I have been staring at this page for around half an hour, thinking exactly what should I write. I;m sorry I did not mean to hurt my little girl, honestly. You know the feeling of someones new liking you? The excitement that someone else finds you attractive, you're gaining attention but after you surpass all that, what's left is the love, the actual love you have for your other half.

'sighs' Seeing Hazhim & Erwina part just like that, just over a small mistake makes me reflect. It's actually all the small things that affects you the most, cause it accumulates over time snow- balling into a whole shitload of crap. Hard to believe the fact that couples for as long as them 8 years can choose to just walk away from each other. It aches me seeing them like that, cause it reminds me of me & shirin somehow. Sharing everything with each other, tears over the phone. Screams of joy when we pass our N's and cried when we failed our O's. Telling that someone every single detail, finding out dislikes/likes and whatnot. Eventually with them it becomes a routine, difficult to break, like an old habit. How does one decide to part from someone with so much memories and not shed a single tear. You can only smile as you reminisce back everything you guys did tgt. Every fight, every tear, every smile, every heartbreak making you guys stronger as a couple.

& fr you,
I guess it's nothing new to you, that I decide not to pick up your calls or reply your texts. Cause we did it so many times over the past three years. I have always listened to you, your advices,our 1am fights, 3 am makeups. You'd always pester me to study, that's how secretly I manged to always do well in Social Studies, English, Science. Our late night DNT & art dates, forcing me to draw your stuff for you.It was tiring, we both knew that, every single day, with SST till 4.3o/5 needing to study and complete our coursework too. But the fact that you were always there, makes it easier somehow. I always thought you'd be my first and last, needless to say you gave a hell of a first impression, 'smiles' I wish you all the best for now, for you, Faizal and the little baby. Insya'allah, you'll be a much better person. Never go back to your old ways, remember what you always told me, if not for mummy, don't do anything stupid cause you hate to see tears in daddy's eyes. I miss buzzer & zara kiss them fr me. I miss the smell of your room, the view from your room window, the clubhouse. I miss everything, despite the fact you cheated so many times. I'll still forever care about you, takecare shirin.

with love,
Crysrain

where did we go wrong, all so wrong. We both wanted the same things in life, or so I thought. I want to be a good muslim, but I still want you to be there, can you do that? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with me, just living together, you & me. We will adopt two children so that when we grow old, they can take care of us. We'll have cats around the house, make love in all the rooms, fight an argue with each other almost everyday but still wanting to love each other even after that fight? How sure are you, how sure are you that you can do that? Live with me, against your parents wishes, just to be with me. Against everyone and everything, just to me with me. It's like going against gravity. Which is the strongest force on earth, I don't know about tomorrow, next week, or next year. But I'll tell you this once more, I love you more than I have loved anyone in my entire life, I'm not looking for anyone to replace you. Cause I'm sure no one can top you ever. You have no idea how much this is hurting me, I may not cry and show you, but god knows I have been thinking, praying,wishing, for something, a miracle for somehow I can be with you throughout my entire life. I never want to leave you, ever. I have great pplans for the both of us, since the start.

Eventhough you're with me, it's feels so far away, still..I never
wanted any of this to be happening but it seems like I'm never good enough, I'm forever arguing with you.You're impossible to talk to these days.The longer we are together, the further away I feel I'm from you. This is such a long and painful fight.I din't give up on you, but I feel as though you already gave up on us. You'll never see cause I'll never show, this is killing me. I'm so tired but I can;t stop myself from thinking. I go to you when I need a break. When I'm feeling sad, but it's ssems like I can't do that anymore.

Tell me , if everything happens for a reason . What's the reason for me to feel this way ? If Allah created obstacles so we can overcome it , when will I see the light after being in the tunnel for so long . Im suffocating , I'm so weak . I want to cry , but what difference will it make ? Im pass telling people what's wrong when I know they cant help me . TALK TO MY PARENTS ? FOR FUCKS SAKE , they are so scared they would scream at me to shut up if he's mad . Fuck , I don't want to be this way anymore . This is my desperate cry for help , one last time , before removing everything about myself from this world . Thye say Allah don't give you something you can't handle , then why do people take their own lifes ? Why do they become insane ? After hurting so long , it seems like hurting is the only way to feel sane . I don't expect you to know how Im feeling , or find the right words to say . The least you could do is still be there even after I blown you off so many times . Not be mad at me just because I'm sarcastic . Guess I was wrong , no one can really understand me except for myself .

