miss talking to you. I miss joking and slapping you, making stupid baby languages with you, baking and cooking with you. I miss you, Rian. I don't care if you hate me

Good morning people, heh. Okay, this holiday sucks cause I have no discipline at all. To wake up early, to jog, to study. This cannot be happening, ugh. Gonna go for our class pit at east coast latter, man I hate that place. It's so deep inside so hard to get out. 


The thing is that, each one of my relationships are different, but for this one, I gave my all. Its what I would love to call the 'perfect' relationship. No matter how many fights we out each other through I know that at the end of the day you're still the one I want. Let's face it, say it, you're even more short tempered with me than usual. You can't stand it when Im late, cranky, sleepy, or have no time for you. The smallest things I say to you can just blow you up just like that. I try to talk to you as calmly as I can but you always end up hanging up on me. I seriously don't know where we are heading if this carries on. 

Went simpang bedok with these noobies today to try gong gong for the first time. For $20 bucks there were only like 20 gong gong's as well. Rip off I guess, cause I think newton's better, esp the sambal kangkong. HAIS. I wanna go newton la pulak :( kay shut up syima.


I feel happier now I guess, it's been like one week. It hasn't gotten easier, but I'm distracting myself by working till I go numb. Next week I'm working 5 days on top of the 5 schooling days I have. Hopefully can pull it off, cause honestly it's time i pull up my socks. I wanna do better, was actually really disappointed with myself just now, just that I didn't show it. Guess I'll just to strive for other tests and phase tests now. Nursing is seriously not for the weak and wanna slack student, you always have to be on the all times. It gets tiring but I hope this pays off, insyallah. I wanna achieve alot of things and it starts here. 


Honestly, I'm good at giving people advises and being there for them but when it comes to me, I'm hopeless. I don't wanna listen cause I know it won't stop the hurt. I just wanna feel that way for a really long time, be needy and clingy and sad and distant.'sighs' Some part of me doesn't want this to just be a passing phase.

 My darlgs, that I can't seem to live without.

 Eventhough I'm older than them, I always get bullied. Heh

 Before Sundown Marathon.

WOAH, so last night was really tiring. Now I now how it feels to sleep in the rain, kay I did not sleep but I can imagine the uneasiness. This is why I can never be a guy eventhough I very much want to. KIDDING. There's people wanting to faint, puke all over the place. The number of casualties last night was overwhelming, but all in all it was a good experience. 


I learnt last night that rats aren't scared of our stomping feet, dumb fat rats. This thurs is my last practical test and I'm done for this term! Ohhh, tomorrow's napha as well. UGH. I haven't been training. Once it's my holidays, Im gonna work out again. Slowly, by myself I guess...


Being with you has opened my eyes and I won;t fight for you if you don't want me to. I don;t want to be running after you when you don't want to be caught. I'll just annoy you like I already have which will someway or another lead to something undesirable, for me at least. I miss you without a doubt, but I'll still be here, bruise and wounded by still stubborn needing to be in your life.