So it's been more than two years now.. We have been together for at least three years, and woah was it a extreme journey of ups and downs. I don't want us to ever remember each this way, broken. Know that I never meant to break your heart, smelly. Our lives are due to change, sooner or later. I need you to be brave, brave to take steps without me holding your hand now. Cause everytime I do, I seem to draw the strength that you have out from you. I don't want any of this, no, I'm not happy. Running from the fact that I wished I could love girls for the rest of my life isn't helping me.
Am I selfish to want us to remain friends? Cause I don't think you quite fit the category. I will always always love you, that's one thing I know for sure. I care about you more than a friend should, I yearn to takecare of you, it hurts me when you say you don't need me anymore. You don't know how I feel once again, cause I'll never show, I guess that is my biggest flaw, always expecting you to figure out things, without saying a word. How come you can read me so well, all those times, but now you just refuse, just refuse to see what I'm trying to do. You were always my biggest supporter, it kills without having you to cheer me on. I am what I am cause you choose to love me, and I wish you feel the same way too. What's nursyi without smelly?

Would it make me vulnerable if I were to tell you all that I'm feeling. Why do I feel like no one will ever understand what I'm going through. You gave me the choice of being friends, but I can't stand the thought, of you finally replacing me. Call me selfish, call me egoistic, but this is me trying to be strong for myself. The things we did, you're not doing it with her, I just feel out of place like I'm no longer important anymore. It breaks my heart to even tell you how much I miss you, I do. I'm just so good at putting up a strong front, you're bringing me to my knees.

Tell me how did we get here, how did we become so wrong? Why, how do you manage to push me to the edge till there's no room left to breath.
Just like how you need me to understand that those people are in your past, you need to understand that it's the same fr me too. I'm with you, the longer you allow that thought to feed onto your emotions it will eventually be there. Please, I beg you, Stop, stop it. I can't.

And if I ever forgot how I feel about you, you should keep me grounded, keep me reminded. You know the song you need to bring me back, it just there. That day at Ben's and Jerry's,  with waffles and ice-cream I realized how much we put our heart and soul into this r/s not knowing what might happen next, but we just threw ourselves in it hoping for the best, knowing myself, I'm gonna give you more than just the relationship of your life. I'll make sure, you will never move on from me cause I love you that much 

Our supposed to be ice-cream date, ended up with us watching a movie and eating in Ikea. Both nearly losing each other's cool, I don't know why I was so patient with her tho. Given anyone else, I'd prolly just walk away and leave them there, but I stayed and kept my cool everythough I was about to blow, but it wasn't her fault. The way she tried to calm me down by redirecting what I'm piss about pissed me further. BUT, overall, it was an awesome date. HEHE, i ate like 14 meatballs man, she only eat like what one? Both of us, are always so tough on the outside, so careful with each other. Im tired of this, let me tell you this, I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, to bring you down, to leave you there cause even so, even at your lowest I want you to know I'll never leave you. Not now, not ever. Now let me show you my range of emotions in full glory, may you have a strong heart, cause I'm tired of putting a strong front. Let us embrace each other with all over flaws out on the open.

 Watched Shiqin performed at HomeClub with Rian and Nad, sherry was there too, but I dint managed to take picture with her. She was so good she gave me goosebumps, I missed them so bad, all the stupid stuff we would do. Like cooking packets and packets of maggi after school at Nads place, sleep, cry to each other. After all these time I'm glad somethings didn't changed. After which me & Rian wandered around from clark quay to raffles to esplanade. We just walked, like how we used to, then get tired and find somewhere to sit and laugh. Maybe we shouldn't have been together, cause now I might lose you as a friend, I'm only strong for you. I know you love her alot, maybe you're holding on to her more than anyone else, cause you didn't think even she would disappoint you. Im so sorry she did, I know how exactly how you feel, but if you don't pull yourself out of that hole. Even I can't do it for you.. Just know, when you're down and out. Im here.

Yesterday's chalet with my girls <3 i="">

It's been a long day, it;s been a long week and I gotta to say its that I have been wrong. I don't wanna see your face. I don't want you to see me break into a thousand pieces and I just wanna hide away.

Just as I thought I can get a day off work to spend time with my gundu heads, aishah told me she cant replace me :(

Okay, forget it, at least even so. I'll be able to make more money, think about the bright side syima. Come on, haha. I hate always coming from work, cause I smell like coffee, and sometimes my hair smells like syrup and coffee. I feel so sticky and disgusting that I just need a bath. Damn, whatever la. It's an opening shift, with clarice somemore

Sick of holding onto people that wants to let go, when I'm always the one holding on. I don't understand, however hard it might be, to stay by your side as a friend, I will still do it. Even if you're with someone else, I don't understand why you can't do that for me. Rememeber what I always said? 'I just want to see you happy, even if happy means not being with me."

