i dont get you , seriously . act as if you're there , then throw me the next minute .
go ahead . I'd just smile , cause im done talkg and cryg . screw you .

Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly do you ever really want this)
Knows all these...

And I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraph
To write a ballad while we say the things
We hope would mean the most to me
And
Each line is sent I have found a new pages of hope for the days when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly do you ever really want this)
Knows all these parts (cause my jealous heart can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for everyone that's come out lost .

&& i dont know really why im listening to all the mayday parade songs again , somehow it relates to me . Cause with each stinkg breath i take , i cant feel anymore . I may not be the most perfect person in the world , but i know that i tried to save this , or what's left of this . I want you , still do .

cause everybody's changing and nothing feels the same .
okayy , i dont feel too good anyways , with the weather being so cold , and my heart torn-ed with no emotions . 'smiles weakly' it's true what you said , i cant pretend as though it dint happen .
sure as hell it did .
i don't know what to feel , i did sometg so terrible , terrible && you're washg me out of your head and my mind . I cant tpye any longer , and im blogging just keep my mind off what i actually have to say ? does that makes sense ? GAHHS* 'covers face'
you guys wont understand .

i pity liana , she wnet to school peopple , when you promised you'd be there . Luckily i cam 'winks' please come . im sick of being sad, and fightg all the time , someone reminded em life is too short all the time , so im doing it one step at a time . I need you
'sighs deeply' one day you seem so near , we'd be talkg about all the things under the moon and the next , you'd be gone . Somewhere , just gone .
i shall not elaborate what happene-ed days ago , ouhh well what im doing these days . Just know that im feelg very lost , cause i know this is true , these feelgs are irreplaceable into words for blame me cause i cant put it words for you && im sorry .
knew , love as hell a scary thing to go through , but i want to . I want to be there , with you every single step of the way . Pullg you through , but i guess i cant do that , when i can no longer be by your side . && all because i can see it in you eyes . i know , it's too late to late to say ilove you , but i want to , i hope im not fightg for a lost cause , this risk .

let me update really fast before this laptop batt flat . So this job is like really tiring , we have to extend till hours and hours at a time , and my feet aches like no one's business . Since the hotels we work in are like 5 stars and 6 stars the standards are really high . We have to portion the food, like cut it for them and serve . God , it was hard, damn-ed hard . But , at least my seniors help-ed tho . They want help me , the way they do it is like so weird , hold around the waist and hold my hand . If i wanst careful enough , i'd drop the item i, holdg in shock . 'laughs' the darn-ed bar tender at mandarin oreintal is damn-ed cheeky , 'roll eyes' thenn thenn , yesterday was Fullerton , that hotel the team leader , was so kind and freindly ,and he call himself hairul cute . 'laughs' it was super funn , but it was the second time i work-ed with sab and ama , we had breakfeast in the morng at mac, i wanted to actually sleep on the food . haahs . the reach-ed there , work-ed , laugh alot .
thenn , time to go home , sab and ama extend while i head home with gavin and thomas , kian hau and justin . 'laughs' i shan't tell you what happened in the mrt . haahs . okokkkk . im getting tired eyhs , futhermore i just reach home form sch , and i should stop dozing off in mrt and taxi's . 'winks'

:))))))))))





yesterday was like my first day at work , and it was super-tiring . I even did OT , for the sake of money yeaah . Me and sab were lost at suntec, we were like searchg everywhere for familiar faces but there were none . Then in the end bonnie , picked us up . God , along the way we made a few friends , but it was like when we reach-ed the canteen that me and sab were like shock , the whole table filled with people from our sch , like gavin , thomas, luqman , faad, justin , and jun ren . i think that's his name , we were like wnatg to say hi and all . Luckily like the this girl sri that guided us , along . Then we went into the auditorium for the briefg only then we startg talkg cause luqman and me got seperated form the rest . haahs .
for a while , fast-forward . we had to serve lawyers drinks , like white wine , and red wine, and beers , or soft drinks . The smell of wine , is ewww . haahs . Me and gavin went like everywhere toghter , cleared the tables and glasses , but gavin always clear glasses that people were still drinkg . haahs . so funny , then we did OT made friends with those girls , mean face but kind heart . super fun , we were like laughg all the way and all . Then we headed home seperated , me , gavin and sab and this guy shared cab . Damn-ed gavin shoulder was nice . 'laughs' you dont want to know what happen-ed.
i think , im sure what i want now though it only requires time , and patience . But im willing .

im so f sad . BAHHS* i dont think i need to elaborate , i know can already .
all i have to say is i saw it , i saw it and i hate it .