It's been sucha long time since I blogged . Well actually I just feel like it. I feel as though everything is slipping through my fingers, I want to let lose , but my girlf is the only person that is holding me back.You have no idea how bad things are in such a mess now days, I can only afford to tear up everytime , I wish to tell I do . I wish to let people know how bad I'm hurting , but then again , I'm just scared I'll tear and appear weak . 'sigh' I hate being in this place feeling so low , seriously , I'm not like this . Why did I chose to degrade myself this way. Rian tries her best I know she does , I don;t always acknowledge that fact , but I do realize and appreciate it . She just doesn't know it yet .
Why , why do I feel so lost & restless . It's as thugh everything is all over the place , well , in some way or another , it is .

I miss the girl that would once make other people's happiness her first priority . I've become so bitter , 'sighs' You showed me once , could you please show me once more ?

I want to start writing in a diary again , the way I used to years back . Filling my diaries with emo-sad crap embarrassing and awkward things that only one person can , other then me , can read . 'sighs' You know what , I really don;t feel like myself anymore . I don;t feel like doing anything most of the time , my time is always spend on work & sleeping and well spending time with rian . I no longer to Syima's stuff no more .

Do you know the nostalgic feeling when you hear a certain song or smell a certain a smell and it reminds you of someone ? Well I'm feeling that now . Maybe it's because I had that dream last night . after so long I cried for her again . Ugh , why do I constantly do this to myself . This song is bringing tears to my eyes , once again . Once again , Im crying for you . Once again , I still feel something , something strong enough to move me to tears again . Despite the fact that the truth is out , despite knowing that 3 years with you was all a lie . ALL A LIE , why do I feel this way fuck .

'sighs deeply' what happen to the love we thought we had ?

'sighs' arguing arguing is it a must ? It's getting tiring . Im tired . I'm tired . I'm tired .

It's Monday Monday nothings good on Mondayyyy , 'screws face' I'm so sleepy but yet I force myself to get out out bed and head to school , eventhough I was 5 minutes late . School is tough , 'sighs' All our assignments are pililing on before attachment , help ! I don't understand why they must add on IP , seriously . So as for now , we have dance/drama one of each has to be presented in 3 weeks time . Learning Corner which means like "Barber Shop/Bakers" that stuff to be set up in 3 weeks also . Screw my life , on top of it all there's one paper that we have to sit for . I know right , just one paper . but wait till you see how thick my book is , then you tell me if you start sweating due to stress like me .

Anyways , guess what my friends told me this story about the song sephia by sheila on 7 . Apparently the lyrics of the song was given by this guy ( a complete stranger to the band) , after they succesfully produced the song , they went back to find out to see how this person is doing . Only to find out that the guy passed away a few years back . Spooky ? I know right .

Ugh ! I nearly died from a heart attack thinking what went wrong with this girl , da biase buat aku panic kan cheebye . Heh , here not counted kay , I can display my vulgarities as I wish . She say something is killing her and I was like what , what happen & she went silent . Ccb , so I called and she adjusted her voice to make it seem asthough she's like crying and ask me to guess what's wrong , dumbdumb , luckily she burst out laughing saying she misses me . If not I wouldnt have known it was a joke ! pfft *


Sometimes I get so scared , nothing is permenant in this world . Change is the only thing that is constant . I'm so afaird of being too happy only to have it beng shortlived , 'sighs' But I keep on trying I'd never know .
Lastly wherever you are , whatever you're doing , I miss you .