Your soul is the river, it runs so deep. You're the one that suppress them all. & I'm trying to figure out, how did I ever do without, your smile.

Heh, my number one turn on is someone's smile. It defines their personality, sweet and humble or fuck up. So I have been pretty busy with work and juggling with making time for Adam, zuzu, my schoolmates, work mates, and kumoks.

So I slept over Rian's house two nights ago, I think. I'm glad that we actually set time aside to do that,  cause it really segregated our feelings for us. There's no more spark neither is there heart racing moments wanting to be near each other. We are finally two individuals, no longer warped into one.

I think we're happier this way, there's so much I can share with her these days. No boundaries, but with jealousy, sometimes. I know things might change if she has a girlfriend, than I will no longer be able to see her as and when we both like. Somehow, I feel like everything is falling into place, I never planned for it to be this way. But somehow, it just did. Never would i have thought, I'd be with Adam instead of Su, or break up with Rian to even think of dating someone else, but it did. It happened.

Yesterday's affair with Smelly, from sushi to skypark to homemade ben and jerry with waffles. HAHA, I'm officially sick of salmon, hehe. I eat one plate too many yesterday, and she eat like what, one and half plate? Cannot bring her to buffet, seriously perut so small like perut orange. Haha, doesnt make sense. Thank you, for pampering me without fail, to always remind me and making me feel that it's always me, and it will always be me. We've got so much love to show, but still both of us is holding back, I don't know till when you'll be in my life, but I'm not looking forward for you to leave anytime soon.

I hate disappointing people, the way you talk to me this days, wheww. Do you have any idea what you put me through? For nearly half a year, do you know how broken I was? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I see your face every where, even when I close my eyes, the worst part is that there's this depressing hollow feeling in my heart that I couldn't fill. How many nights I stayed up crying to you, you just asked me to fuck off, or get pissed at me. Whatever you're going through right now is nothing compared to what you put me through, I was so broken. I blamed myself for not treating you well enough, for not having enough time to spend with you since I was busy with exams, I blame myself for allowing you to slipped away. No matter how many mistakes you created, how many wasted nights crying for you till I was gasping for air, I'm still here. Still holding you up, always.

 Smelly's birthday not-so-surprise outing after burning our bodies in the hot sun at marina barrage, hehe.

 In the midst of studying that time with Rina.

Date with smelly last night, watching Ah Boys To Men 2. I DID NOT CCRY, I REPEAT I DID NOT CRY. Heh, who am I kidding, I did, I really don't know how to lose weight when Adam always makes sure I have good food, plus the worst part is that nenek stays here now. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. Bah, I don't know how long you plan to stay in my life with no commitments like this, but I'm glad you did. Unknowingly I'm holding you back with an invisible thread, seeing if you let go, or pull back harder to keep me by your side.

Sometimes, I do think how unfairly I treat you. How demanding I am, expecting nothing less than perfection from you, all the time and I'll criticize you openly if you fail to do so. This heavy burden I put in place on your shoulder unknowingly. I need you, more than I expect myself to do, it scares me. Someone who I have already strikeout mentally to never be with, yet I'm falling into your arms so effortlessly. I know I don't usually tell you what's going on in my head, but that's just because you always think I'm confuse when the fact is I have already chosen, and it's you. We have the rest of our lives together, I want us to grow with each not apart, to love each other even if it makes absolutely no sense at all and even if you feel like throwing your whole set of knifes at me. Heh.

I love you, smelly.

"I still care, but you can't know that. You should never know that".
I have been sick for the longest of time this week, since sunday till well, as I speak. I was so weak I could barely even wake up from bed. I skipped phase test, yes me, skipped my practical. 'sigh'. I'll still have to make it up though.

You moved me, you cared when I least expected you to. The look in your eyes, the creases on your forehead when you frown, the strain in your voice when you hear me cry, your exasperated sigh everytime I say I'm so weak and I just want to give up. You never did, you never did give up on me even when I'm more than ready to give up on myself. You threw yourself at me, not holding back or even stop to think what you're getting yourself into. I admire your courage, I admire your strength.

I think the one thing that I admire the most about you is that, you're so humble. You're fighting for me still even if  at the end of the you don't own my heart you wouldnt mind. 

I'm sorry to hurt little girl, cause that isn't what I mean to do.

 It's been so long since I last blog and I dont know why i suddenly feel like blogging. Maybe cause I'm so overwhelmed  with emotions. I don't know where to start of where to stop, what to do or what not to do. Everything I do these days is just wrong and I'm sick of making everyone else happy. When all I should really do is make myself happy and no one else. But I can't cause I still care.

My thighs are aching from all the squats I have been doing, it feels good. Haha.
I was thinking about my life as a whole these days. How I always like to plan before hand abot everything and anything and how if it doesn't go my way I'll get pissed. Have I lost my grip? I thought I was better at this kind of games, or maybe I'm just sick and tired of all that is involved in it.Nor maybe it was my fault to have so much hope, faith all for one person.