PART 2 .
i had to tip-toe and i still cant reach his height , 'screws face'
:)
ZIELAAA , after like four years
GAVIN .




my bangs belahh , wadaaaa 'crosses eyes'

ily hug mee !'jumps around'
today was graduation , 'sighs deeply' i practically went evrywhere to hug everybody , and wishg them like well wishes . I manage to take picts of most of the people i wanted , but the circle wasnt completed as zuzu & ama dint turn up . & the person i wanted to take a pict with the most dint turn up also . Basically many peple dissappear-ed , GAHHS* graduate alr .

im tryg not to think at all , wonder if it's possible tho . so that place called and well i've got the second appointment , as i thin about it im getting more nervous as the 23th approaches . Tmrmw is graduation , i hope that everyone would go tho , it's 7.15 and wear tie and scarf . Went out with farahh yesterday , somehow we ended up wearg the same shirt but diff color and both of us wore black skirt . 'laughs' weird eyyhh ? wells , i''ve got more to say , though i've got not enough time , wont be updatg muchh these days . sorry tho .
&& im sorry that i said it was the wrong date , i dint notice . Dint know , it could , 'sighs deeply'
cant wait till tomorrow , shit - head i got to get going or im going to be late . I have to say sometg , but i dont know if i have the guts to say so . Let it be aye ? && went out with sab & her mum juts now , we shopp-ed and well talk-ed alot . 'smiles weakly' i wonder why i dont feel the least happy .

okkkk , i dint knew that it would happen this fast tho , my uncle rang me and like interrogate me if i force his daughter to pierce . my heart was like beatg out of my chest , godd .
damn-ed , my aunty found out , yaaa , so we pierced and she wanted to follow . Is that call teachg ? I should have discourage her tho , my mum won't say anytg about piercgs so we are safe . but for her ?. previously , i said i had to go called right ?
well i did , && they'd call hazhim by tmrw . 'smiles in relief' i've got a secret . zuzu , once you read this ring my home .
&& ssab ? i need to talk to you , so call my house also . thanks a bunch people .
my uncle say i look sick and skinny ? 'rolls eyes' wth ?

owwowwww . alone at home on this really cold afternn .
went out , i hope yusie's happy with her hair , i nearly slept ! && we saw golden monkey .
ok , yaa i know im like seriously bored . hazhim already gave me the number, but the fact is im really scared to call .
i know, i know . In reality we all have to go seperate ways , but you see , all my jobs are accompained with my freinds . So yeahh , this is diff .'yawns'
'breathes in hard' i can do this right ? no biggy . i can .

im like supposed to call someone right now , but my bother is home .
so yeahh , and today is the most depressing day i have ever since i last fought with ..
i feel like cryg , cryg a cryg . But somehow , im used to this ? i think . crap , i dont know how to feel anymore . I dont effg know how you wnat me to feel , cause i dont know what you take me for .
what am i ? i dont wnat to be anybody .
cause i am nobody , i know this is not making sense , but it makes sense to me .
it's not funny not appealg in any way , when someone does this to you . It makes you feel so confused , so lost .
&& last night , i found out sometg i didnt want to .

sabbbbb , the one that i know since like sec 2 same time a zuzu , though we werent really super-close that time as she was with alep . we only bcame closer during sec 3 during ama's chalet where we bonded like crazy . She has this habit of clearg her thoat soem sort like that , and it drives me crazy but she still does it . She likes to smack my butt really hard and laughs with no sound coming out form her mouth . And when she's sleepy there would be tears down her cheecks . Tho she dosent show it , she does love her freinds all so much . The one that would never let me feel left out . The one that i can out till late night just laughg with .

mizahhhh , my SUGARdarlg , cause she's all so sweet , she has these habit of like making a noise with a piece of paper when she's bored or concentratg really hard . Though i dont really know her that well , i know that she likes to mostly keep to herself , and trys to hide all that she's really feelg . she's another one that like to give me hugs , which i love to the core . her jokes , priceless, they'd make you roll on the floor with laughter .

inaaa , among all she 's the one that i know for the longest period of time of four years . She somehow understand how i feel without even having me needg to put it into words for her , somehow we are not close as we used to be back then but still , i understand . the most understanding person you'd find on earth , she's very forgiving but she dosent like to forget and seh has this habit of biting her nails till it's like super-short . She gives me these super-hugs that cheers me up always . The one that would make sure im alright .