My best friend Amalina , sometimes we can go for days witthout talking to each other & when I'm sitting by mysefl I start to realize that it sucks big time not hearing your voice and your usual "What's up ? No no no you go first .. " I hate the fact that after 4 years we're in different school and we're working at different places . We used to do everything together it's been 1 year plus since we've graduated from sec school yet Im still not used to being apart from you . Guess you'll always remain more than a bestf to me , you grew up next to me we're practically sisters and I miss you <3


My girls my pillar of strength whenever Im down . I seriously wouldnt know what I'd do without them in my life . Each and every one of them eventhough 3 of them are not in the picture . I love the way you guys can always make me laugh away my problems , distract me from what Im actually seeing . I miss us eating on the same canteen table for 3 years . Me & Ama would challenge who can tahan eating the most spicy mee soto with lots of chilli . We would always hold hands and run to the cantten to be the first , heh , budak gemok . During 2.4 I would drag and pull Ina & Liana to run faster so that they'd pass . Going to each other's house after school to watch movies but we end up talking about heart to heart topics . 'sighs' I miss you girls <3<3

Taken weeks weeks back , when we were watching Hangover 2 at Cineleisure. It's been quite sometime since I last watched movie there brings back so many memories . Stupid-ly funny show , most people said the show was a bore and that Hangover 1 was better but then I disagree , I think that this is way funnier despite the nudity and that gay monkey , heh . So overall , awesome movie plus awesome company . Nyeheh . We sneak in Frolick into the cinema the frozen something yoghurt didn't really go well with the toppings we choose . It's okay it was our first time anyway , 'smiles'

Why did I let myself let you in all over again , why did I listen to you only to be let down . The worst part is that I have already foreseen that it was going to happen but then again , I choose to be ignorant and went ahead . Sometimes I don't really understand why I let myself be hurt all over again , rubbing salt into my half-healed wounds and letting it bleed once again . Stupid me , I even woke up in the middle of the night texting you , which wasn't even aware of . What the hell , seriously . & when I woke up this morning and check our text conversation I saw what I texted you , 'sighs' I do miss you but I miss the old you . Fish , you even use more make up on yur face than I would wear in a lifetime . Why did you have to go changing , 'sighs' Jepon told me once , People change , feelings fade away . Sit back and accept it . Fuck , 3 years just like that . I hate you , I hate you , I truly do ; rebelfreak,berserk.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh , of all the days why did my dad's side from North India have to visit us today . BAHHS* Heh , I missed them , but then again I'll be talking about politics with them , freaking clever relatives I have . Damnnn , tak sabarnyer aku untuk esok ! AHHHHHHHH !

damnn , I swear I miss my old hair 'screws face' I won't do anything more to my hair until Raye , I promise , 'crosses finger behind back' Heh . Aku sumpah penat , wait , seriously I'm not kidding I'm so tired . I feel like a freaking full-timer , pfft* It has already come to a point where I'm dragging myself to work & Anna's my only motivation . Wake up at 5.45 , get dress , head out , work , break , home . NO LIFE .

TWO MORE DAYS TO USS !
I'm still contemplating on what to wear , bring , ahhhh ! Excited 'dances around' This week is going to be super fun , I just can't wait . My day just got better , CAUSE MY LAPPY WILL BE COMING TO MY HANDS SOON ! AHHHHHH ! Allhamduillah . 'smiles'
Which means , which means , which means , I'll take care of it like a baby . I swear :) No more over charging of the batteries . Thank you Allah <3
Alright I'm so happy right now I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face .

I wonder if I ever cross your mind just like how you always do . I don't think you're happy at all , but I just don't understand why you won't let me catch you fall . I miss us , I miss you & me trying all kinds of food , experimenting . I miss you calling me late at night and talking till wee hours of the morning till you fall asleep on the phone . I miss treating you like a baby . I miss the way we'd make faces when we listen to a song. I love the way we'd laugh at our own secret joke . I miss how I can talk to you about hisyam and how I hate him so much but yet his still in the house . I miss you making me cry for the most stupidest reasons , I miss us quarreling every single night about everything and nothing . I miss how you'd watch out for me in secondary school , I miss how I'd carry your school bag infront and mine at the back . I miss sitting beside you during malay class and massaging your hands . I miss how you'd try to tie my hair and make me feel better by getting me distracted . I love how you make me feel comfortable in an awkward situation by being by my side . How do you bring yourself to walk away form something that was once so strong , even when there were times I swear I feel like giving up on you on everything , something always whispers to me to just give it one more try . Just one more try , why are you even putting yourself through this , I know his not the one . I know , we promised each other remember ? That we'd choose our soulmate for each other & I just know his not the one . You're better than this but you just refuse to see .

crysrain , no you hang up .