I'm so happy for zuzu la seriously, did I mention this before? After that fucker faris, she moved on, to someone who really showed her what's love. To take care of her more than I can.

I skipped from one topic to another just like that eh? Haha. Goes to show my mind is all messed up, it's everywhere, my thoughts.

I just can't wait till Saturday, Adam Levine, I'm coming for you, baby.

The broken hopes and the shattered dreams

If you know me at all you'd know that this isn't what I want, at all. The problem with time  and distance is that for some, it makes us forget who we really are, we conform to how and what the circumstances at that point of time led us to. This isn't the case for me, but I can't expect it to be the same with everyone. 

Everyone in life is searching, for that ONE person you'd spend the rest of your life with. Your better half, they say. But the thing how would we really know who's exactly 'the one'? Come on let's be realistic, there's no one right one is there? But that's where you're wrong, there is. There is the one, the one that you would argue till 4am in the morning trying to make things right. Makes you feel as though no one, no one can touch you. It's just the both of you, all the time. Everyday. The one that will make you feel as though you're on top of the world, but can make you come crashing down within a split second if they wanted to. Have you felt that way? Have you ever look at someone, thinking how happy we could be. How you would not and can't stand the thought of being with anyone else except, HER. Have you just look at the one you love and sigh? And you go asking yourself, what is it about her, how did I fall this hard? Was in in between of our laughters, the tears brimming in our eyes, was it the late night calls. As hard as you try to think, you can't, you can't fin that one reason, why. The worst part is that, no matter how much shit she has given you, when all the signs are in your faces to fucking move on you can't. Not cause there's no one else, it's because YOU, you're still holding on. You're afraid, you're afraid that if you do move on, you'd forget. You'd forget all the things you guys felt, the things you shared. And you don't want to forget, you still want to remember.

So please don't say that I don't understand you, cause I clearly do, sometimes more than I led on. She was the one I get it, sometimes we try so hard to keep thing together, to make it like how we used to, but little do we know, we lost ourselves along the way. It will get better, I don't believe the bullshit about time being a great healer, cause I still wear my scars proudly on my chest above my heart. We just got better at dealing with it along the years. 

Sometimes I wish I can't read you, cause I know how exactly you feel. Cause when I look into your eyes, I feel your pain too.

You don't give me the attention that I need. I'm more affected by this than anything else. All I want is for you to spend time with me, for me but whenever you do have time you'd won't be planning it with me. You would have already make plans, then you'd say why don't I ask you out. I DID SO MANY TIMES, but all I get is, "Oh I' meeting so and so tmr" and all I can do is smile and say okay.

I know I'm having a hard time, I'm trying you know but you don't want to go out with me and you expect me not go out with my friends too. Then you say I think too much about people that i'snt worth thinking about, how do you expect me to not do that when you don;t allow me to do anything.

Then you'd say that you're stress, I handle work, studying for exams and I still make the effort to meet you eventhough if it's for awhile. I can't hope to spend a whole day with you cause it will never happen. So why bother hoping then get disappointed.

For someone who can read me like a book, you sure have some trouble reading me, when it comes to you.

Finally off, have been working myself crazy. I wanna work more, more, more. Next week I'm only working three days. I need at least 5, shall I go back to banquet with Nadrah at Marina Bay Sands? Oriental or maybe Fullerton? I hate Mandarin Oriental sia, damn f up hotel, cause of the people and not anything else. Unless I'm working at Sunrise which is the breakfast section of Oriental then it will be better. 

OHNO, my ear piece spoil already. SUCKKKKSSS.Actually I don't really feel like blogging, maybe shall tumblr instead.

Hi HI HIIIII, kay enough. Holidays have officially kicked in & what have I been doing? Catching up with as much people I possibly can within this short period of time. I'm loving every second of it, like as though I'm really making use of my time. Shut up, I know. I'm just stressed up, therefore I'm tiring myself out so that when I reach home all I wanna do is sleep and not think over analyzing everything in every angle possible. I have this love/hate relationship with my off days. I want to sleep through the whole day, but at the same time I hate eating and sleeping like a pig.

So basically I have been spending my time with zuzu & raihan driving around lepaking with the rest, sharing problems with zal is like talking to Hazhim. So abang - abang. HAHA, whereas Zuzu is my annoying sister that will forever rape me in public, 'sighs' FOR THE FIRST TIME I WENT ICE-SKATING. Like a pro when I don't even know how to roller blade. At first I held the side and tried to skate by myself, when I gained confidence I held onto zuzu's hand and blade. HAHA, but that didn't stop me from falling on my butt 3 times. Twisting my toes in the tight blading shoes, sakit.

