Would it make me vulnerable if I were to tell you all that I'm feeling. Why do I feel like no one will ever understand what I'm going through. You gave me the choice of being friends, but I can't stand the thought, of you finally replacing me. Call me selfish, call me egoistic, but this is me trying to be strong for myself. The things we did, you're not doing it with her, I just feel out of place like I'm no longer important anymore. It breaks my heart to even tell you how much I miss you, I do. I'm just so good at putting up a strong front, you're bringing me to my knees.

Tell me how did we get here, how did we become so wrong? Why, how do you manage to push me to the edge till there's no room left to breath.
Just like how you need me to understand that those people are in your past, you need to understand that it's the same fr me too. I'm with you, the longer you allow that thought to feed onto your emotions it will eventually be there. Please, I beg you, Stop, stop it. I can't.

And if I ever forgot how I feel about you, you should keep me grounded, keep me reminded. You know the song you need to bring me back, it just there. That day at Ben's and Jerry's,  with waffles and ice-cream I realized how much we put our heart and soul into this r/s not knowing what might happen next, but we just threw ourselves in it hoping for the best, knowing myself, I'm gonna give you more than just the relationship of your life. I'll make sure, you will never move on from me cause I love you that much 

Our supposed to be ice-cream date, ended up with us watching a movie and eating in Ikea. Both nearly losing each other's cool, I don't know why I was so patient with her tho. Given anyone else, I'd prolly just walk away and leave them there, but I stayed and kept my cool everythough I was about to blow, but it wasn't her fault. The way she tried to calm me down by redirecting what I'm piss about pissed me further. BUT, overall, it was an awesome date. HEHE, i ate like 14 meatballs man, she only eat like what one? Both of us, are always so tough on the outside, so careful with each other. Im tired of this, let me tell you this, I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, to bring you down, to leave you there cause even so, even at your lowest I want you to know I'll never leave you. Not now, not ever. Now let me show you my range of emotions in full glory, may you have a strong heart, cause I'm tired of putting a strong front. Let us embrace each other with all over flaws out on the open.

 Watched Shiqin performed at HomeClub with Rian and Nad, sherry was there too, but I dint managed to take picture with her. She was so good she gave me goosebumps, I missed them so bad, all the stupid stuff we would do. Like cooking packets and packets of maggi after school at Nads place, sleep, cry to each other. After all these time I'm glad somethings didn't changed. After which me & Rian wandered around from clark quay to raffles to esplanade. We just walked, like how we used to, then get tired and find somewhere to sit and laugh. Maybe we shouldn't have been together, cause now I might lose you as a friend, I'm only strong for you. I know you love her alot, maybe you're holding on to her more than anyone else, cause you didn't think even she would disappoint you. Im so sorry she did, I know how exactly how you feel, but if you don't pull yourself out of that hole. Even I can't do it for you.. Just know, when you're down and out. Im here.

Yesterday's chalet with my girls <3 i="">

It's been a long day, it;s been a long week and I gotta to say its that I have been wrong. I don't wanna see your face. I don't want you to see me break into a thousand pieces and I just wanna hide away.

Just as I thought I can get a day off work to spend time with my gundu heads, aishah told me she cant replace me :(

Okay, forget it, at least even so. I'll be able to make more money, think about the bright side syima. Come on, haha. I hate always coming from work, cause I smell like coffee, and sometimes my hair smells like syrup and coffee. I feel so sticky and disgusting that I just need a bath. Damn, whatever la. It's an opening shift, with clarice somemore

Sick of holding onto people that wants to let go, when I'm always the one holding on. I don't understand, however hard it might be, to stay by your side as a friend, I will still do it. Even if you're with someone else, I don't understand why you can't do that for me. Rememeber what I always said? 'I just want to see you happy, even if happy means not being with me."

Your soul is the river, it runs so deep. You're the one that suppress them all. & I'm trying to figure out, how did I ever do without, your smile.

Heh, my number one turn on is someone's smile. It defines their personality, sweet and humble or fuck up. So I have been pretty busy with work and juggling with making time for Adam, zuzu, my schoolmates, work mates, and kumoks.