See my new hair color , my sissy say I look like minah rep 'screws face'
But someone else doesn't think so , heh . I wanted it to look brown but instead it looks red , BAHS*




Anna sayang , aku sayang kau bodoh .


The SB-CP team , I miss the old team though .


My girls , anna , farlinah , me , zee :)




So this are the updated pictures of the pit ! Nyehehe , Anna sat on my lap throughout the whole meeting and we keep taking like around 8-9 stingray's and sotongs . I was so full already we makan serioulsy like budak gemok . So i dyed my hair & the color is kinda off , Im praying that the color runs so the real color will be shown .
& I just put down the phone with Zuzu finally get to talk to her after so long , feels like secondary school days . Hope you're feeling better Zuzs , on the 9th I let you spank me one time only kay , to make you happy . I REPEAT ONE TIME ONLY .
I realize many things lately , like why bother to express yourself , people call me ego , hard-headed , but when I do express myself , they do nothing about it why bother ? Or maybe they would like change for awhile then go back to their old self , I'm sick of pointing out where your're wrong there and there . if you wanna change you'd should see if for yourself . Im still there , but you'll have to prove to me your worth it . Cause I'm losing faith , in you .

You said you can read me like a book , so can you read how I'm feeling now ?

My manager the curly wurly Saiful , never fail to make my opening an eye opener always . I miss working with him 'screws face'
This was taken last week at our starbucks SB-CP bbq pit . I helped in the cooking alot this time round eating of standing near the pit and gobbling everything up . Heh , I was actually not feeling well since I dint go home on Sunday night . I promised myself I won't drink after all that has happened and I'm glad Anna was there to make sure I kept to my promise . I initially wanted to swim with the rest but I din't bring the proper attire and a change of clothes . A kind soul azman lend me his clothes , but in the end I decided not to swim . Why ? I scared I'll get darker , shutup . Don't laugh , haahs .

Last week for three days I had to go to Kinderland Childcare Centre at Tanjong Pagar to teach the kids art , at first It was awkward I kinda stand there smiling to them looking like a fool but I bet they barely can tell . After which we got into groups to teach them different techniques that we would be doing . This girl , Metta was so adorable she stuck by beside me the whole time and she'd giggle everytime I brush her hair . Viola the most lady-like child I ve ever seen with proper manners , she has the puss in the boots eyes , completing the cute girl look with bangs and a ponytail . We continue doing the art pieces till the last day , I couldnt bear to leave them eventhough it was just for three days I teared up and cried like a baby & they all came charging at me giving me a big group hug . I was so touched I cried more but trying to push them away at the same time , I shy la . The three days spend there was so meaningful , eventhough I was so sleepy and tired on the last day I managed to force myself to get up and there's not many events where I'm like that so yeahh .

lastly , you're killing me without even trying .

Bumped into this guy yesterday , apparently he's working at causeway again . & the way he was smiling at me show that he has been looking at me from afar even before I walked passed his shop . I know eddie , heh . Shall let you guys figure out where though . Isn't it weird how for a period of time he was all I ever wanted and needed , things changed people changed . I do have those moments where I'll just sit down and think about everything and nothing in particular . I do get scared , really scared . The one thing that scares me the most is that if someone can just throw a 3 year relationship away just like that what makes you think you on give up on me somehow , someday ?