I DETEST BEING IN THE LESBIAN CIRCLE. Everyone watches you like a hawk, scrutinizing your every move, to watch you fall, get back up see who you will be with next. It's a vicious cycle, I don;t ever want that. I make friends, but I know them by name or face, I'd prolly be able to tell if you;re a lesbian from a walking distance, but that doesn't mean that I want to get to know you. Get your facts straight into your thick skull.

I need a getaway, no cellphones, no social network. Just me & you, just us two. The world doesn't matter, not when I'm with you right? But things are different now, our arguments takes so much of us, sometimes I feel as though I'm compelled not to ever be happy for A WHOLE DAY . I just want you, the whole of you. No baggage behind you, the past remains the past for a reason. I'd fight for you, just cause I know, we can do better than this.

So tell me how it feels if you can't have the one you love fully, you argue you'd be patient. But how patient can you be controlling your tears and emotions everytime you guys meet? I'm so darn tired. I don't really know what's right anymore, or maybe cause I'm too worn out to even think. Let it be? See where this goes.

I hate to admit that I miss you, I miss everything about you. Your words of encouragement especially, how you always know what to say, when to say. I need that right now, but I know I still can't talk to you or even face you as a friend yet. Or maybe ever. You won't understand how hard it is, I have gotten over the fact that you choose to forget all about me, I just choose to be independent and try to live as though we never knew each other. My bestf,life seems so hard to you without you constantly reminding me to be strong.

Selamat Hari Raya kawan kawan ku!

 My brother, he saw me crying on malam raya on the floor like one hopeless person, gasping for air to breathe so he came, pulled my hand to the toilet ask me to wash my face and ask me to follow him to the shop. Good idea, cause when I did, he knocked some sense into my head like he always does.

 The one person that can make want to slap her senseless, but I can't go a day without her being with me.

Nearly complete family, see how mummy smile? HAHAHA. Joke, Daddy was at granny's house that's why he's not in the picture. One thing you'd realize as you grow older is that you wanna spend less time with your friends and more time with your family cause you feel as though you have limited time with them. I love Mummy Daady Hazhim and Syida so much, though we fight nearly everyday that fact will never change.

Im thankful for the people ho have been there for me every single time when I'm breaking down, even when I'm not supposed to feel that way. Thank you Razean, for hearing me out, watching me cry, hearing me say I'll be okay but tear up again the next moment. You never gave up on me, thank you. I don;t know how to show you, but one day I will.
& especially fie, whom I ask her to fuck off la, shut up, push her away, she's still there, literally wiping the tears of my face cause I'm such a weepy kid. I have promised myself that I won;t cry for you anymore, I won;t cry for you till I can;t breathe gasping fr air, feeling like crap every single day when I wake  up and when I sleep.You've stripped me off everything close to my heart, making me feel so useless. I don't want to ever feel that way anymore, ever.

As for me right now, I wanna focus on things that matter the most to me right now. Care for the people that has never left my side cause I was feeling this way, be there for them. I'll never forget how you hugged me on the floor when I was crying for her, the first thing you see when you wake up.

Smile eventhough your heart is frowning.

 HEE HEE, finally made my tapak kuda nutella. Successful, this are the nice one la. Mine hancur cause I din't know how to fold it properly. Well, it's my first time anyways, so do I at least get a good try? Haha.

 If only zanna came, I only get to meet my temok :( I miss them so much, seriously. Things are diff now, but US still remains unchanged.

 HEE HEE, my baking girls Anna and Nina. 

 Kumoks, well mnus a few more. 'sighs' sedih pe. This year we can't even raya together cause of clashing schedule and some of them can't take leave. I hate this, I hate changes.

My motivation everyday to come to school.

So freaking stress up with all the exam and tests that are coming, 'sighs' Yes, I admit I ahte changes, I hate that things must change. I hate the fact that I'm force to adapt to the situation as it is, it takes me a very long time to open up and accept it. I admit that's my flaw. 

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Zuzu! <3 We may not be as close as we used to be but I know I can always count on her, no matter what. I love you, Zu

 Girl brave@tryingnottocry completed the course! HAHA. So OAC had it's high elements this week, I swear I was a nervous wreck when attempting it, haha. I tried not to cry by talking to myself and looking forward, keep looking forward. DAMNNNN. But overall it was damn fun, but I will not want to try that again, seriously.

THIS, I don't care if it's gonna get tough, or we prolly gonna argue every day, we are gonna get frustrated but I hope that you understand that this is all in the process of building r/s,  As long as it's with you, nothing else matters. Cause I'm ready to fight, just to stay with you.

Life has been awesome without that asshole, I love breaking fast at home because it's the only time all of us will come together as a family and just talk and laugh. I can share, I can tell Mummy my problems, it's like I have my parents all to myself and I just love that feeling. I know they are happier, just that they won't admit it. This year is gonna be a blast eventhough it's ending.