Last 2 years before Syida cut her hair short, I told you she's prettier than me. I look like one fat buffalo beside her. As usual this 4 amigos will forever be with each other, how we have changed over the years. One thing still stays, go syameer's room then play with the lights buat macam club then play block catching. HAHA, I know I'm 20, but so what.

 Jealous sia, of Syida's fairer than mine skin and nicer more tamed curls. BAHH. & of course jealous of her bigger... HEHEH.This year she will still have short hair, boring.

 Last year at Aunty Ani's house, hehe. Sabrina forever pretty la, but I wanna see her grow her curls, growwwww.

 The 1/3 of our cousins family, I know we look damn rojak, blame our grandparents, and parents for marrying into so many mixed breeds.

 Last year puase with Rian, how time pass. A day before raye and a day before she left me to clebrate raya in Msia. I also want to balik kampung sia this year, but I can't, ugh. Projects and tests that I can't escape. The project works, the assignments, breaking fast in school. Staying in school til 8-9, woah. I wanna fast full this year, but that's not gonna happen cause my bestf hasn't visited me yet. 'sigh'

 Didn't want to bask in the sun, so instead I took pictures.

 Your future nurses to be, forever by your side with a smile (: We are so ready for you guys, but are you ready for us? Haha.

This quote says it all, but lately I just can't to make you smile. Guess as I'm starting to fall, my judgement gets clouded and I want you all by myself. Call me selfish, but I hate sharing. Especially when it comes to you. I want you to need me everyday. There's so much unspoken barrier between us, it's either we talk it out and feel like shit. Or we don't talk it out and still feel like shit. But I have faith, I faith that this will subside. I just have to keep on believing. Don't, once again. Care about my feelings, cause somehow or another I'll just deal with it. My aim is to make you happy, even if it kills me inside. I promise you, I won't leave you

I don't get why my parents still care about him, why they still wanna visit him, write letters to him signing off our names as though, Me, Hazhim and Syida cares if he lives of die. Do not even try, do not even start to say, 'He's still your brother". I have long disregard him as my brother. That entitlement is not worthy for someone as fucked up as him. I tried so hard, in every single way, to somehow be seen in daddy's eyes. But no, it's Hazhim & Hisyam daddy wants. This fucked up feeling never ends, I feel somehow I'm the tenant in this house. You guys have never consider my feelings, never ask if I was okay with strangers living in house, so don't you guys dare ask my opinion or help keeping an eye on them or to not go out from the toilet using just my towel. This is my house, not theirs. This was never my intention, so please, don;t drag me into this. If you guys love your favourite stupid son so much, go and live in one house with just him. I'm fine by myself, futhermore, I have been supporting myself since 18. This is nothing new to me.

You have no fucking idea how much I miss talking to you. I miss joking and slapping you, making stupid baby languages with you, baking and cooking with you. I miss you, Rian. I don't care if you hate me

Good morning people, heh. Okay, this holiday sucks cause I have no discipline at all. To wake up early, to jog, to study. This cannot be happening, ugh. Gonna go for our class pit at east coast latter, man I hate that place. It's so deep inside so hard to get out. 


The thing is that, each one of my relationships are different, but for this one, I gave my all. Its what I would love to call the 'perfect' relationship. No matter how many fights we out each other through I know that at the end of the day you're still the one I want. Let's face it, say it, you're even more short tempered with me than usual. You can't stand it when Im late, cranky, sleepy, or have no time for you. The smallest things I say to you can just blow you up just like that. I try to talk to you as calmly as I can but you always end up hanging up on me. I seriously don't know where we are heading if this carries on. 

Went simpang bedok with these noobies today to try gong gong for the first time. For $20 bucks there were only like 20 gong gong's as well. Rip off I guess, cause I think newton's better, esp the sambal kangkong. HAIS. I wanna go newton la pulak :( kay shut up syima.


I feel happier now I guess, it's been like one week. It hasn't gotten easier, but I'm distracting myself by working till I go numb. Next week I'm working 5 days on top of the 5 schooling days I have. Hopefully can pull it off, cause honestly it's time i pull up my socks. I wanna do better, was actually really disappointed with myself just now, just that I didn't show it. Guess I'll just to strive for other tests and phase tests now. Nursing is seriously not for the weak and wanna slack student, you always have to be on the all times. It gets tiring but I hope this pays off, insyallah. I wanna achieve alot of things and it starts here. 


Honestly, I'm good at giving people advises and being there for them but when it comes to me, I'm hopeless. I don't wanna listen cause I know it won't stop the hurt. I just wanna feel that way for a really long time, be needy and clingy and sad and distant.'sighs' Some part of me doesn't want this to just be a passing phase.

 My darlgs, that I can't seem to live without.

 Eventhough I'm older than them, I always get bullied. Heh

 Before Sundown Marathon.

WOAH, so last night was really tiring. Now I now how it feels to sleep in the rain, kay I did not sleep but I can imagine the uneasiness. This is why I can never be a guy eventhough I very much want to. KIDDING. There's people wanting to faint, puke all over the place. The number of casualties last night was overwhelming, but all in all it was a good experience. 


I learnt last night that rats aren't scared of our stomping feet, dumb fat rats. This thurs is my last practical test and I'm done for this term! Ohhh, tomorrow's napha as well. UGH. I haven't been training. Once it's my holidays, Im gonna work out again. Slowly, by myself I guess...


Being with you has opened my eyes and I won;t fight for you if you don't want me to. I don;t want to be running after you when you don't want to be caught. I'll just annoy you like I already have which will someway or another lead to something undesirable, for me at least. I miss you without a doubt, but I'll still be here, bruise and wounded by still stubborn needing to be in your life.

I may not be able to completely get over you, but I shall try. Plus, furthermore you have already started searching, I guess. The things you once said to me, you're now saying it to another girl. 'I'm outfield, I'll be back tomorrow. Be safe." 

Somewhere at the back of my mind I already knew that this was going to happen. Always thought that you could come to me, but I was wrong. Zuzu really sorted my thoughts just now morning. 


Yesterday during OAC, we had intensive training, no seriously it was really intensive. So there's this one part that we all had to run to the bench in a few seconds, then when I reached the bench my friend was turning towards me and me towards her so her head hit my cheekbone area with a crack. Unconsciously, I squatted down crying, seriously painful. I accidentally bit my lip as well cause they told me that there's blood in my mouth. My cheekbone is so painful :(




AHHHH, Khai is the sweetest I swear. He always text me when I'm crying or down and out seriously. I think finally he's finally starting to learn me and know that we can never be more than friends ever (: I'm so proud of him. Siti Khairul,hehehe. I know you won't read this, but thank you for taking care of me. Making me smile whenever I'm feeling down by letting me step all over you, you seriously remind me of my own brother. MEHE.