So I slept over Rian's house two nights ago, I think. I'm glad that we actually set time aside to do that,  cause it really segregated our feelings for us. There's no more spark neither is there heart racing moments wanting to be near each other. We are finally two individuals, no longer warped into one.

I think we're happier this way, there's so much I can share with her these days. No boundaries, but with jealousy, sometimes. I know things might change if she has a girlfriend, than I will no longer be able to see her as and when we both like. Somehow, I feel like everything is falling into place, I never planned for it to be this way. But somehow, it just did. Never would i have thought, I'd be with Adam instead of Su, or break up with Rian to even think of dating someone else, but it did. It happened.

Yesterday's affair with Smelly, from sushi to skypark to homemade ben and jerry with waffles. HAHA, I'm officially sick of salmon, hehe. I eat one plate too many yesterday, and she eat like what, one and half plate? Cannot bring her to buffet, seriously perut so small like perut orange. Haha, doesnt make sense. Thank you, for pampering me without fail, to always remind me and making me feel that it's always me, and it will always be me. We've got so much love to show, but still both of us is holding back, I don't know till when you'll be in my life, but I'm not looking forward for you to leave anytime soon.

I hate disappointing people, the way you talk to me this days, wheww. Do you have any idea what you put me through? For nearly half a year, do you know how broken I was? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I see your face every where, even when I close my eyes, the worst part is that there's this depressing hollow feeling in my heart that I couldn't fill. How many nights I stayed up crying to you, you just asked me to fuck off, or get pissed at me. Whatever you're going through right now is nothing compared to what you put me through, I was so broken. I blamed myself for not treating you well enough, for not having enough time to spend with you since I was busy with exams, I blame myself for allowing you to slipped away. No matter how many mistakes you created, how many wasted nights crying for you till I was gasping for air, I'm still here. Still holding you up, always.

 Smelly's birthday not-so-surprise outing after burning our bodies in the hot sun at marina barrage, hehe.

 In the midst of studying that time with Rina.

Date with smelly last night, watching Ah Boys To Men 2. I DID NOT CCRY, I REPEAT I DID NOT CRY. Heh, who am I kidding, I did, I really don't know how to lose weight when Adam always makes sure I have good food, plus the worst part is that nenek stays here now. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. Bah, I don't know how long you plan to stay in my life with no commitments like this, but I'm glad you did. Unknowingly I'm holding you back with an invisible thread, seeing if you let go, or pull back harder to keep me by your side.

Sometimes, I do think how unfairly I treat you. How demanding I am, expecting nothing less than perfection from you, all the time and I'll criticize you openly if you fail to do so. This heavy burden I put in place on your shoulder unknowingly. I need you, more than I expect myself to do, it scares me. Someone who I have already strikeout mentally to never be with, yet I'm falling into your arms so effortlessly. I know I don't usually tell you what's going on in my head, but that's just because you always think I'm confuse when the fact is I have already chosen, and it's you. We have the rest of our lives together, I want us to grow with each not apart, to love each other even if it makes absolutely no sense at all and even if you feel like throwing your whole set of knifes at me. Heh.

I love you, smelly.

"I still care, but you can't know that. You should never know that".
I have been sick for the longest of time this week, since sunday till well, as I speak. I was so weak I could barely even wake up from bed. I skipped phase test, yes me, skipped my practical. 'sigh'. I'll still have to make it up though.

You moved me, you cared when I least expected you to. The look in your eyes, the creases on your forehead when you frown, the strain in your voice when you hear me cry, your exasperated sigh everytime I say I'm so weak and I just want to give up. You never did, you never did give up on me even when I'm more than ready to give up on myself. You threw yourself at me, not holding back or even stop to think what you're getting yourself into. I admire your courage, I admire your strength.

I think the one thing that I admire the most about you is that, you're so humble. You're fighting for me still even if  at the end of the you don't own my heart you wouldnt mind. 

I'm sorry to hurt little girl, cause that isn't what I mean to do.

 It's been so long since I last blog and I dont know why i suddenly feel like blogging. Maybe cause I'm so overwhelmed  with emotions. I don't know where to start of where to stop, what to do or what not to do. Everything I do these days is just wrong and I'm sick of making everyone else happy. When all I should really do is make myself happy and no one else. But I can't cause I still care.