I've always believed that there's a reason why I can never take my mind off you , maybe you were meant to be there . Etched somewhere in my brain , kept safe . People go through 4 steps after a break up . They cry , they get clingy , they get mad and then they move on . But I go through the 4 steps over and over again . I keep forcing myself , if you're happy I'll be happy . I once told you that , if happy isn't with me I allow you to leave . Apparently you did , somehow I wished you'd give me a better reason to break up with me , but then what possibly could be the"perfect reason" for a breakup . I'll always make a reason for you to stay .
& I hope that no matter what you're doing out there , whoever you're with know that I'm always here. I'll never show though this still kills as much as I try to push you out from my head you still manage to come back in . You know I'm talking about you , guess you're better at moving on then I will ever be .

I'm going to try & sleep and stop thinking , Ya Allah , for once don't wake me up from my sleep crying because when I do I'll look at my phone and there's still nothing from you and I feel so empty inside . Please don't let me go through that feeling I'm not strong enough . I never fail to look at our pictures on my wall and tear up I dont have the heart to tear it down though , guess I'll be this way then .

withlove,
Syima

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIIa44jMww0

this song is so amazingly sweet , it makes me just wanna cry . Heh , amazing how someone who knows you so much is able to use everything they know about you all this years against you . You ask yourself what kind of person does that , after being with each other for so long but well you've have to understand that even the longest of marriages ends in divorce , nothing in our temporary world is certain . Everything will end someday somehow . Then you'd start to wonder why would you ever want to try in the first place , here's the deal . Im the kind of person who thinks if you'd never try you'd always never know .

No one actually stops loving someone , it's either you'd always love them or you never loved them .
The hardest part of letting go is stopping yourself to run away .

Budak selengeh transformed ? No ? Okay .
It's been centuries since I updated , cause all my updates are in my drafts or my new diary <3
So blogger dead , but today I feel like typing instead of writing so just let me be . Had a , well how do I put it ? Emotional talk with my clique just now ; they made me cry like a small kid . They say I'm sensible but when it comes to love I'm just a weakling , of course I fought to justify myself otherwise but it seems like well yeah , I'm always so afraid to lose the other party that I tend to think of the worst possible scenarios even if she's not doing it . I'm just paranoid like that , love ? What's that . It's finally over , I should say that with a hint of relief but instead fat sobby tears roll down my cheeks everytime I hear her voice or she her smile . MOVE ON , how do I ? She gave me so much to remember , we practically grew up together . Moving on seems so easy for her to do , I don't even sense a tinge of sadness coming from her . Moving on means letting go everything we had , forgetting it , making it another chapter in my life called memories . With time it will fade , I'll probably forget how much I truly love her and yearn for her . But that's the thing , I DON'T want to forget , I want to keep this going . Mistakes both of us , I know . It did made us stronger every single one of it , I'm saying sorry . But I do still love you , behind this strong front which won't ever admit that I still do . I yearn for you and I will always hold a place for you in my heart . When you read this I probably won't be talking to you , cause I can't stand to be freinds with someone I dearly love and looking you in the eye unable to hold you . It kills me to see you , you have no idea seriously . I don't want you to continue to see me cry for you , swollen eyes and eyebags , I don't want that for you . Know that even if we're not talking I do think of you , every night . You're still the first and last person that is on my mind now and forever , I don't care what people say . I love you S . It will always be S.S .

'sighs deeply' why do I feel this way ? I want you to be happy , Im sure you know that I don't want to go down that road if you're just able to leave me just like that . You got no idea how I hug myself to sleep feeling so alone , even if it kills me I promised you that I'll never walk out of your life and Forever isn't just a word to me even if it means nothing to you . Call me a flirt call me a bitch call me everything you want , I'll never stop loving you till my last breath I'll be here for you . Rub your cheek , hold your hand , hug you till you're out of breath . Run with you , cry with you . Yearn for you for a place in my heart still holds your name up till now , look into my eyes you will know how I feel for you . You thought me so many things that I'll bring everywhere I go . We will always be able to talk for hours about anything and everything , I'll be mad yes I will , but give me time and you know , you know I'll have your back . I have never left yur sight and I dont even plan to walk away . You have to trust me , I can't be there for you like how I always used to , but only time will tell . You have my heart S , doesn't mean that I dont utter the words I love you often it means that I don't love you . I do , I want to show you that actions speaks louder than words .