amaaaaaa , the youngest amoung us all . 'laughs' though young her thoughts are somesort matured . constanly disturbg me about every single thing in my whole life , i seriously dont know where she get's the ideas form though . the one that hangs on the phone with me at like 2 am in the morng talkg about anytg uder the moon , the one that drags my lazy arse out of the house to go jogging and to the gym .The one that makes me laugh endlessly and smile when needed . the one i share nonsencical stuff , and pratically eveyrtg with , alwyas there . askg me to ''chill uh''
cause every single day i got a new problem and every single day she'd be on the phone and convonce me it's not the end of the world . she express herself through music and makes me cry when she opens a song that totally suits my mood and wipes my tears hard with a toilet paper. && laughs while closing her eyes many times .the sweetest person you'd find on earth .

liana , liano . The one that easily laughs at every single thing , though given her ''i dont give a damn-ed'' face she's really freindly , the one that would drag me out of my mood and make me laugh non-stop about things . She's easily embrassed though that is what taht makes her so harmless . The most innocent being who just turned 16 TODAYYYY . && HAPPY BDAE LIANNNAA . the one that always disturb me about my butt and nose . 'laughs' the one that would make me share every single thing and drag a chair to sit next to me when no one else does . this year marks the 2nd year i know her , though i somesort know her during sec 1 , we werent that close . the funniest person you'd find on earth . the one i would share the most problems i have with ,as she would always try to find soultions for it .

zuzu , well i know since like sec 2 after bahar left . she and sab was the first two freinds i had form the class . we used to really close , but people change , i mean i still know that i can still go to her no matter what , you know ? she adores the colour red and is net crazy . Pete wentz ( i think that's how it's spelt) made her go head over heels . && she used to read stories made by kids form this website called quizilla . Her eyes sparkle , well it has this glow , you should see it , in the early morng and when she's tired . && sometimes when she's talkg she dosent look into your directly into your eyes , she has this habit of lookg at the object behind you . The most caring person you'd meet on earth , the one that can cry with you and our lives are somesort the same as we have same irratg fucked up brothers who trys to ruin our lives . three years of freindship .

The little things, you do to me are
taking me over, i wanna show ya
everything inside of me
like a nervous heart that, is crazy beating
my feet are stuck here, against the pavement
i wanna break free, i wanna make it
closer to your eyes, get your attention
before you pass me by

So back up back up take another chance
Don’t you mess up mess up I don’t wanna lose you
Wake up wake up this aint just a thing that you
Give up give up don’t you say that I’d be
Better off better off, sleepin by myself and wonderin
If im better off better off, with out you boy

So don't just leave me hanging on

And every time, you notice me by
holdin me closely, and sayin sweet things
i don't believe, that it could be
you speekin your mind and, sayin the real thing
my feet have broke free, and i am leavin
i'm not gonna stand here, feelin lonely but
i wont forget you, and i won't think this
was just a waste of time


so i feelg like crap even after all of just now , screw this . cause hurt isnt sometg i can feel anymore , it's been sometg i have to live with .
i cant belive people actually belive in a term called cheer up and sometg would magically happen and erase everytg aye ? i dont belive in that . never did , cause life is a bitch .
no matter how hard i try somehow the sadness always gets the better out of me , i dint choose it to be that way . How i wish , i could cry . Cry and cry like a smallbaby , runng to my mummy hoping she'd cuddle me up and tell me eveyrtg is alryt . But the fact is , i cant . run to my mummy , how i wished she cared as much as i cared for everytg else in this world .

right now there's so many things runng through my mind , clashg into each other . why cant i open my darn-ed mouth and say sometg . Maybe bcus , i cant .
i cant say sometg to someone who isnt here with me . The empty feelg that just grabs hold of you
, i wished i can cry . i want to cry . make me cry .
you are the best thing that ever happen-ed to me . why ? why ?
i'll end here , with this depressing post . i no longer wish to talk , or feel .

i wonder why does it hurt so much more , only when i realized that you're gone .
all the times that you were by my side , you kept me safe . I took you forgranted , now things have changed . Somehow , you never wanted me to worry about you .
every crime , every mistake ; you'd never want to show me . It's as if you were flawless .
i know , somehow that what we had couldn't last , so i did not even want to start it in the first place .
But , now im missing my best freind , the one that cooks for me & zuzu maggi without soup early in the morng . The one that carrys my bag everywhere ; and always re-arranging the stuff i have in there , like the first zip , beauty compartment .
the name that i call and within seconds youd appear by my side , and during recess we would stare at each other across the canteen ; the laughg at each other .
the one that would play with my hair on the table until i felt asleep , and massage my foot with my shoes on when im angry , 'tears fall'
the one that always tickled me , until i bcum numb at the sides , and you would always say ''toink ! toink!'' 'smiles weakly'
the one i could count on when i had tears in my eyes and my heart was breakg , belo . Godd , i missed him . Though i no longer exist in his heart filled with broken hopes and dreams .

yesterday was funn , but really tiring walkg pratically everywhere with heels , traumatic experience . Nearly every house we went to , we ate . I think i gained like 5kg alrdy ehhs .
so we were like crazy drunk people , me , liana & sab . walkg as if we were parading down the aisle , holdg on to each other . This is the first year i rayer with like them , so the 'feel' is new .
despite all of this , i had to go home and which totally change my mood again . 'rolls eyes'
there's no point of stating it all here , just know that im tryg my very best to go out every single day of the week . plus , the worst thing is i had to cut my hair ystd , 'sighs deeply'
the back of it . im tryg to conclude without conclusions on what is your intentions , but still i cant figure it all out .
i rather fly with the skies .
as the rest of the picts are with liana & sab go to thier bloggs to see more .
'smiles weakly' im tryg to still be strong .

ouhh godd , im so bloodyyyyy tired ! m's side came .
&& tommorrw i still have to wake up at the crack of dawn and go rayer 'squares face'air
&& as you can see , i dont know what hell i did with my blog , it's like all over the place ,
plus my darn-ed air head brother took my pc away . screw him !
so im using hazhim's lappy again , im so lazy to go install the nokia software , to put in picts and songs so bear with me eyh ?
thenthenn , today the whole of my mum came . godd, i have been on my feet for the whole day .
so much food , i think i have grown fatter . My uncle gave one look at me , and asked my mum how come i lost weight and was i sick , ehh , i though i become fatter got uhh .
waitg for a call , beofre headg into my sweetest dreams , too bad i cant blog it all out .
to my girls ,
hope to see each and everyone of you on graduation day , i want lots of hugs and tears ! so come prepared with tissue . each and every one of you have a significant value , please dont strayy , 4 years aint the simple thing to let go .

hazhim's away for camp , and it has only been a day and im missing him like little kids love candy .
stuck-ed in my room for the whole day , but it's okay tho .
dare not step outside , 'screws face' had lappy to keep me company , watch-ed movies that made me cry my dumb eyes out ,
&& i lost my favourite necklace , the black one . 'sighs deeply' it hold lots of sentimental value .
i guess it was never enough to say that i miss you .
i still need you to hold me out , graduation is drawg near , sayg goodbye to four years aint a easy thing to do though .
readg everyone's blogs , everyone is lookg for a job , im not sure if im lookg for one tho i find stayg at home a total bore . But hazhim has this job for me alr , not suure if i can cope tho , cnat wait to ask him when he gets home .

yesterday was superily funnnn , but we were all like addicts . 'laughs'
syida was on the laptop , hahzim & me on the iphone , syamir on the x-box .
like seriously , we were all doing what we do best , 'smiles' we wnated to play block catchg and all , but heehs . Me & syida were in kebaye , so yaa go figure .
thenn thenn , after lots of laughg , chattg and well eatg , we went separate ways . waitg for my phone to ring, me & hazhim had like this bonding after 12 thing , we watch a movie togther , in his home till early morng . we wanted to watch who's line is it anyway , but im was too sleepy . 'smiles'
picts later , too lazyyyyyy .

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

this is a super nice song , 'dances around in circles' so i stuck-ed myself in the room
doing well stuff i shall not post here , before people come bombarding me with angry
questions . errr, and now im going out . im tryg not to feel and think anymore , i mean isnt it better that way ? not being able to feel ? to hold , to love . Love , wow .
sissy , asked me what's love , actually if i wanted to explain to her what's love she's probably disagree . cause everyone has diff views on it , what's love to you ? to me it means everytg , to feel whole , to know your safe and secure and you can do the most absolute ridiculous things and still know he's there . Cryg your little eyes out , and when you ring him , he's on the line just hearg you cry , lettg you let it all out . this is depressing .
'crosses eyes'

i miss this these two alr .



she.rok.ma




the freaks moviee .
like just now .
wierddd uhh this year . wanted to go my cousins house , but was canceled again , due to well my mummy's tired . thennn , my cousins came over and we had a hell of a time .
hittg each other with stuff , and being just gay aye . too bad they had to leave early tho .
plus , sabs , were you the one that text-ed me ? about tmrw ? if in the afternn can , but i have to leave before 6 , going to my cousins house . cant waittttt , going to be damn-ed funn .
cant wait till tmrw . tho it's sad to let you guys go , i guess like eventually we have to all let go .
i want to do a special post , soon tho .
when , im nnot so busy , with well , guests and all .
sleep well all , 'smiles widely' if only you could see .